Unlikeable and have no friends, very depressed.

[lithiumfear]

I've always been a bit of a loner - sociable, with lots of friends, but very few close friends. At least I did have some though.

Over the years the friends I've been closest to have moved away, become involved in careers, and just generally drifted.

This has never been a problem till now. DD2 is in reception, and I find it very difficult to chat to other mums. I see a crowd of them together, and I have gone and tried to join in, but I feel like a bumbling, socially inept, fool. They tend to carry on talking, and if I join in, they smile indulgently, but don't engage.

My neighbour became a very, very close friend. She has an 'interest' which my parents have moots for, so I introduced her to them. She has become as thick as thieves with them, but never has time for me anymore. If I do see her, my dad tries to tell me about her, as she's 'his' friend, not 'mine'. In fact dad made our relationship worse, when he told her that I'd heard arguing with her other neighbour - I didn't tell dad, I told DH, he told dad... and much as I love dad he has a big mouth. It caused her to blank me for a while.

I was supposed to get my haircut last week at home - the hairdresser cancelled the day before. I became convinced she hated me, so I took the scissors to my own hair... it is now too short for any remedial tidying. I guess it's a form of self-harm (though I never thought it consciously at the time). I used to self-harm at times like these, but haven't since DD2 was born sleeping, and wouldn't now.

I'm due to be discharged from CMHT in the next month, which is great, though I don't always take my medication.

I just feel stuck, and hated by everyone.

Have you thought about joining clubs, night classes or volunteering? Find people you share a common interest with, and take it from there. If you're in England remember the English (as opposed to the Scots, Welsh and Irish) are quite reserved. It takes a while to be invited into someone's home, or even for a coffee. Small steps.

Thank you. No I'm too shy to do anything right now (seriously I have literally no confidence). I do help DH on the market, so at least I have some social interaction, and I've been to one mum's house a couple of times.

I think it's the fact that the hairdresser cancelled at last minute, and wouldn't rearrange that has caused this - it makes me feel that I'm really horrible

I'm sure a good hairdresser can do something with your hair - a pixie cut?

I went through a period where all my friends moved away. It is quite soul destroying when this happens.

Maybe be a bit braver at school. Try inviting people back for coffee. Not everyone will say yes, but someone may.

Are there any clubs that run through the day you could go to. Gym? Zumba? Book club? Or in the evening?

Get a dog. People always talk to people with dogs.

Are you too shy to volunteer for a charity shop? If you work on a market stall, it would seem really easy, and you probably have some skills they'd find useful.
How about volunteering with children? They will soon knock the shyness out of you. Guiding is crying out for volunteers nationally, and is something you could do with your daughter for moral support.
Or what about a sports club? Something like a running club where you run with other people, but don't feel you have to make conversation all the time.

Take your medication! You know that not taking it regularly can make things worse than without . And talk to someone about this problem with the hairdresser if you can. It's not the sign of a healthy mind to assume that the hairdresser has cancelled because you're horrible - who knows, she might be ill or something; when you work with customers you don't like them all, of course, but you don't only work with the ones you like! You want their money. And even if she can't stand your guts ... do you love everyone you meet? Of course not. So not everyone you meet has to like you. It doesn't mean that you are horrible. Again, basing your own self-esteem on others' perceived beliefs is not the sign of a healthy mind. What you're thinking is twisted by your state of mind; it's not facts.

I'm so sorry about your loss. How absolutely devastating.

I am having counselling at the moment and the counsellor has a framed quote saying something like, 'we need to remember that our thoughts are not facts'. I find this very reassuring. You may feel horrible and unlikeable but this does not make it true. It sounds unlikely tbh.

Getting the balance right in the school playground is mortifyingly difficult. Just exchanging a smile and a few words with a few people each day can lead to real friendships gradually. After a while it's normal and fine to ask if they fancy meeting for a coffee 'some time soon / next week' and getting something in the diary. Getting knocked back is horrid but NOT a sign that you are horrible. More likely that other person is stressed, busy or having problems themselves.

Please, please take your meds and be absolutely honest with your carers that you have self harmed ( yes, chopping off your hair is IMO self harm) and have been erratic with meds. You need their support to get well and strong. It IS possible to lead a full and happy life with mental health problems. You can gain confidence, friends and a social life.

I would second a dog if it is possible, they are much more reliable for friendly chats with other owners than the parents of other children! And maybe consider volunteering for the school PTA? It's a good way of getting to know people and the school and you can offer to take on as little as you like.

Wishing you well. You are not a horrible person. Repeat.

I can really sympathise with feeling socially isolated. I'm currently going through a phase where a once busy group of friends has slowed down a lot. I've forced myself to join a sports club and I feel like an idiot sometimes, but i can't think of any other way to increase my social circle. I'm forcing myself to join another this week.

School mums for me were the worst. I always felt like an outcast. They can be quite cliquey.

As for thinking people hate you and self harming, the only thing thats going to help with that is some form of counselling.

Volunteering is another great idea. There are so many charities in desperate need of volunteers. Befriending specifically could be great for you getting out socially and helping others who are isolated.

Thank you all lots to be thinking about.

My hair is pretty much past the state of repair though - it is pretty much a pixie cut so there really is only mere CMs to play with - to be fair both my mum, dad & the mother from school who I do see, all thought my hair had been done by a hairdresser... the school mum is a hairdresser herself (didn't know at the time).

Thanks again for the help, and I will tell my care co-ordinator x

Have u got abandonment issues? It is very extreme to assume the hair dresser dislikes you just because she cancelled

The school play ground can be kinda daunting but you will naturally end up mixing with people. It takes time but try not to feel like the outsider, try not to care what they think of you. If your child has made friends talk with the parents about them and find common ground from there.

Never assume people dislike you or are looking at you like an outsider, I've felt that way before but it's just a negative thought. Try to notice when you think these thoughts and replace them with healthy ones :)

The problem with the school gate imo is that everything you say to a group is public (unless you've sidled off to one side). So instead of having an intimate chat with someone over coffee you are on a soap box announcing your boring everyday chat to the world. Very disconcerting.

This book www.amazon.com/Friendships-Dont-Just-Happen-GirlFriends/dp/1618580140/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1429645633&sr=1-12 is very useful imo. It makes you realize it is not just you. and gives explanations on how to go about making friends, and why you might not be making them at present. (best place is when you see them daily - work? school? uni? and if you aren't seeing people for a length of time on a daily basis then that is most of the problem - school gate is for a few mins, not conducive to friendhsip).