Handholding

[Sunshineandapring2015]

Hello

I was having a fairly deep conversation with an old friend this week. We were taking about the difficulties in my relationship. She asked whther I had family support and had sought their advice and I explained that I hadnt. She then asked what my relationship with my family was like.

This is something I never talk about to anyone. My childhood was weird. I guess it was pretty abusive. Anyway, I explained to her what had happened to me. Beaten fairly frequently for no reason or purported naughtiness (when I had no idea why I was supposed to have done something wrong), chased with a weapon, ignored, told I was embarrassingly unattractive, controlled, told I wasnt good enough to be loved. Basically I explained the physical and emotional abuse that went on.

She was so completely shocked. I explained that I didn't think It was that bad. Because to me it was normal. Because I was told I deserved it. I ended up thinking that I did deserve it really. I am a gentle person but it Has had an effect on my adult life I guess. I Find it difficult to trust. To make friends. I am very tough in a way.

I think talking about it for the first ever time to somebody and seeing their reaction was upsetting. Because it made me realise how far from normal this was. And I just can't get my head around that. I can't get my head around the fact that I seem to have such a warped idea of how things should be. Is this normal? I'm so glad we talked and she was so incredibly kind.

But I feel kind of shellshocked. Just so sad and shocked that my life has been so dysfunctional. I want to be normal.

Hand hold from me. I can't say very much but I empathise with how unsettled you are feeling as a result of this. If you want to explore deeper, there are plenty of books explaining the effects of and recovery from dysfunctional childhoods. You might also want to talk the issues over with a counsellor if it would help you to examine the issues and understand them better. This is a lot to take in. Just recognise how well-adjusted you are in spite of your early experiences and let the dust settle.

Also, I would add, that your childhood was dysfunctional and yes, you were abused, but unfortunately there are many, many people who had similar experiences. What I am saying here is that your friend may be one of the fortunate people who had a pretty decent family background, but don't assume that everyone else was ok aslo - you are not alone in your experiences.

And none of it was your fault. You did not deserve it. You deserved love, care, respect and safety - and you still do.

First of all you ARE normal. What has happened to you is not normal. When you are surrounded by cruel abusive people and they have been in your life since you were very young, it can cause you to have low self esteem.

When those around you, who are supposed to love and protect you, actually harm you and behave as though they hate you, children naturally will think that they have done something wrong and deserve the treatment.

You DID NOT deserve it. What you deserved ,when you were born, was to be treated with kindness and respect.

I know, because I come from that sort of horrible background. I have had counselling and was astonished to find out that the problem did not lie with me, but with my Toxic family.

What I have done now is accept that what has happened has happened. I can't change it. So now I have resolved not to dwell on it so that I don't waste any more of my precious time wishing my past, was someone else's.

It is not easy to do by any means, but your mind controls your body and you can resolve to be happy. So that these wicked people don't rob you of any more of your future.

My heart goes out to you.

Seek counselling and go on a mindfulness course. Then try and be happy. It will be your revenge on your toxic Family.

Xxxxxxxxxx millions of hugs.

to you. What you experienced was not about who you are; it was about your caregivers' inadequacies. It doesn't have to define you now.

Everything holeinmyheart said.

How you were treated, and who you are, are two different things. You get to decide who you are.

I had a similar upbringing. I have accepted that it was what it was and I cant change it.

What happened to me was wrong but no amount of therapy will take that away, so I have come to peace with it. I have learned from it, I will not be the parent that my mother was and my children will not suffer the way I did so the cycle ends with me.

xx

Hi OP just wanted to say I recently started psychotherapy which brought up similar experiences from childhood. The following day I could hardly move from anxiety. Still feel shell shocked as you say. Just wanted you to know it can't just be you !
I have psychotherapy booked weekly now. Dreading it but think it might be the way to get it out and find some peace. Good luck hope you're ok.