Low level unhappiness in marriage, when is enough enough?

[sugarwaffle]

Hi, I'm a new poster but long time lurker mainly on AIBU forum. Would really appreciate some advice and others viewpoints please?

Been with DH 10 years, married for 5, have a 3-year old DC and currently 5 months pregnant with DC2.

When DC1 was born DH shocked me at how emotionally unsupportive he was. DC1 very difficult baby with colic and DH couldn't handle it, although to be fair neither could I, but we got through it and things improved as DC1 got older.

However ever since then,there has been a low level underlying tension between us, and we can be quite cruel and snappy with eachother. I do think it's DH more than me, but accept I could be biased and i accept I give back nearly as much as I get. We have got to the point over last couple of years where I think it become normal to speak to eachother like a piece of crap (although again I do think DH more than me) and I just feel like all the respect for eachother in our relationship has gone and I don't know if that's something a couple can recover from?

It goes in stages, sometimes we are happy, we must have had happy times over the past year as we thought it was a good ideatto move house and TTC DC2! But now we are back to a stage of the rot having started again :(

I should add for background detail that we both work full time and have quite stressful jobs and work opposite shifts alot so we don't get much time together at all. Despite earning an okay joint income we always seem to run out of money halfway through the month and this is a huge source of the arguments between us, we aren't in debt but I do feel we slightly overstretched ourselves buying our house and it doesn't leave much over for fun or holidays.

DH is an excellent dad, I have to give him credit for that, and the thought of leaving him and depriving DD'S of both parents around all the time breaks my heart. However now that we have got to the point where DH regularly swears at me and tells me to shut up and fuck off in front of DC1, I worry that's going to cause more damagein the long run.

Basically how long do you go on for having unhappy periods interspersed with happierttimes, before enough is enough? It's not all bad, but the bad times are starting to drag me down. I'm conscious not to make any decisions at the moment while pregnant and hormones all over the place, but would appreciate other people's thoughts.

Thankyou for reading, I know it's long.

Wow, he's lost all respect for you.

If my OH told me to shut up and fuck off, that would the point that things end.
But... you have a child and you are pregnant.
It does sound rather abusive and you aren't supposed to have joint counselling in an abusive relationship.
Can you go for some counselling to find out why you are putting up with this treatment?
And yes, this will be having a huge impact on your DC. This is what they will model their future relationships on. Do you want your DC having this same thing? The abuse cycle will continue.

It might be a good idea to call Womens Aid. Just to get their perspective on it. They can identify if this is abuse quite quickly.

For now, I think you should get some distance from each other.
Can he move out and go and stay with family or friends for a week or so to give you some head space?

You KNOW this isn't right for you or your DC.

Decision time. You continue to live like this, your DC grow up to be abusive or abused and you live an unhappy life. Or you stop this now!

I think he is crossing a line and that has to stop. Is he like this with anyone else? I would also ask why this isn't a deal breaker for you, did you grow up with something similar?

What do you get out of this, what keeps you within this now?.

I think enough is enough now frankly. The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Your H seems like the sort of individual who wants to be the Big Man all the time, an inadequate and bullying sort of man who had his nose severely put out of joint when your first child was born because he was not number 1 in any more. He just wants you around to serve his every need.

A man who tells you to shut up and f off in front of your child is a man who is not an excellent dad at all. Why did you write that of him?. That is a question you need to ask yourself. Women in abusive situations often write such comments when they can think of nothing else positive to write about him. As is the case here.

What do you think your child is learning about relationships from the two of you; she is hearing you being emotionally abused. She is learning from the two of you that this is how men treat women and so will become her "norm". Growing up in such a household is highly damaging; far more to her than the two of you no longer being together. He has caused this marriage to end by his abusive actions towards you.

You are caught up in the cycle of abuse and such a cycle is a continuous one as you have discovered. I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 because it does and will do you no favours to live like this because this is really no life at all. I would also suggest seeking legal advice re separation, you do not have to act on this straight away but after all knowledge is power.

Also do you think that this man would want two children anything like 50/50. He is more likely to not be at all bothered about them in the long run. He may also decide to get really nasty going forward and punish you for leaving him by making the whole separation process as difficult and protracted as possible.

OP sorry to hear that you are struggling, particularly as you are 5 months pregnant.

I'm conscious not to make any decisions at the moment while pregnant and hormones all over the place,

I am heartened to read that you have the self-awareness and understanding to write this - this bodes well for you IMHO.

On the swearing issue - I have an illuminating little anecdote:
My BF and his wife often (apparently once a week or so) swear at one another and she has accused him correctly I think of swearing in front of the kids. Anyway, he arranged a 'chat' with her and her two sisters about ways he could improve - the swearing was brought up. He agreed that it was not nice and agreed to try and stop, however, he made the point that his wife also swore at him (he also maintains in front of the kids - but agrees that he is worse).

One of the sisters was very considered and helpful (despite her acknowledged bias) whilst the other was conspicuously silent.

The silent one eventually erupted and blurted out "if my husband EVER told me to 'fuck off', I'd leave him on the spot.

The considered sister didn't think much of this comment and later told the husband (my BF) that when silent sister had gotten home that night, her fiance had argued with her and resoundingly told her to 'fuck off' in the pub, in front of all her plastic friends.

Did she leave him? No. She is ever more desperate to marry him.

I think that judging someone on their swearing alone is short-sighted and unhelpful (in your case, you both swear at each other).

It strikes me that your swearing is a symptom of your 'worn' relationship. I expect that you both would acknowledge that it was not a good thing to do and would both much rather the kids didn't hear.

There are some very smart posters on MN with some v helpful advice (the LTB'ers not included). I am sure you will hear some good advice to help you both respect one another better.

The 10-14 year point seems to be when a lot of relationships stumble. Perhaps some deep reevaluation is needed - what you both want going forward etc.

A good dad is one who tells his child's mother to "fuck off" in front of them? Really?

jesus - get out.
he has ZERO respect for you and he's also teaching your children how to treat others badly.
he's done with you. it sounds over. but its not your fault.
sorry but i would get rid.

This isn't "low level unhappiness", is it?
It is open and nasty disrespect.

When respect goes in a relationship, that relationship's foundation is just gone.

And it's just doubly damning that he does this in front of the DC.

This relationship sounds dead to me, OP. What does it feel like to you?

I don't think swearing is abuse as such.

The thing is, you have recently decided to have another baby and in all honesty when it arrives things are going to be very hard given what happened the first time around.

Can you try counselling before giving up on things?

I wonder if your harbouring resentment towards him due to his behaviour or lack of support with your colicky newborn.

That is disgusting the way he speaks to you, and in front of your children, just vile, sorry but I'd be calling it a day.

Yes, of course swearing at someone is abuse.

It's totally understandable that you resented him letting you down when your baby was born. I've been through something similar and when you realize your DH doesn't have your back there can be a profound sense of betrayal that's extremely difficult to recover from. That's where the contempt is born. And once you have reached the point of having contempt for each other, which you obviously have, there is unfortunately very little left to save.

Did you both have happy childhoods?

Sounds to me as if you are both messed up by something - to treat each other like crap seems miserable and exhausting.

Counselling could help.

Joint counselling however, is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship. Abusive men can and do manipulate counsellors in such sessions and make it all out to be their victim's fault. Such men see nothing wrong with their behaviour and are inured to counselling.

Abuse is not related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. Its power and control instead. If discussion and compromise could help in any way, most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly.

If you do consider counselling OP you need to go on your own. I would certainly recommend you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme in future as such men can take years to recover from.