I'm 27 and I don't know how or what makes me happy anymore, I don't know how to live

[yoursewr]

I'm 27 and I'm in a very successful career. I have a partner, but I rarely see him due to his and my work (both work in Europe regularly, but not together...we therefore see each other every few weeks, and briefly). But, my DP isn't the problem. I'm not sure he is 'the one,' but that's not why I feel this way. I just feel utterly lost.

In my early twenties, I had such a passion for life. Even after uni, when applying for the role I have now, I was enthusiastic, I could take knockbacks (and there were many!). I went through a heartbreak and it was soul destroying, but I got through it. I worked hard to re-build my life. I was excited about things...I saw a purpose in all that I did, I was positive and resilient.

Now...things have changed. I feel like my job is pointless in the sense that it makes money but that's it...it doesn't benefit anyone, really. There's no real purpose to it, in my eyes. I am disillusioned with it. I feel like I lost a few friends along the way when trying hard to get into this career. That's caused some bitterness on my part (and my old friends, possibly). I don't have any interests in things. I try. I have been to language classes, art classes, the gym etc. But I don't actually enjoy doing these things...I often feel as if I'm 'watching' myself...not really living, just going through the motions. I also constantly feel like I don't cope well with not seeing my partner, I get anxious about it and that's out of character for me.

I also used to be quite funny (don't mean that in an arrogant way!), I could make people laugh and I took pride in my appearance. I used to LOVE going to the make up counter in Boots, and I would be forever browsing online for new outfits. A dinner out with a friend, DP, anyone, would be really special to me and I would go all out and really look forward to the occasion.

I've always been a worrier, but even my worries have disappeared into just a general feeling of anxiety. I can't remember the last time I felt excited about the future in any way, shape or form. And I have tried so hard to make the effort, I really have. I don't think I am depressed. I have been to see my GP and he said perhaps I was stressed. I don't feel stressed, I just feel empty. It sort of feels like I am in a mid-life crisis, and life is passing me by.

Any advice would be so much appreciated.

I think you sound really lonely. Your description of your life sounds a bit as if it's being lived for the benefit of other people.

Counselling would help, although your friends could do the same job. I would second the volunteering. It is going to be OK lovely.

Why don't you do something radical, like plan a year to travel? Or volunteer on a project abroad, something that gives you a real purpose? Then reevaluate your career when you get back. I bet it gives you a completely different perspective.

I always regretted not travelling. You are young enough to do something like that. If/when you settle down with a partner (btw this one doesn't seem the one for you) and have children, you will never get that opportunity.

Or if you don't want to give up a year of your career, what about those exodus trips eg the Inca Trail. I'm thinking of all the things I would have like to have done at your age.

I would definitely pursue the possibility of depression though first.

It seems that being in your current role is what makes you unhappy. Working long hours in a place that leaves you cold is going to have an effect. You're probably thinking you should stick to it. Money actually is really important . How many people do you think go to work to enjoy and realise themselves? How many do you think spend the whole day blacking out what they do just to get enough for basic survival? How do that majority get through their day?
Going to courses and engaging in peripheral ways is not helping you because it's not addressing the big problem that you have. IMO you can face up to it or change your attitude to work by for example deriving actual satisfaction from other activities such as volunteering already mentioned above. Just turning up to things you think you ought to like wont do the trick. You need to change yourself or change your situation.

How's it going op?

I was thinking about you and I wondered if you're experiencing a dirth of hope?

I think your anxiety about poor contact with your OH may be a big pointer in your overall malaise. You may be squared away in your head about the status quo but your gut may feel differently?

I know this is an old thread but this could have been me writing the OP only I'm early 30s which makes it seem worse as I feel I'm running out of time to sort myself out and have a family.

Would love to hear an update from OP or any of the other posters who wrote to say they were also going through feeling like this?

You sound very much like I felt when I was 25, nice house, nice BF, steady career I could progress in...but I was just bored. Bored with life, bored with not seeing a future, bored of the day to day grind. I realised it was because I wasn't with "The One" and I felt like everything we was doing, was for nothing, we weren't going to be together forever and I was having what I now describe as a mid life crisis at 25! I realised I had to bite the bullet and I finished with him which felt like a huge relief in itself. I moved back home and I started my life again. Nearly 7 years on and I couldn't be happier! I'm I'm a place I never thought I could be, I have a gorgeous little family, a completely different career I love, I'm getting married to the love of my life next year and lots of exciting plans for the future.

Sometimes it is just one thing that you need to change which will be the catalyst for the future.

Offside it sounds like you really turned things around and that's great to hear. I seem to have lost my confidence that I can (at 32) turn things around and I feel guilty at the thought of leaving my partner who is a good man.

There seems to be a lot of internal fear about leaving and not finding happiness or not being able to start a family which is very important to me.

Just wish I could find the strength and belief in myself to make the changes I need and rid myself of the sense of guilt and failure

Modern life doesn't deliver a lot in terms of meaning, genuine connection with people, happiness... I think we have too much of everything, too much choice...I'm not surprised people, especially young people, feel disillusioned with life...we are basically brought up to believe in nothing but the economy, to grow up as effective consumers of products, people, nature - and to treat all as disposable goods.

I would second an earlier poster and suggest that those who feel so inclined try going to church. The timeless beauty and serenity of a traditional church service can deliver in an hour and a half what a week's holiday does! A break from the frantic pace of life, competitiveness and the relentlessness of the digital world, the focus taken away from you and your problems...the full sensory experience of the music, incense, candles, silence...

And in terms of careers, while it doesn't pay a lot, being a priest has been described to me as the best job ever, and I can see why it would be! It delivers meaning and genuine purpose every day, not just in serving God but the people around you, your community...making real, lasting, meaningful connections.

The church needs more priests, especially women, and many of you would have important gifts to give...and what you get in return is immeasurably good...and a lot more fun than people think!

Thank you Belle, don't get me wrong, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was still difficult, he was all I'd known for 6/7 years, first serious BF and on the surface he was lovely, but once I got out I could see things I couldn't see before and maybe subconsciously this led to the way I felt about him.

I have a friend who at 32 had been with her partner for 14 years, said she never wanted to get married or have kids. People told her that it might be because she was with the wrong person. She eventually broke up with him and within two years she had moved to the other end of the country to be with someone who she used to go to school with and was married. So it doesn't matter about your age, you're still young, you still have time to start again and from my point of view, I'm much happier and feel much younger and brighter now at nearly 32 than I ever did at 25! If only you could see yourself 12 months down the line, it'd make your decision much easier. I hope it all works out for you and you get what you want

Things that have helped me in the past and present;

Volunteering

Raising money for a charity of your choice

Planning a surprise event for someone eg birthday or holiday or a meal

Finding joy and pleasure in the simple things in life eg daily diary, photo diary

Visiting friends and family to share what they enjoy and be inspired

Going on holiday with time to relax and reflect

----

I think you need to look at the positive things in your life that you already have (alot of people do not have these things)
A job with income
Your health
Your freedom
Youth
Your future

Then decide what you want and make plans to achieve your new goals

I posted a very similar thread. Kept crying and didn't know why. For some reason the feeling does seem to have subsided. I reckon you're in the same career as me (pls PM!). What worked for me was my best friend giving me a fat proverbial kick up the ass and telling me how awesome I was.

I also managed to get involved in a charitable scheme through work which meant that I could actually put my pretty shallow (but very useful to some) career to good use.

The reason you are feeling this way is because you have carved a materialistic and isolated life for yourself where you are self absorbed.

You are human which means a social animal. You need to be caring for or nurturing or helping others, not sitting alone like in a cage in a zoo.

How about volunteering at an old people's home or local charity or school or hospital?

Make that move away from such a meaningless, selfish and self pitying lifestyle and you will find a new meaningful depth to life

I am really interested in spendings some time volunteering - I do think I need to do something that makes me feel more fulfilled. There's no doubt my job is a good one and I can live comfortably on my salary but for the last year or two I'm overcome with thoughts of 'is this it'?

I want to give something back, make a difference no matter how small.

But I don't seem to have the confidence to walk away from this stable life and into the unknown. But I think I need too as I'm making mistakes and having regrets and I can't face this life anymore

Do you have any money saved? Could you or you and DP take off for some travelling? Childhood to education to more education to career + mortgage + family is what some people want. For others it becomes a rut. You are still young, you can perhaps get out now. Would second the idea of "proper" volunteering with, perhaps, VSO. If you have managerial skills you can pass them on to educate local people in developing countries. They can then manage projects themselves.

VSO publishes a newsletter and holds information sessions where you can meet returned volunteers. See website for details. If not abroad, could you volunteer in the UK? Would you like to live in a different way? See co-housing. Change of career? What do you like to do or have enjoyed in the past? Cooking? Walking? Sewing? Dancing? Can anything you enjoy doing be adapted to a job or career or some form of retraining?

At 27 I just wanted to be married. They do say, 'Beware of what you want. You may get it'. I went down into a very deep rut. If what you want is to be with DP can you discuss seriously and at length what possibilities are out there for you both? Good luck. A life with no living can seem very long indeed.

Volunteering can be useful to others and also yourself.
Being a charity trustee is one way. Do you have a charity you might be able to assist with?
Don't underestimate earning a lot now. It means you will have a certain amount of freedom both now and in the future. This removes a lot of stress from life.

wottoodoo I think that's bullshit, quite frankly. Because I feel like the OP but I have loads of friends who I spend lots of time with, I have a varied job that differs from day to day for a charity, I volunteer, I have hobbies. I don't earn shed loads of money, I don't have giant flat screen TVs, I have a small flat that suits my needs and I earn enough to get by without worrying but certainly don't have a a lot of spare. I'm a 42-year old man who has been single for six years. What do you suggest I do, because I feel like I don't know what makes me happy any more but I am very social and not at all materialistic, which blows your theory out of the water.

Hutch The first of your four options is the one I need (already do the third one, actually). Unfortunately, it is the trickiest of the four to sort out by a very, very long chalk. Haven't had a date in 5 years . I couldn't do the second option without someone to go with - I'd want to share going somewhere amazing with someone, coupled with the fact I need them to hold my hand as I am absolutely terrified of flying and only done it three times (friend killed in a plane crash no doubt responsible for that)

Shatner my post wasn't for you so perhaps being so narrowminded/dismissive/short tempered is something you might need to look at first if you haven't had a date in 5 years?

I always think dissatisfaction with life is the chrysalis needed for change.

Life is definitely exciting/scary/interesting when you go out of your comfort zone..nothing ventured nothing gained as they say. Good luck!

Hutch I am PMing you, as I don't want to put everything onto the thread, as it's hijacking from the OP.

As you miss yr partner it seems its time to have a chat about where the relationship is going - if anywhere - if yr partner is happy with the way things are & doesn't want something more committed where you see more of each other then it may be time for a rethink...

Re job clear!y what you thought would make you happy doesn't any more - if it ever did. So you need to think about what work happiness means to you. A lot of the research on this seems counterintuitive ie workers are more happy: in small companies, not in London or SE (miserable commute), where they have some decision-making power over their work day, as they get older. It also suggests women are happier as they measure happiness differently/across more parameters incl if their work is socially useful. In contrast the unhappiest workers are young high achieving men as they find out the corner office, ferrari & other outward displays don't actually cause happiness.

So you need to work out what your new direction will be & need to out some effort into researching this
NB volunteering abroad is only for the truly committed and often causes a lot more harm than good. I have spent my whole career working in development - you can PM me but also look at all the cautionary tales about international volunteering eg a few days ago in the guardian.

I have been there too, a few times in different form. What helped me was

• understanding what was making me really happy and what sort of work I wanted to do. We all spend most of our life working so it is worth doing somethibg that works fur you. Spending time sorting out what I wanted to do quel wise was one of the best thing I've done
• spirituality is what then gave me some meaning in my life, an aim if you want. You dont have to go churchy (but you can if you feel thats what works for you!). It can be more of an understanding of the world around us and the meaning of our life's.
• mindfuness is one of my great tools. It reminds me and allows me to enjoy the little things and to be present rather than a spectator of my own life. So offre wexarecdort of sleepwalking in our life, doing things with really being aware of it. Going back to bei g fully present makes a big difference to me.

I'm not sure I have THE answer though. I think it's more if a trial and error and realising that things arent right as a catalyst to make a change.
Good luck with it.