how do I support my husband?

[Ihavealwaysbeenastorm]

Hi everyone, I need some advice regarding my husband
So as not to drip feed I'll let you know our situation.
We have two children, 3 and 10 months. The baby has been a very difficult baby after a horrendous pregnancy (hyperemesis and other serious health issues) and I have had ongoing PND for the past 3 years (currently on anti ds).
Life is tough and we don't get much of a break from the kids. My DH works FT in a senior management job and I am part time in a middle management role.

I am responsible for getting kids sorted and to and from childcare. (on the days I work). I do most of the housework and frequently take the kids out at the weekends to give him some space so he doesn't have much stress to deal with at home.

My husband is stressed with his job and this is causing alalot of friction between us, he constantly plays the I'm more stressed /tired than you' card, and despite both children being in bed when he gets home and his dinner on the table every night he still complains that he is stressed yet ignores the immense pressure I deal with looking after the children and dealing with PND.

Last night I told him if he's not happy then do something about it, look for a new job, stand up for himself more in work etc and it didn't go down well

I do feel bad, he is a great husband and dad, and we have a great relationship generally but this is really impacting on my mental health and happiness. He constantly works late, constantly answering the phone and emails in the evenings and weekends and he never takes time off, but is such a martyr about it all.

So wise MN how can support him? I don't like seeing him stressed but it's starting to irritate me, which I acknowledge is part of the PND too, but apart from yelling at him to grow a set and deal with work what can I do?

Sorry if this is disjointed I have a 3 year old wittering in my ear.

not sure I get the "great dad and husband" part here

you write "both children being in bed when he gets home and his dinner on the table" and that you take the kids out of the house at the weekends?

when does he participate in the parenting part of having children?

and when does he give you the support you need, as part of a team, as part of a family

sending you and

Tante yes sometimes I ask myself that too, I think because he is so stressed with work I have let him take the backseat which I guess has bow come to a head.

With regards to weekends I take them away for a few hours on a Saturday, not the whole weekend and the rest of the time he is pretty hands on. He also gets up with them most mornings before he goes to work, and through the night if they wake.

I guess what I'm looking for is validation that it's actually not ok for him to behave this way and do nothing about it, I have told him that if he wants to take a demotion (and pay decrease) that it's OK, I'd rather we didn't have a bigger income if it means he will be happy and not as stressed.

I feel laden down with the responsibility of the house, parenting, work, childcare etc and he constantly minimises that, as he'd apparently prefer all that than to go to his job everyday.

Your husband is not stepping up to the plate.

The house and the children are his responsibility too.

Who is looking after you? No one as far as I can tell and I think this is the problem. You are getting no help or support from your own husband with regards to the joint commitments you both made.

Can you afford extra help with the home and children? Baby sitters? Cleaners?

Although they will not solve the issue of your selfish lazy husband they will ease the pressure on yourself.

It is good that he does nights and mornings with the dc.

Can you ask him to commit to coming home early to help with putting the dc to bed a few nights per week?

Hmm. I don't think you need to support him, I think he needs to support himself. If he is a workaholic then he needs to deal with the consequences of that himself - choosing to damage his own mental health and therefore not be fully present when he's with his family is not an acceptable choice; if he wanted to only work he shouldn't have had children. You have no way to make him happy, people can only make themselves happy - it can't be done to them. And no one wins a tiredness competition, that's just pointless.

Why do I have no sympathy for him? Because I work in a very stressful management role that is quite senior with a long commute, DH works part time. DD is 16 months, I went back to work full time when she was 5.5 months. DH and I share the childcare, I don't get weekends to rest just because I'm tired from the week at work, and I don't get to avoid doing nights (DD still doesn't sleep through) or household chores. That's what parenting is about I think. Otherwise why have kids?

Quite no we can't afford help or a cleaner unfortunately, he currently works a 50 hour week so I honestly wouldn't say he's lazy by any means, I just don't know how to pull him out of this mire he's in, he hates his job, but he can't seem to fix it without leaving, its quite a new business so they expect too much from him.

He agreed a while back about making it home twice a week to put kids to bed but it's a catch 22 as he then has to spend all evening working or actually go back into work which impacts our time alone together.

I'm afraid he's going to end up having a breakdown, and I'm in no fit mental state to be a crutch for him.

Agree with all the above, you arent getting any support from him, this is not a partnership, it's not sustainable and probably substantially contributes to your PND.

He needs to grow up and stop wallowing in his work stress. He needs to start putting boundaries in place and not constantly answer work calls etc. at home. This is called being an adult and looking after himself - that's what every adult needs to do - there's nothing special about him and his job.

I think you should consider counselling to explore your beliefs about relationships and why you subjugate your needs to his. I wonder where you have picked this up from.

I think if you carry on in this co-dependent way your mental health will further decline or you'll end up divorced. I've been there, done that, I ended up on antidepressant and divorced - my ex refused to step up to the plate. I am much happier now and have a boyfriend who actually supports me.

Your first step might be to tell him what's at stake here, book some counselling and get him to have the kids while you attend therapy sessions.

Sending you a

sweet he's definitely not a workaholic by choice, he wants to better himself so he can provide for us , we live in a small cramped house and would like to move and by working in this role he earns enough that it's a possibility (we're currently in negative equity).

But o have stressed that I'd rather we weren't that well off but all be happy as a family. I think he's worried about taking a step back incase they sack him.

handy I definitely don't subjugate to hum (if you knew me you definitely wouldn't think that), we were an equal partnership in everything until he got this job, and because I understand the stress work can bring I felt it my place to try and help support him, or at least help him as much as I can, I absolutely love him to bits and hate seeing him unhappy.

But yes I guess I need to stop letting him away with self pity and take the hard line. I guess I'm afraid that this will push him away or further into a depressed state.

I honestly think you are subjugating your needs to his. Listen to what you've written here... You do the work/family 'juggle' which is very stressful. You do this to support him so his weekend/evening responsibilities are minimal, yet you feel this is not enough, are afraid to state what you need here, or ask him to look realistically at the situation, for fear that it will burden him further. Something needs to change. Even if he were to start looking for a new job, that wound be better than what's happening now ie any extra stress is automatically shouldered by you.

What speaks volumes to me is this:

You told him he needs to take some responsibility for the situation and he didn't take very kindly to that: now you're asking what more you can do. There isnt much more you can do.

Playing the I'm more tired than you game is immature and signals he feels he has it worse than you - until he shifts this mindset you are fighting a very uphill battle.

handy you are right, I honestly just didn't see it that way. I think I need to sit down and spell it out to him. He's a good man, I just don't think he is good at organising his life and making priorities.

Yes you need to tell him that the whole marriage and therefore house, finances etc is at stake. Neither of you has it easy, life is generally tough for both of you (as it normally is with you d children) but continuing like this is unsustainable.

Being 'reactive' at work is inefficient and stressful. He needs to approach his workload differently and ring -fence some time and emotional resources for you. Because you're running on empty and nobody's there for you. At present your marriage is a one way street, emotionally. This is how divorces happen.

I think you need to make specific demands about what happens now.

Good luck.

I disagree with most of the comments above. I've been through this with my DH and I had stress in the past so know how it can turn a usually capable person into someone who can't see the woods for the thread and just plods on and cuts themself off to cope.

I would have a talk saying you can see he's not happy and that's all you want for him. Get him to list the things he's not happy with and rank them. Then go through in order and discuss ways each can be improved, even if they can't be solved.

Assuming somebody you're worried about is wallowing or being childish so putting pressure about what's at stake (he knows as that's why he's investing so much into his career) will make things worse.

Dh and I dicussed what is acceptable and what he thought the consequences would be if he didn't answer out of hours calls or emails.

Did he think he'd be fired for it?

Did he realise he was enabling this to continue?

Did he not realise that if he couldn't rely on his team that was a sign he needed to train them better!

So, we established ground rules and I told him his work worries was affecting our relationship and that with our DD and it was time to get to the doctors.

Remind him of a time when he'd have been concerned at your stress and not tried to put it down by saying his was worse and that's the one thing he needs to change sharpish as its not acceptable.

So be with him, smile and say you're glad he's home and sop port him to compile a lists of what needs to change and how because chances are, he's lost all perspective and needs help to see that things can be improved

joysmum that's the perspective I look at it from, last night I tried to help him problem solve, to see what he could delegate or what action he could take regarding the lack of support he gets in work. He's so negative about it all, I honestly don't know what else to tell him.
I'm scared that this will overwhelm him, my friends dh just recently walked out on her because he was stressed at work and home and although I know this won't necessarily happen to us it does worry me.

Somedays I want to hug him and tell him it will be ok, other days I want to scream at him to man up and deal with it. Neither of which will help unfortunately.

I think he needs to accept that the workload increases dramatically once you have children and thats just how it is.

work may be stressful, but he chose to have children and there is an extra input needed, both directly with the children, and with related housework. I think too many people just dont realise the impact that having children will have on their lives, and how much 'more' they are going to need to do

I agree Nettle, it doesn't help that he was very much molly coddled by his mum when he lived at home!

I think he's worried about taking a step back incase they sack him.
So what if they do? If it helps, walk him through a worst case scenario. How long can you survive on savings? What would he do to find another (probably better) job? I can guarantee his isn't the only job he can get in the whole world. Job security is a myth these days anyway, companies restructure and make redundancies all the time, it's usually a great thing for a career to be forced out of a rut and into a new job.

He's only started this particular part of career, he's in a specialised industry so would be hard to find another job. He has worked from the bottom up, and is the youngest senior manager in the companys history (this particular area of business is a subsidiary of the company he used to work for).

We wouldn't survive if he lost his job, we'd be screwed as my wage wouldn't even cover our mortgage.

thats why I'm saying you may need to look at paid help to help you through.

If you think his behaviour is not for lack of trying or actually just the demands of his role then you need help carrying the burden of it all.

If he can't provide it right now someone else can temporarily fill that void. But it will cost money.

Can't you take out a small loan to cover some childcare and cleaning costs for the next 6 months while he adjusts to his role and you get a break to help restore your MH?

I agree with joysmum. I suspect he is in a vicious circle of stress leading to depression, which makes him less able to address these problems. May I suggest he sees his GP, and perhaps a short course of ADs - this can be enough to "prime the pump" ie help him get well enough to see things in a different light, with your support and help.

My poor DB was trapped for a while in a job where stupid hours were involved, to the point where I was worried about him. He did manage to change jobs (at same level) and has a much better life.

All the hard work with the children is temporary. It will all improve in time.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack because your dh is not able to offer what you need right now.

I think he should be supporting you and stop demeaning how hard you are working. The only way he is able to work such long hours is due to your unerring support and hard slog.

You give him space at weekends - when does he ever do anything like that for you?

He sounds neither a great dad or husband - sorry.

cherry he does, sometimes. I know he sounds awful, he's really not, I think as pp has said he is stuck in a rut, a vicious circle and seems a bit overwhelmed by responsibility at work and at home.

I am far from the downtrodden wife, please don't doubt that, but me getting upset and going on at him constantly isn't making any difference. I wouldn't threaten to leave him, marriage is for better or worse and that's the reason I asked here to see if f anyone had any advice or experienced similar. Thank you all for your contribution, each of you have given me alot to think about, sometimes adult life is the biggest pile of shite isn't it?

Again, your situation sounds similar to mine. He started as an apprentice and now is the regional manager in the market leader.

All I could do was ask him how others at his level coped, knowing they had kids too.

I asked him to look carefully and compare his input to theirs. It transpired their phones would automatically go to voicemail at 7:30pm and certainly didn't di the unpaid hours he did. Also turned out his peers saw him as a bit of a mug!

So, then began the process of a gradual withdrawal and training his team to be more self reliant.

We're a year on from that now and nobody above him has noticed!

When I think back to before it was horrendous. He honestly believed he was not only appreciated, but that this would get him noticed. Clearly it wasn't noticed otherwise the withdrawal would have been.