This is a post asking for help in dealing with the breakdown of a friend's marriage. I posted about it yesterday, but got no replies 
. I am struggling to know what to say and could really use some help. (I also want to emphasize that this is not one of those 'about my friends' posts that is actually about me! I'm pretty open about my issues on here, and I swear this is genuinely about helping a friend!)
Basically, my friend who has been married for nearly 20 years found out her husband has been sleeping with all kinds of other people - so-called friends, prostitutes, anyone who offers, the works. He is basically following The Script line for line: (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script)
She is very hurt, obviously. However, their relationship is BDSM, so she is inclined to see this in terms of that dynamic, instead of as abuse. I do not know what to do or say about this. There seems to be some strange, subcultural thing about BDSM, where proponents of the lifestyle believe they are superior in adventurousness and insight to what they term 'vanilla' relationships. The model of personal identity seems to be very strong even if it is rather simplified, like that of teenagers ('I'm a goth! You're a plastic!')
So while on the one hand, she is devastated, on the other she is almost seeing this as confirmation of their unusualness and of her role as the submissive. I believe that the second perspective comes largely from him and is part of a highly abusive situation in which she is being manipulated in all kinds of ways that she hasn't consented to. (As a feminist, I am struggling to deal with the whole consenting-to-submission thing anyway, but this goes way beyond that - he's manipulating her in ways she hasn't consented to).
I am frustrated by this and I do not know what to say (or even if there is anything I can say) to help break her out of this way of thinking! HELP!