My Relationship with me

[Furiouswalker]

I want to fix my relationship with me and I don't know where to start.

I've never felt good about myself, I've always felt ugly, thought I was a burden to everyone. didn't have a good childhood (parents were alcoholics) so I'm not close to my family.

I married my husband 25 years ago, been together for 30 years, we met at school. I've never been with anyone else, and I do love my husband but deep down, I've always thought I got married too young (18) because I wanted to get out the house, and because I thought I wouldn't get anyone else (I seriously think I'm that ugly and a burden).

Everyone in my life has let me down in some way or another. My husband had an affair approx 7 years ago, he said it was an emotional affair however, I think it went much deeper than that. previous to that, he had a thing for my friend, although he never acted upon it, but didn't hide the fact that he fancied her and when I asked him if she made a move on him would he go through with it, he said he didn't know.

basically since I found out about DH's affair I've been even more down on myself and it's not going away, I'm not getting any better. I feel as if I've been put on this earth as some sort of a joke. I would never harm myself or anything as I have children and I know they need me in one way or another.

I got into quite a bit of debt which initially I hid from my husband but eventually told him about it, and it is now almost cleared. I think this was something to do with his affair and I was trying to use shopping as a therapy for me which completely backfired.

I can't go to the doctor because in my job I have to get a medical every year so I can't have my employer knowing about this (please don't ask me what my job is, I won't say incase I get recognised).

I eat and eat and eat because I feel shit about myself, then I hate myself even more when I look in the mirror because I hate myself and then I start to pull at my face and my hair because I'm so ugly.

I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of me posting this, I guess I'm just looking for someone to "listen" to me.????

You sound really depressed. Have you ever had counselling? It's incredibly helpful when you feel everything's rubbish. And you can do it privately

Unmumsnetty hugs OP. Things to try -

5-htp google it on amazon - life saver for me

Vitamin B, oil of primrose

Mindfulness - I've just bought the mindfulness workbook for dummies via amazon. It's great.

Excersise - even if it's just walking for an hour each day. Endorphins help massively. Can you do the couch to 10k run walk app? Put your name down for the race for life next year and run it! It will force you to get fitter having a target. Also if you have an addictive nature, it's a positive thing to get addicted to.

Also pamper yourself - long bubble bath while reading a book, putting on some uplifting radio chat or music

Think about what a good friend would say to you in your darkest moments.

Thank you both for replying, I have tried counselling in the past but felt it didn't really help me.

I will check out the 5 htp. I do try to do some exercise, but then I just eat loads of junk.

My husband is deeply remorseful about what he has done, and he feels he has contributed to how I feel. I have tried to tell him it's ME who needs to fix ME, and I am the only one responsible for making ME feel better, but I just don't think I'm worth it.

I am sure you are beautiful.

This is a stroy from my childhood: I had to see a child phycologist. At first I was so scared as I thought she was really ugly with huge teeth.

Second time I already knew she was the most beautiful person on earth. She also helped me for life she was really great.

As soon as you sort yourself out you will see how beautiful you really are. I only just wish I knew how to do the sorting out bit as that's what I need to do myself at the moment. Maybe we should hold hands and go together.

That would be nice ReturnfromthrStars. I would like someone to hold my hand on this journey, but at the back of my mind I would feel so if I was burdening you x

Do you have friends you can talk to? Most people appreciate it when friends ask for support.
Like pp said, are you getting out? Being out every day for a walk keeps my mood lifted. Seems to work for most people

Haha you don't know me and my issuses I could be burdening you more x Do you have siblings by the way? Mine is great for real life handholding (both ways).

I think you have to start small. So, you think you are ugly, but I bet you are funny, or clever or have a talent for something, or something unique about you?

Maybe start a diary or blog. Everyday think about something you have done that was a challenge, or something nice that happened, something you accomplished, something nice someone has said, something you have done for someone else. Then write one thing you would like to change. Set yourself small goals, be they professional, personal, to do with your diet or health, or even something creative.

Start with the ugliest thing you can think of. For me it would have to be my wobbly bum. I used to exercise a lot but now its wobbly. So I intend to deal with this. Of course I have hundreds of other flaws (well I think so, doesn't everyone) but I can't deal with everything, I am super but I am not super human!

Fresh air, lots of it. And water, everytime you find yourself thinking about food have a glass of water.

Hi Furious,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. As well as your H's past infidelity, I think a lot of the problems you're feeling are due to being brought up dysfunctionally by addicts.

Adult children of alcoholics can suffer a huge range of psychological problems including low self-esteem, problems with responsibility (either taking on too much or being feckless), feeling like they have to fix things for other people, being either fixated on rules or not able to obey rules, and addictive behaviours of their own. Your eating would certainly fall into this category and it's very common to self-medicate sadness and depression with binge eating.

(I used to do this myself. There is a lot of alcohol abuse in my family.)

The type of counselling you had before may not have been helpful but a wise poster once said (think it was Attila) "Counsellors are like shoes - you have to find one that fits." Have a look on BACP website and look for some counsellors or therapists near you who specialise in eating disorders, and also check with them if they have experience of working with children of alcoholics. Contact several and get a feel for how they come across, have a chat on the phone - ask if they will do a free or cheap initial short session to see if you "click".

I hope you will do this - you deserve a better life

I would go away for 3-4 weeks. Book two places: one for relaxing, one for hustle and bustle. On your own.
Might help :)

Find a counsellor who can work on picking out the patterns in your thoughts and behaviours which can help you work on your self esteem. You sound so ground down and it really does help to talk this stuff through. Good luck OP.
The minute you take this step, I'm sure you'll fathom a way to pick yourself up and start again.

Goodness, I'm humbled with you all replying. Thank you so so much.

I have a sister, who I'm not close too, she likes her drink too much, thinks she is better than everyone, and is very good at telling me I married the first man that paid attention to me, that any time I try to make myself look good I just look a mess. She was always the pretty one.

I do have close friends, but I dont burden them with my problems, they have their own lives to live.

I don't think I'm funny or clever, I'm not interesting I lead a very boring life, but I have to admit, I like boring, boring is good. I also suffer from General Anxiety Disorder, I'm a worrier, so I worry about everything and anything, and I think this is why I like "boring"!

I would love to lose weight, it's just trying to find the time to get out and about, and go eat healthy. I always put my family first (this is my choice, this is what mums are suppose to do) so if I haven't made enough dinner, I just grab whatever is quick and usually it's not healthy.
I would love to be beautiful inside and out.

www.amazon.co.uk/Intimate-Connections-Signet-David-Burns/dp/0451148452 would thoroughly recommend this book OP. It helped me get my confidence back when I was really down and introverted.

Ooh sorry about your sister. If I had one like yours I would talk to a friend. A (good) counsellor is probably the way to go but a friend is a good start.

What do you have to lose if you pick a really good friend and talk to them about how you feel?

You were already brave to post on this forum ;-) A friend should be even easier.

Gratitude. Every day think of three things you are thankful for. Write them down.

Secondly the people I find truly attractive in my life are not the traditionally yet mundanely attractive ones but instead the ones who have amazing qualities. My friends have so many qualities that inspire me. They are not traditionally beautiful and yet they seem so beautiful to me

dahl shine out of face

Seriously beauty is more then aesthetics

I totally get where you're coming from, the feeling awful about yourself and not wanting to tell friends how awful you feel. I recently started counselling privately. it's an expense I could do without but like you I didn't want to go through my doctor.

This is my third counsellor over the years and the first two I really didn't find helpful. But this time it has made me massively more aware of my own thought processes and how my lack of self-esteem makes me see things differently to others. If you can find a way to get counselling, some employers or unions offer it confidentially, then I would highly recommend it but you might have to try a few different ones till you find something that works for you.

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I have ordered some books from Amazon to see if they will help me.

I don't know what to say, I just can't believe strangers would try to help. you have no idea how thankful I am.

Xx