Ex's Girlfried to meet Children

[Bugsy2]

Experienced and wise mumsnetters any words of advice for me.
H wants to introduce HER to our children on Saturday. He has proposed that they meet "daddy's friend" on neutral territory (leisure club) and spend the afternoon together.
I feel very ambivalent and nervous for my children. What should I ask him? Should I say anything to my children (only the 4.5yr old will understand as ds is only 2).
Ahhhh, mind in turmoil - soothing advice needed.

Message withdrawn

You could ask him if she's had a Criminal Records Bureau check, but that might be considered inflammatory!

I wouldn't be nervous for your children - both Daddy and "friend" will be on their best behaviour and I'm sure will spoil them. The only things I would ask him, is how long he has been with friend and how long he is intending to be with her, and therefore whether his approach to introducing her is as someone who is going to be part of their lives in the future (bad idea in my opinion - these things should be allowed to organically grow) or whether it is just going to be a casual introduction like it would be to any other friend.

If he's not sure it's serious with her, then he shouldn't bother to introduce her at all - kids don't need to know everything!

Try not to be upset or uptight about it, otherwise they will very soon catch on to the fact that this meeting matters to you.

Don't worry. I was daddy's girlfriend once (his ex had long ago left him for another man) and they have to meet her sometime. I the plan to have a nice afternoon together sounds eminently sensible. I don't think at 4.5 your dd will worry about their relationship at all. I would have gone mad if my dh's ex has cross questioned him about me, and he would have refused to answer and it could have got quite nasty - but then they loathe each other. I do think that unless he has given you reason not to, you have to trust he won't be introducing your kids to Cruella DeVil.
Despite the above, I can understand your feelings, I would probably feel exactly the same way. Only with knobs on.

I agree with meanbean. My ex has a new gf and he wants her to meet dd, whos only 16 months. He doesnt live near here either, so dd would have to stay with ex, whilst Im not there. It worries me, but then I think that Ive got a dp, who wants to play a role in dd's life, and so it is unfair for me to say that ex cant involve his gf.

Just ask your ex about his new friend, and find out about her, and if he gets funny about telling you things about her, just say you'd feel a lot more comfortable knowing a bit more about her.

But try not to get too worked up, as you dont want the children to start worrying.

HTH

I wouldnt worry about the children- as Meanbean says - they will probably get spolied rotten.
I have two stepchildren, and when I met them for the first time as 'daddy's friend', I remember being really nervous myself and desperate to make a good impression. I'm sure she'll be really nice to them.Well, she will if shes serious about him.
I wiouldnt say anythoing to your children as you'll be making it into an issue - and it shouldnt be like that for the kids. They should think that its fine with you - even if its not. Otherwise a whole new can of worms will be opened and thats not fair on the babes. hth
I cant type very well can I?

Thank you. I knew that I would get some sensible advice. You have helped me put it into perspective. Of course the kids wont give a monkies and she will be wanting to impress him (I hope).
This is the same woman he had the affair with over a year ago and now that I am petitioning for divorce it does seem to be full on again with her.
Feel better about it now. Just get that protective tigress feeling about my babies!!!

Have to say, would love xh to get a special someone! I know that sounds riduculous, he left me devasted with a 3.5 and 10 day old baby, but he sees them every second weekend and they watch tv all weekend. I mean ALL WEEKEND, last weekend dd watched finding nemo 7 times and Harry Potter twice.

I feel that if he got a girldfriend he would be more inclined to do things with them. It's always easier when ther's another adult to chat to.

Ultimatly, the life you had planned out for them in the womb is not going to happen & coming to terms with the fact that there may be another adult influence (that you have fa control over) is going to happen .

Go with the flow, and as long a they are happy about seeing dad, go with it.

Hard Horrible and soul wrenching - my thoughts are with you.

PS when this is happening go and pamper yourself, massage nails down, or just some afternoon drinks with friend, otherwise you will tear yourself up

I hated both of my mum and dads new partners, we saw them off time and time again, with skill...
relax, you're their mummy, she will be more nervous than you, dying for them to like her...
treat is casually, ask them to be polite and really pefectly behaved (hee hee reverse psychology or what)

My son has really liked his dads two seriosu girlfriends, one whom is no longer around (obviously) he takes it in his stride too...

My stepdaughter loves me and she loves her stepdad too. But it doesn't stop her mum and dad being the number ones in her life. Agree, use the time well to have a good time yourself. It really won't mean much to your kids and she will be really, really nice to them.

Message for Bugsy2 - was thinking of you Saturday - hope it was ok - let me know. x