Need advice re: DS after split

[choccyfiend78]

My DH walked out on us in January stating that he wasn't happy after being together 12 years and married 8.5 years with 6 yr old DS.

He sees DS once a week for tea and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening (this is a new thing as he was having him every Friday night but bringing him home just after lunch on Saturday so didn't actually see that much of him after tea, bed, etc).

Anyway, the main reason for me posting this is I am really struggling with DS and how to handle him. He has had things explained to him in the way of daddy doesn't want to live here any more, its not your fault, you will still see him, etc but he won't be coming back.

To start with he seemed to be taking things OK but just recently he has been playing up something shocking for me, not listening and refusing to go to bed, etc. When i ask him why he does it he says i don't know mummy, i'm sorry mummy and if i ask if he does the same with daddy he says no. When i asked him why not he said "because i need to make daddy happy then he might come back". I know for a fact that this won't be happening as 4 weeks after he moved out he had moved our next door neighbour in with him when DS isn't there!! (I was under the impression she was staying with a different friend). DS doesn't know any of this, he has been hurt enough and doesn't need to know.

Last night at bedtime ended with us both in tears as he started with "i really miss daddy" then moved onto "but i neeeeed him!" and i just don't know what else to say to him. He wanted me to ring exH so he could ask him to come back but i had to say no as i know he would just say the same as every time DS asks him which is "i am not coming back ever!" and it wouldn't have helped.

Sorry for the ramble but does anyone have any advice on what to say to him? I know he is hurting, so am I but i can't bear to see my baby in such distress and feel totally useless as it seems nothing i do or say makes any difference.

Thanks for getting this far!

I guess what he is experiencing is normal, as he is coming to terms with the new situation. Be there with plenty of hugs, cuddles and support.

It must be worth looking online to,see if there are any websites (Childline?), that can help,you or him in this situation.

and for you

When i asked him why not he said "because i need to make daddy happy then he might come back".

Poor little lad :( It is still relatively early days and he is obviously still holding onto that hope that things will "go back to normal". I think all you can do is keep reiterating that both you and daddy love him very much but that you don't love each other any more.

Is his school aware of what's happened? Might be worth having a chat to see if they can recommend any resources?

Apparently he is fine at school, i keep checking with his teachers and they say he is OK, the only thing he did was tell everyone in his class that his daddy had got a new house the day after he moved out!

My DDs were smaller than your son but I always tell them the truth. He will find out and if he thinks you are both hiding stuff how does he have something solid to build his new life on.
However hard it is I think you have to explain that Daddy has a new girlfriend and he isn't going to live with mummy again and being good or bad isn't going to change that.
Obviously all the stuff about loving him. It's ok to say you are hurting too and lots of hugs helps you too.
I bought lots of books but im not sure they really helped. I think there's one called 2 houses or something. I quite liked that one as it had interesting pics. In part it's about giving him the vocabulary to discuss what he's feeling. It does get better but kids hope there parents will get back together even when they are grown ups.

Your son is clearly better off without a dad without morals but that doesn't help the heart break. Be honest. Don't protect your ex. Tell your son he truth, age appropriate, as it is the only way. If he has seen the girlfriend that will upset him too.