Moving to the other end of the country -advice please

[NotANaturalGeordie]

I moved to the North of England from Hampshire about 15 years ago, but always told DH that if my parents needed me I would go back. Now we have 2 DD 10 and 5 and have very portable jobs so could easily get agency work. I would like to move during the summer holidays in 2016 so that DD1 starts secondary school in yr 7 (she has ADHD so moving during a school year would be especially difficult for her). DH is willing to move, despite the distance we see more of my family than his. The issue is DH'S son who is 18 and has lived with us for the last 2.5 years. He has a fantastic job here and wouldn't come with us, and DH and I are struggling to make a decision that feels like we might be abandoning DSS. But he would be 20 by the time we move. Any thoughts?

Test Valley, trout streams, beautiful country, lovely pubs and gorgeous villages. What is there not to like?

I know. But DH is struggling with 'leaving DSS behind' and I don't want to force it.....

Maybe move halfway. The Peak District?

Beautiful country, lovely pubs and gorgeous villages.

I love England.

A difficult one but couldn't you make the move work for DSS. By that time he will probably have moved out of home anyway. You could be committed to visiting him at certain intervals and of course have an open house for him whenever he wanted. He might want you to go anyway... Your probably cramping his style :-)

He was talking about moving out earlier this year but it came to nothing and he bought a car instead. I think he would manage, he's quite sensible- goes to work every day, does his own washing and ironing, cleans his own room every week, saves his money and all that. DH isn't quite convinced.....
Am I being selfish because it suits all of us except DSS?

Hold the front page! Was that a post about a nice teenaged step son who works, does his own washing and bought a car?

Surely a first on Mumsnet. This should go in classics.

He sounds like he'll be fine on his own. Can you talk to him about it, see how he feels, then make more decisions from there?

I know, we are so proud of him I guess you are right, it's time to treat him as an adult and give him some choices. It's hard though, because he had to move 300 miles to come and live with us, he left all his friends behind and has struggled to make new ones here.

I think at some point you do have to do what's best for the majority of the family, and as your DSS is an adult, he gets to decide whether to come with you or not.

Perhaps this year before you move would be a good time for him to move out on his own - he would then have your support nearby for 12 months or so, so if things come up that he needs help with (e.g. how to set up a household budget, how to shop around for the best deal on utilities, how to deal with landlords, what to do if you have a burst pipe or lose your keys, etc.) Of course he could also look for a houseshare so that some of this may be covered anyway.

It would also be a good time for him to start strengthening the friendships he has got, and taking the opportunity to make new ones.

If you talk to him about it, he could also investigate jobs in Hampshire in case he did want to come too. It might be harder for him, but I bet he could manage if he wanted to.

I think the key here is involving him in the decision and making it clear that he's part of the family but, as an adult gets to decide whether he wants to move or stay. I wouldn't present it as "we are going but assume you won't" even if that is the most likely option

Thanks that's good advice. I think encouraging him to move out while we are still here is an excellent idea.