How should I handle this? Uncommunicative arse of a husband.

[EchoOfADistantTide]

He works overseas, several hours time difference, for a month or so at a time.

We talk most days, BBM in between. Dh says he's going out with a colleague who's last night it is.

In his last days DH is usually a miserable fuck. Fine when he gets home, but his grumpiness ruins the thought of his imminent arrival.

In the last 24+ hours Ive had a two-word response from him. It's early hours where he currently is.

I'v sent a message saying I'm going to bed and talk tomorrow (I'm not in the UK), message so far unread. Do i do nothing or - as I tempted to do - say I hope to swap more than two word tomorrow?

What I'd actually like to do is boot him in the balls but what would be the sensible thing to do?

Do you actually love and respect each other ?

When we're together, yes.

For the most part it's fine but when he gets to the end of his trip and he's tired/stressed he's a shitbag. He'll be fine when he gets home, as he always is, but this misery guts lead-up takes the shine off.

I dont know why you say "each other" I'm the one who initiates contact. I'm the one who has sent three messages today, received a two word response to that one and nothing since. I think that seems pretty one-sided, not a mutual lack of love or respect.

By the way, despite him usually being away for one month, this has been a double trip.

Have you spoken to him about it? What does he say?

Well, I would soon stop loving and respecting someone if they regularly and consistently took their shitty moods out on me

If this is a pattern, and he's always fine when he gets home, then I would ignore it. Go off and do other stuff and don't bother to contact him until he contacts you. There is no point starting a long distance argument just before he comes home, IMHO.

It seems very strange to me that someone would get grumpy when they were due to return to see their loved ones.

Have you asked him if he dreads coming home?

Is it the stress of finishing up the job, packing up, the travelling, or what? I'd be excited to be heading home, personally.

I wouldn't bother to contact each other every day - my DH works overseas a lot and to be honest he is in his 'working zone' and I am at home dooing mundane stuff so it is very difficult to have meaningful conversations. Don't keep sending endless messages - it makes you look needy.

We just talk when he gets home. .

Do you need to communicate so often? If he's nice when he is home and always shitty for a period while he is away, in your place I would take advantage on not bother communicating during that time, unless it is about something essential.

He doesn't, he's usually looking forward to getting home. By the end of his trip he's tired and stressed. Nothing to do with being out on the piss like he is tonight

I often want to give him a fuck-off tablet prior to coming home but he's always fine once he gets home. This has been happening for years.

What's different is that this is the last one for a while, after years and years. Also, I snet him once message today ad got a two word response. My two subsequent messages were read but not replied to.

I just don't know whether to say I hope to get more than two words in the next 24 hous or ignore him.

Linerunner, I think that's usually what it is, combined with being exhausted. This time has been exceptional, especially combined with him having been away close to 2 months.

Coyoacan, we're not constantly in touch. While he was away this trip we didn't talk for nearly 3 weeks.

I think I need to turn my phone off, don't I?

Yes, you need to turn your phone off. And/or find something mor intersting to do. It's just not worth it.

I don't think you should make too much of this. He has a lot on his mind planning his journey home and so on. And it is the early hours so you can't expect him to be super communicative.

I dont know what to think. It's getting one for 2am his time. My last message sent an hour ago has not been read and he's not answering my calls.
I would really like to be able to speak to him and tell him to fuck off

Viviennemary, he doesn't have to plan his journey home. It's not complicated, he does it on a regular basis, and his company book his flight. The only reason he won't be super-communicative in these early hours is because he's rat-arsed. I've heard nothing from him for 9 hours.

Stealthsquiggle, I think you're right. It's late where I am.

Head for bed, Echo.

I don't mean to be picky, but first you said 'we talk most days, BBM others' then you said this trip you'd not spoken for nearly three weeks. Are you generally happy with the communication between you while he's away, except for the last few days? Or is it all a bit disappointing?

You've also brought the going out on this piss thing in. Is that the real problem? Do you have any reason not to trust him?

hello

i dont post much and this is just my male side i hope it helps please go easy on me sorry its long winded!

i work away a lot, weeks in every month and multiple times per year and communication is very difficult, especially with large time differences crap wifi high mobile costs etc and in some countries but anyway i'm sometimes guilty of being awkward and short and i feel bad after.

problem is i kind of get zoned if that makes sense it might be me or a male thing i just like to go - work really hard and come home thats it the only way i can manage it is to focus on the end goal and near the end if time pressure etc is building up i just need to concentrate, its not that i dont care it just i trust my wife to soft things out as im one man i cant do it all, today she had rough night with one child having nose bleeds other one up a few time etc and i came accross and not caring, that's not the case i'm at work now and i just trust her 101% to sort it if required - docs etc if repeat that sort of thing, my mind is on the meeting review and how to influence project decision for next few months that sort of stuff as sooner im done sooner im home and now i'm not thinking about nose bleeds.

its also partly a male compartment thing it think like this - problem = nose bleed - fix problem with direct pressure - review with docs appointment

my wife does not need this advise she has already fixed the immediate issue and now sort of wants to keep me in the loop and also share the emotional bit of it but by telling me sort of offloading i guess, problem is my male brain sees this as a request for direct support and actions - call docs - change routine that sort of thing, she really doesn't need this! its just our male thinking i'm afraid, i've sort of lead off subject but anyway here is why i am twonk i try to just listen now, but sometimes i really dont have time- main points are below for me being a plonker on the phone in hope it helps!

1. i'm tired and its late/early
2. i'm rushing to get dinner/meeting/finish etc
3. its £6 per minute and although i love you its just a waste as i see you in 2 days so i'm rushing to get off the phone as a £300 bill is stupid (male mind thing but makes it worse and then end up having expensive argument/silence as wife feels under valued)
4. i've been here all day not getting your replies and now you want to talk and i'm actually a bit hacked off as it only suits you and i'm busy - this one you have to mutually suck up and accept other person is busy and not be a plank about it and explain situation - both ways
5. perceptions - yes i get meal out and dont wash up but its 10 pm after 14 hour day and i really dont want another bar meal - yes im in the bar (alone again) but i would rather be at home its not fun after 3 weeks eating same 4 things - wife envies what she sees as freedom where i see it as being trapped - greener grass i suppose so when asked about dinner i can get pissy if she says im out having fun!
6. wifi and mobile is actually not working, for some reason my iphone genuinely only sends messages and receives messages to some numbers on wifi when abroad and others work on cellular (roaming off) too i have no answer why nor does 3 but my wifes is a wifi only text number (also iphone) which means she cant get replies sometimes until i get wifi then my phone goes mad with in and out meesages and i get accused of switching my phone off! - i haven't and she would know i hadnt if she called me but i dont know if i have not received the texts so dont know to call!

its not because i'm having a wild time with some mystery lady in the hotel or because i dont care and am not interested in your day

hope this helps you understand male brains!

that said communication is the key both ways along with understanding, one of my collegues just goes away 2 weeks with no contact either way, that works for them, i like speaking to my wife and kids but it doesnt need to be for long every day just few mutually suitable mins at moment this is on morning school run though car speakers around 3 pm for me so i take a break but if i cant i dont and she undersands, i then always text good night and good morning she does the same and neither expects a reply until the other gets up etc its just nice to know and kind of respectful both ways as a first and last thought thing, my wife likes it too and if we both get the time and the wifi and it suits then we chat but we dont force it this saves issues

hope its helpful and your husband recognizes he needs to make some changes as mutual respect thing and you get to maybe understand why us men are like we are!

brilliant reply do3b

Sorry for not coming back, been a busy day.

Thank you for your male perspective do3b, it does actually help. I can't say I understand all that you've written but I can draw a lot of parallels so I can see that there is obviously a real and typical difference between the way men and women see things.

Tendon, we normally chat every day. There was a situation this time that meant we could't talk for nearly three weeks - it's not the norm.

We used to talk only once or twice a week and it didn't work for us. Without the continuity the "chitchat" disappears and the chats become talks - ie factual. We found that we became more like acquaintances than spouses and it pushed us apart making it quite difficult to reconnect when he got home.

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

TBH I don't know how I feel about him going out on the piss so frequently (although I understand that there are a group of men who don't want to sit in individual hotel rooms night after night). I think I'm a little resentful. I sit in night after night on my own while he's out enjoying himself. I can't change my situation and I guess while I'm sitting in on my own, sometimes not having spoken to anyone properly for days, I get pissed off that my chance to have a conversation with him is removed.

No, don't have any reason not to trust him.

Hi

re going out, i'm not going to condone the non contact, i answer my phone messages and even in a group we are all on whatsapp etc back home its just nice to be in a group must be a pack animal thing as it gets very lonely being away, its quite strange especially in a foreign country it comes down like a fog on your head if you dont speak in your mother tongue for a while as you have to over think what you are saying to make it clear and you just miss being around people even if you dont talk to them so you end up in the bar as its usually the only place to go, i am being really honest the grass looks greener but its not, flying is associated with holidays and therefore seen as fun, flying to a meeting is time pressured and stressful, we would all rather stay in an apartment and cook than go out but its just not possible with hotels, it really is a lack of options and its usually pants and the food gets very samey its not like going out for meal with the wife but thats how she can see it, she sees a nice meal out opportunity missed or enjoyed without her and now she has to wash up. i see another meal i really didnt want as i fancy some home cooking.

lately i've started going to the gym instead of the bar before dinner if possible which i have found helps in a number of ways i have more energy, its stopped me putting on so much weight during trips - something like 7 beers = another meal, its also made me more conscious of the drinking element to work trips as i would never drink this much at home and it must be classed as binge drinking if you do it every night so i now rarely drink beer and shorts with coke this stops the sugar ups and downs and then when you get home the switch back element is less - huge diet change and time difference the loss of your "space" as you are used to doing things in your own time after hours like sleeping the whole night leaving towels in the bath etc - occasionally i do this at home the result is bad :D

i can assure you if you mention going to the gym instead of the bar to your husband he will resent it, its something i decided for myself,

if it helps this is the extent of contact over 2 last days by text no phone calls as wifi is too slow for facetime and skype blocked here plus its 8 hour time difference and many £ per min!

me
your password is xxx

me at hotel going to gym x (knows why no answer as im running)

mrs
im in garden x

me
my legs are wrecked done 2 miles x

me
off for dinner

mrs
what do you want for birthday

me
short list of stupid boys stuff like ninjas and aeroplanes :)

me
wifi in resturant x

mrs
ok running around a bit x

me
forwards parcel delivery info

me
e mail not working

mrs
at docs

me
at hotel having drink x

mrs
waiting, enjoy your drink, i've found dream house

me

send link x

me very nice

mrs

dream house x

me

off to bed now xx

mrs

night x

its all mundane stuff i'm afraid! doesnt mean we dont care, i hope this helps with your insight and maybe your husband can see its actually easy to stay in touch and he is being a bit of a plank by blanking you, i did sort of resent my wife demanding contact when i was doing something else but you have to prioritize your male brain - drinking in this bland hotel bar with some guys i see when i'm away can wait 10 mins while i walk off and have a chat to the wife about whatever, we also all almost stop mid conversation with each other to reply to texts from respective partners it takes 30 secs to reply to the mrs your colleagues will be in the bar still when you look up and they all understand we do it to each other its not rude, especially if my kids call by facetime i will answer it if collegues are there or not no one cares they understand, and if the wife calls i always answer the phone if i see it and if its on speaker my first words are "your on speaker im not alone are you ok" then she respects that an says she will call later and i give her a better time or promise to call asap she tells me a time then, if i miss her call i ring back asap she doesnt ring 10 times every 30 seconds trying to get me as it causes a panic my end thinking something bad has happened but its taken a while to get this understanding from both sides

sorry if its long winded or not relevant to you totally but hopefully it gives some insight to others too, he needs to understand your needs and you his situation both need to try and find a balance that works remembering you work to live you dont live to work, the company will always replace you if they want but your wife and kids wont be able to so easily and you shouldnt want them to so just stay in touch a bit!

It's great reading your posts. It's like I'm your wife :D

Unfortunately this isn't something new, we're talking years so it's unlikely to change, but it really has helped to hear it from a man's point of view.

something else, I might send a message - say, your wife's message "I'm in the garden" It's not a question but I king of expect a reply "That's nice", "Hope it's warm" etc but I think when he reads it he thinks "Oh, she's outside. That's nice" and thats it, no response required.

Interesting thread and your "from a male perspective" posts have been helpful do3b.

At the moment my h works away most weeks for 3, 4 or 5 days at a time depending on the week - and stays with his mother who lives in the town he is working in. If I don't call him the entire time could go past without a single call from him (to me or our dcs), unless he occasionally needs something doing or wants me to find him a phone number (he is renovating a property so does not have access to his computer during the day) .

Him being away so consistently and having what feels like a separate life that he enjoys, while not making any effort to communicate with us while away, does sometimes feel like some kind of desertion or like he doesn't care and it doesn't help that we have had massive relationship issues that have not been completely resolved though things seem better than they were. My h also never answers my texts though he does answer the phone.

So I can relate to your statement that absence does not always make the heart grow fonder echo. I guess all you can do is talk to your dh when he comes back and see if you can agree on a level and type of communication which suits you both. I can't imagine what it must be like being apart for so long. I suppose the distance makes you realise that you (or my h in my case) could easily live apart which feels unsettling - or this is how my h's regular absence makes me feel not that I feel much less isolated when he is here as he will spend most evenings talking very little and working on his laptop .

i did sort of resent my wife demanding contact when i was doing something else this statement has helped me do3b as I sometimes feel a bit hurt if I ring my h and he answers the phone in a "yes what" grumpy kind of way (and I immediately think blimey I haven't spoken to you for 24 hours, please sound a bit happy to hear me). I guess he really is just trying to get on with the (physical) work he is doing and that he does compartmentalise. He does tend to sound a lot more chilled out if I ring him when he happens to be having his lunch.

I think my issues with my h's lack of communication while away are compounded by his lack of communication in general and the problems that we have had. These problems have involved some lying (not about another woman as far as I am aware ) which then starts to make you question a lot of stuff. Complete silence from someone for several days does begin to make you wonder (in my case) whether they give a "shit" about you at all. Pardon my language but it felt more expressive.

Thanks for your posts do3b they have been great.

no worries thanks for all the kind words to my replies, i will go back in my box now, i'm usually only on here looking for advice on how to deal with my awkward mother and the issues she causes with my wife and dont post unless really relevant!

echo i will try to send more engaging replies to my wife thanks for the advice

hope it all works out for you all

feelrejected it's of absolutely no use to you, but it does make me feel better to know that someone else understands exactly how I feel. I nodded in agreement all the way through your post.

I won't be talking to him about it, it's a conversation we've had time and time again. Things are generally a lot better than they were so I think I'll have to let this one go.