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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice Needed Please (*Trigger child abuse warning)

7 replies

SadFamilyStory · 20/04/2015 23:42

I really don't know where to start except to say I just need to get this out. I'm not even sure it belongs in this section.

So this isn't epic to read I'm just going to try and give the basic facts. My mother moved in with a man when I was 8. He started sexually abusing my sister and I. My mother knew about this and left me with him when I was 12. She and my sister moved out. I fell pregnant to him when I was 13 and gave birth to my first child at 14. My mother signed papers and arranged a wedding to him when I was 16. He is 27 years older than me. I gave birth to two more children and developed Stockholm Syndrome along the way. I had two boys and a girl with him.

By the time I was 30 and I knew that something was very wrong and I found the courage to leave. I had (and still have) blocked out most of my childhood memories. I had even forgotten that he had done this to my sister as well :( Through all this time, I had made a choice to never tell my children what had happened to me. I honestly thought this was the right decision for them as I never wanted them to feel 'less than'. I love them with all my heart. Fast forward a couple of years and my daughter (now 22) overheard my sister having a conversation about her abuse and she heard some of the truth. This was the first the kids had ever had any inkling that this had happened. We went through a very traumatic time as a family. The boys chose to still have their Dad in their lives (understandable) and my daughter chose to cut him out.

I met a wonderful man about 12 years ago and we are now married. He knows all about my history and found it very difficult to accept that I didn't prosecute the monster. I tried to explain that my children loved him and I didn't want to hurt them (at this point they still didn't know any of the history). My fucked up brain honestly thought I was doing the right thing.

My daughter recently has become suicidal and all signs point to her also being abused by this monster (only found this out 2 days ago). I can put my hand on heart and honestly state that I thought the abuse ended with me. I obviously convinced myself of this. I am beyond gutted and I truly don't know how to function or what to do.

I told my husband everything that was happening last night and he got very, very angry at me and called me stupid, selfish and naive to have let this monster of a man walk the streets for all this time. In hindsight, he is absolutely right. I feel like my relationship with my husband is fractured and will never be the same yet this is the time I need him the most as I try to support my beautiful, precious daughter work through the pain. I know I need to be together and strong for her and I will be. I just hoped by typing this out it might give me some perspective because right now, I have nothing, I am nothing - I am broken and I'm not sure I can be plastered back together this time. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
bigbumbrunette · 21/04/2015 00:31

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It sounds more than difficult. I'm not the best person to respond but am sure there'll be more knowledgeable people along soon/tomorrow. Do you have any support? There must be groups or charities out there that can offer help? Have you sat your husband down and told him you need his support right now, not anger? It sounds like it's misplaced anger in shock. I hate to say this.. but are you sure your boY's don't also have Stockholm Syndrome?
I wish I could help more.

textfan · 21/04/2015 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ASAS · 21/04/2015 00:51

Although she's an adult, Barnardo's or NSPCC may be able to signpost to support for your daughter.

I'm so sorry.

Would you consider prosecuting now? May I ask if you had any sort of adult support as a child? When you became pregnant were midwives/health visitors involved in your home life?

Again, I'm so very sorry.

bitbybitbybit · 21/04/2015 04:07

Ever so sorry to read about how this monster treated you and your sister...On the othet hand it isgood to read you have found genuine love and have that as a part of your life now. Your currdnt husband is not going anywhere i think he reacted out of frustration and concern that's all. You are not stupid at all what mothersdo to protect their kids can seem crazy but what's done is done.
Perhaps now that your children are aware and that your daughter is suffering a great deal wiuld be time to consider prosecutting. Especially if you suspect he has been abusive to her in any way Don't let him put her through what he's put you through. Do a bitof research and reading have a chat with your husband and take action ASAP

Best of luck Xxx

littlejessie · 21/04/2015 04:22

((SFS)) your story has moved me to tears. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and for the situation you now find yourself in.

Please remember NONE of this is your fault, you were a child when this man took advantage of you so badly, and his manipulation of you has probably resulted in your brain switching to some sort of survival mode in order to cope.

It will seem like an enormous thing to do, but now you think he has also hurt your precious DD, do you think you have the strength to report him?

Your DH will be angry on both your and DD's behalf and I hope he's just lashing out in frustration. I can understand how much you need his love and support at this time, not recriminations.

CheerfulYank · 21/04/2015 05:35

Oh, honey. :( I don't know what to say. You were just a baby.

Please contact some of the above organizations for help. I'm not in the UK so I can't really give advice about them but anywhere would be a good place to start.

Mermaidhair · 21/04/2015 06:11

This is one of the saddest stories I have ever read. I to have had a very traumatic life. You must be so confused op. You definitely need to get some professional help and advise on how to deal with this whole situation. You will probably need more than one person, keep going until you find the right help. I say this because when I tried to get help I had professionals telling me they had no idea what to do! You were only a baby op, you were abused and I would be surprised if you even knew how to protect your daughter. Your mother obviously didn't show you. You are traumatised, go gently and slowly. Much love xxx

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