It's time to face up to the violence I witnessed as a child. Need guidance!

[ClairityVerity]

I've reached a point in my life where I need to face the impact of growing up in a violent home. Specifically, I need to understand how it's affected the way I view men.

I've always run away from men I've been attracted to, and still find myself doing so. I've met someone lovely, who I'm really attracted to and I know is interested too, but I'm too scared/ shy to do the normal things that women do to show their interest - in fact, I am in my forties and because of the legacy of my abusive father I realise that I still don't even know how to flirt! Does that sound ridiculous?! So I think this poor guy is confused as to whether I want to be with him, when all the while inside I'm yelling YES! but on the outside I think I may come across as friendly but nonchalant. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

This whole subject still scares me, but I have to move my life forwards and cannot let my past scar me and my life choices any more.

Anyone know any good blogs or books in the subject? Or have any of you been there too?!

TIA.

Yes. I was terrified of men, got shy, had no idea how to flirt, would fancy someone madly but be totally nonchalent or really overly chatty because i was so nervous. It got better after I had my first serious relationship at 25, but i'm still pretty shit at it tbh.

I did a bit of schema therapy, it made me understand myself a lot better and made me less scared of rejection/abandonment. Hypnotherapy also really helped my shyness and nervousness.

like i said though, i'm still a bit shit with men.

Hey..so strange you posted this. I just started a thread on basically this issue, called handholding. I had a very difficult childhood. I told a friend this week for the first time the detail of what I expeirenced. She was truly shocked. Super supportive and gentle and lovely. But truly shocked. And I just felt so shocked, because I truly didn't realise just how abnormal and horrible it had been

So back to you. I thoroughly sympathise. I feel my childhood has and an effect on whom I am. I find it very difficult to make friends for example and that is kind of what you are going through at the moment...finding it difficult to flirt. I was only in my late twenties when I had my first intimate relationship. I think you are on a very positive path though because you seem so self aware. You know this may have had an effect and you are trying to understand yourself. I think it will just taking meeting the right person who is gentle with you and who makes the effort to understand who you are and why you are a certain way. And then everything will fall into place. I guess everyone has their own individual barriers and this and you are no different. So it is not worse than anyone else's situation really. Could you explain to this guy...just be honest. I mean not the whole detail but a little Info that you do like him but just find it hard to flirt...

I feel for myself that eventually I will get there and I will be in a better place because I will have had to learn to overcome so much emotional difficulty. And I know that if I ever have children, I will not repeat the same mistakes as my parents. And that has to be worth its weight in gold.

Happy to comment more if it's helpful

Thank you both, I'm really touched. Fell asleep on the sofa so I need to get to bed! But I'll be back tomorrow. It's so heartening to hear from people who've bern in the same boat.

"I guess everyone has their own individual barriers" Yes, you're right! And in fact he had a very similar background, so I know he'll understand. I just have so much fear to overcome first!

I had this problem and probably still do.

I had a lot of talk therapy and realised that people who are conditioned to abuse are often attracted to abuse as it's what they know. My therapist asked what I thought happened when someone with an abusive upbringing found a good partner. I answered get married and live happily.
It was like a slap to realise that no, the person will often destroy that relationship and seek out what they're conditioned to.

How awful. I now have to really think about what I'm doing. Even my last fling has gone awry as I didn't see the signs.

I suggest talk therapy OP. Pick out the patterns and see if you can change your thinking to be bolder and to get what you want out of relationships. Good luck

It's so helpful just to know that other people are struggling or have struggled with the same crap. I was talking to a guy I just met today, for whom I feel absolutely no attraction, and reflected on the fact that (a) I wasn't intimidated by him as I would have been 20 years ago (hurrah to progress!) and (b) I didn't feel at all inhibited about being myself with him.

By contrast, yesterday I exchanged a glance with another man who I sensed was attracted to me, and it was only later that I thought I should have given him a second look - that's what people do, isn't it? They look back at each other and then progress from there. Whereas I absolutely never do that with men I feel something for, because I'm afraid of what might happen next. it feels threatening because that's what my childhood conditioned me to feel. So I do nothing, and lose opportunities.

I am so damn determined to rid myself of this pattern of thinking and feeling.

Rightallalong I do have a therapist, thank you. I'll be raising this at our next session.

hello Op, this may seem weird but had to say before i toddled off the bed.

Your description of your feelings is just like my dh, who also lived through the most abusive home imaginable.
I think it's great you seeing a therapist my dh found counselling really good and we have been married nearly 23 years.
He had to spell it out to me, there were so many mixed messages from him.
Be honest with your partner, they may not understand but will try and at least know where you are coming from.
Good luck

Therapy is a good idea. I'm sorry for what you went through.