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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you differenciate between your own insecurities and your instinct telling you the something is amiss?

6 replies

VixforVictory · 21/04/2015 22:13

Ups and downs with DH, trust and communication issues...

I look at whatever DH has told me about what his arrangement was in the end for spending time with his children at the weekend and I have no idea whether to believe him or not. Then I look at all the stuff that he does every day, how excited he is about the things that we are working on / planning together and how he was sharing all of that with his DC when they were here and it makes me question myself. Surely, somebody who consistently shows that much love, affection and dedication would not lie to you or throw what you have out of the window, or would the? What about the type of person who thinks that it's 'ok' as long as they can get away with it?

He's given me reasons to not trust him before and it hasn't always been perfect. He's a last minute type of person and often forgets arrangements which on occasions made me think that he was purposedly leaving it to the last minute to sort of 'drop the bombshell' and then disappear. He's made a point of changing that and being more transparent about things, but it doesn't come naturally and it hasn't been easy.

Everything was fine until DS asked me about the weekend, and my explanation was followed by "And you believed him?". I am trying to take it with a pinch of salt as DS is likely to feel protective towards 'good old mum' but also because there's a lot of tension between the two of them at the moment - two strong alpha males under the same roof and DS bang in the middle of his teens.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 22/04/2015 00:46

It sounds as if your DS may have sussed out your DH, while you may still be in denial.

If you have no idea whether to believe someone or not, this is nothing to do with insecurities, or with instinct, if you know the person very well. It simply suggests you have been let down or misled on many occasions.

There is not much else to go on, but I would say it is absolutely possible for someone to outwardly show love and affection, and excitement, and still lie if it suits them. It's dysfunctional though, of course.

Meerka · 22/04/2015 08:33

If your son has said that - your son - then I think there's somethign very wrong.

Surely, somebody who consistently shows that much love, affection and dedication would not lie to you or throw what you have out of the window, or would the?

Some men think that what you don't know won't hurt you. Some men think that a casual shag means nothing, it's scratching an itch and doesn't affect their real deeper feelings. And if you don't know then it can't hurt you can it? A lot of cheaters think those. If he's ever actually used that phrase, putting that together with your previous reasons for mistrusting him plus your son's comment - yes, he's probably cheated. Probably a lot.

Joysmum · 22/04/2015 09:40

My instinct is usually glass half full. I therefore take that instinct and tease out why I feel that way to see what the grounds are, then weigh up both sides for the most likely outcome.

Personally I see comsisteny on MN that people DO have good reason to feel insecure, whether there's something amiss or not. This is simply from the way they are being treated.

If somebody can't treat you in such a way that you are a better person for being with them then it's time to reevaluate. Why be in a relationship that is turning you into somebody you'd rather not be?

Twinklestein · 22/04/2015 10:25

I read your other thread, and I'm with your son: I don't believe him either.

The difference between insecurity and instinct is simply one of fact. Either he is doing what he says he is or he is not. If not, your instinct was correct.

Bottom line is that his past behaviour makes you aware you can't trust him completely, which is why you question him now.

The responsibility is with him. When someone tells a lie or a half-truth or behaves evasively - it makes you question everything they say & do.

So even if it turns out nothing is going on - you still have a problem in your relationship which is that, based on his previous actions, you cannot trust him 100%.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 10:50

He's given me reasons to not trust him before

It's not insecurity, then. It's experience.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 10:52

You know he's not trustworthy.

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