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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

having serious doubts

22 replies

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 14:46

I'm having very serious doubts about my marriage recently. From the outside we have a good marriage. Dh is a really good man, he loves me very much and is just generally a good husband and father. He's been very understanding with my mh issues and I feel like he's my best friend. However, it's become increasingly clear that that's all he is to me-a friend. A lovely, fantastic man, but like a friend or a brother to me. I am feing quite miserable since I came to this realisation, and I don't know what to do. I feel very confused. I feel guilty that I'm thinking this, but I also feel that I deserve to be happy. Either alone or with someone else. And I feel that he deserves someone who genuinely loves him. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 22/04/2015 15:28

I think you have to consider very carefully whether you've really fallen out of love with him, or whether you guys have just been through such a lot that you've started to function habitually on a kind of 'stand by' setting. Life can be horrible, and can throw a lot of crap at you - and in those times, couples tend not to invest as much sexual energy in relationships.

Can you find some time to be with your husband and see if the spark rekindles then? A romantic weekend away, perhaps? It would be a shame to throw everything away if a break could start a new chapter. On the other hand, if this fails to work, I think you might need to think about ending things. Please don't consider having an affair as an easy way out of this. It isn't fair on him, and it isn't good for your mental or emotional health either.

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:13

Thanks for replying holly. No need to worry, an affair is not on the cards and I have enough insight to know that it would be a very bad idea. This feeling that I have isn't about anyone else or because someone else has come on the scene.
We had a week to ourselves around easter and did lots of things together. It was lovely, but it just cemented the fact that i fear I'm losing my feelings for him.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 16:18

Are you still intimate op?

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:24

Not very often, but we do sometimes have sex, yes. I feel awful saying that

OP posts:

somegirl · 22/04/2015 16:27

What a shame. How long have you geen married?? X

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:28

I've thought about suggesting that we go to couples therapy, but then wondered how I'd phrase it. He'd ask why I thought we needed it and then what am I supposed to say? Because I think I've stopped loving you and I want to make sure and see if I can get it back?

OP posts:

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:28

We've been married for 3 years and together for 10.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 22/04/2015 16:30

Sometimes mh issues and antidepressants can really screw up your more intimate feelings for a spouse, is it possible that it's just life that is blocking you from being "in love" with him at the moment?

Branleuse · 22/04/2015 16:34

are you on anti depressants.

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:36

I suppose so. I mean, anything is possible. A couple of years ago I had these feelings too and tried to tell him, but he just kept saying it was the depression talking. I just kind of accepted it was because I just thought I wasn't capable of thinking clearly. But here I am again with the same feeling and not even sure it ever went away, but that maybe I just buried it and hoped it would go away. That seems to be my way of coping with difficult things.

OP posts:

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:37

Yes I'm taking antidepressants. I've been taking them for ages now.

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Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 16:40

Depression can take away a lot of these feelings. And also, you know if you've been through a lot recently.... You only have so much energy - if you're burning it all on survival there's not a lot for romance left. I would imagine a lot of couples go through stages like this (after the birth of a child for example, where you're too knackered to do anything past function.)

Don't do anything hasty. Of course it may be that it has run its course, that's not something anyone can decide but you, but please look at the meds you're on, and what you're going through before you jump. Explore everything else first.

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 16:48

I'm not sure what you mean with explore everything else first skiptonlass?
When you say to look at the medication I'm on, what do you mean exactly? I know that the ADs I take are known for not causing any sexual dysfunction and I do still have sexual feelings, but I just don't want to have sex with dh if that makes sense? That doesn't mean that I'm actively wanting or looking to have sex with anyone else though either though.
I'm not sure Id want to discuss this with my psychiatrist to ask him if the medication could be causing this feeling.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 16:50

You're not unhappy, you are intimate. Your husband loves you, he is a great father.

I think you've got it pretty good tbh.

I would recommend counselling for yourself so that you can talk things over.

CaptainWentworth · 22/04/2015 16:54

Just wanted to say I am in almost exactly the same position, but no children- together for 10 years, married for nearly 4. However I have made it more complicated for myself by falling in love with someone else - didn't have a full on physical affair but definitely in EA territory. I would not recommend it.

I am now on antidepressants as well, which have helped me feel calmer, and I am also doing a lot of meditation which I find helps me think more clearly- the Headspace app is great for this. I'm also interviewing for a new job which would help me avoid the other man.

I'm still not sure what to do about my marriage though. My DH is a lovely man too and I feel he deserves to be with someone who adores him, not me who has hurt him and can't quite fully commit again. And having passionate feelings for someone else has made it all even more difficult.

I've been having therapy as well to help with low self esteem, which has had a lot to do with my problems I think. One thing my psychologist said which struck me was that people don't necessarily stop feeling the passion when they've been together a long time- it's just as common to still really fancy your long term prtner. I'd always assumed things were bound to fade over time, so that really made me think- still is.

Sorry that was really long, but I just wanted to say I sympathise. And don't have an affair! (I know you've already said you won't )

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 22/04/2015 17:01

How could you possibly know whether I'm unhappy or not quite likely? I felt that was very dismissive. Especially since I've suffered with mh problems for quite a while now.

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CaptainWentworth · 23/04/2015 13:36

Bumping!

Hope you're ok OP.

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 23/04/2015 16:49

Thanks wentworth. Went for a run earlier and have been out shopping to get some things I needed. Just trying to keep my mind off it really. But suddenly I started to feel very tearful about the whole thing and am still having to fight back the tears a bit.

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CaptainWentworth · 23/04/2015 17:05

Yes, I know what you mean. I keep feeling so upset and guilty that things haven't turned out the way that they were supposed to when we had our lovely wedding in church in front of all our relatives, and I feel it's me that's destroyed it all.

You haven't actually done anything wrong though (unlike me), so do remember that.

Have you ever asked your DH how he feels about your relationship? I've realised that my DH and I hardly ever really talked properly about what we wanted and needed- we were rubbish at communicating properly, although it all seemed fine on the surface. My psychologist recommended a couple of books for helping couples to communicate better and work through their problems - she really rates a guy called John Gottman for his work on communication, and recommended a book of his called 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work'.

I've not got to the stage where my DH and I want to work through it yet though. I think we're both a bit scared of committing to trying again.

I would definitely recommend some form of counselling for yourself though, to help work out what you truly want and what you feel is missing.

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 23/04/2015 20:05

Thanks. I am having open-ended psychotherapy that I was referred to by my paychiatrist. I've just started and will see Her once a week.
I know that dh feels our relationship is fine and that he loves me very much and that any difficulties I have in the relationship is down to the depression I've been suffering from.
I know I haven't done anything wrong but I still feel guilty.

OP posts:

Original poster

BisleyBoy · 23/04/2015 20:06

Thank you for the book recommendations btw. I'm not entirely sure we have communication difficulties tbh. We seem to be able to tell eachother how we feel without screaming at eachother or letting things fester.

OP posts:

CaptainWentworth · 23/04/2015 21:40

That's great that you can communicate well - I think that's essential for a strong relationship. My DH and I never screamed at each other or anything, but I know I have always held back from saying what I really think in case people think it's daft or don't like it. We both shy away from conflict or confrontation which can be just as bad as arguing lots in the end.

I really hope the psychotherapy helps you. Remember it's ok to focus on you for a while- it's taken me some time to start to realise that.

I'm probably spouting a load of crap to be honest- it's just my own experience. I wanted you to know other people feel like this.

And in the end, if you decide you don't want to be with him any more, you don't have to be.

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