Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

AIBU? Feeling so confused.

9 replies

ahertra · 20/04/2015 21:23

I'm a first-time poster, so I hope this makes sense/is appropriate for this particular message board.

Myself and DP were at the brink of buying a home together at the start of the year. I was extremely excited about this - we had saved equally towards it. We had looked round places and decided on which area to settle (a town outside Hull, that is close to our friends and family). My DP was offered, to my mind, an out of the blue position with work overseas. This is a a contract and will be up in December. He left 1 month ago.

This all happened very quickly. One minute we were planning on buying a home (we had actually narrowed down to 3), and the next week, this job had come up. In the past DP had expressed an interest in overseas work, but obviously I had no clue he wanted to go for this amount of time, or I wouldn't have been looking round other's people's homes for the last few months!

*worth noting that DP did discuss it with me but essentially he would have gone whatever, regardless of my view, and he knows I wouldnt have wanted to have stopped him anyway).

The job - it pays a lot more and DP maintains that if we wait, we will be in a better position financially (currently we were pushing ourselves to buy). He wants to take the role before we have kids etc. He says it is a shock but also to him and he really wants to do it.

The concern: Good part is I've heard from DP a lot. The time difference has meant it is hard, but we talk. He wants me to visit. He will come back. But because of how out of the blue this role came up and how fast things changed, I am finding it hard to trust DP..will he come back? Is he being sincere when he says he won't do this again next year when we look for our home, the second time round? Am I being unfair in being this suspicious? Whenever he says something positive about enjoying it there, I feel a bit cross and like he's about to let me down/mess me around (ie he's going to just randomly announce another huge plan that doesnt fit for us as a couple).

I have spoken with DP about all of this. I get the same answer every time - that this will be enough for him and he won't want to go again - when he comes back we will get on with starting our lives properly together. I guess my trust has been broken a little, and I can totally see why he wants to do the job, but I can't help feeling in shock a bit that this all occurred in the first place. Only weeks ago we were budgeting for new furniture, and then he disappears! We're 28 and 29 if that is relevant.

Would you trust him, AIBU in allowing myself to feel this way and let it impact the relationship?

Thanks.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 20/04/2015 23:48

I think you're being very honest and level headed about your feelings. It's a hard one and I have no real answer I suppose the proof will be in the pudding when he gets back in the meantime try not to project into the future of what may or may not happen, nothing is set in stone for any of us. Enjoy talking to him, missing him even and look forward to your reunion first and foremost

GlitteryLipgloss1 · 21/04/2015 00:01

that would put me on edge too. It's like he ran off into the distance as soon as he got offered a chance to.

Do you trust him OP? Trust him to come back?

SurlyCue · 21/04/2015 00:09

he would have gone whatever, regardless of my view,

This would be a massive problem for me and could be the root of your distrust. Very understandably. If you arent getting a say in this then there is nothing to suggest you ever will- meaning there is nothing to suggest he wont do the same thing again, knowing he will do what he feels like regardless of how you feel. Personally i couldnt and wouldnt accept a relationship on those terms and would be laying that out clearly to him. I wouldnt buy a house, heck i wouldnt buy a goldfish with someone who had so little regard for my feelings on such a big issue. He has essentially made it clear to you that he can and will walk away from you when it suits him.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 21/04/2015 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knotswapper · 21/04/2015 01:04

I think you'll probably find that once he's had one contract overseas he will find it very hard to turn down future offers. I'm sure he is actually sincere at the moment but come December if he's offered an extension he might well take it - have you asked him what he will do if that happens? Will he start looking for a permanent role in the UK towards the end of the year (and it's the worst time to start looking too).

There's no reason why you can't buy a house while he's working overseas - I did. However, you may have to face the fact that he will want to continue working in this way.

maz210 · 21/04/2015 11:04

It does sound as though he's put his feelings/wants ahead of yours. I think it's very natural that you feel unsettled by this and it's understandable that you're questioning whether he would do the same again.

How long have you been together? Has he been worried about how your relationship will cope with being apart?

I can't imagine my husband doing something like this, even early in our relationship - it would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

Quitelikely · 21/04/2015 11:44

All the guy has done is taken an exciting work opportunity. As far as I'm concerned he's guilty of nothing else!

Nobody here can predict what he will do come December.

I can understand your disappointed that your plans were put on hold but he has said he's back in December if he isn't then you can split up.

When you have children and a mortgage it's a very hard time financially the more preparation you can do in this respect, the better. You will never ever regret it!

pocketsaviour · 21/04/2015 11:46

I would look at this from a financial and career viewpoint and say it seems like the best decision at this point to set yourselves up for the future.

I take is this contract is a stepping-stone to more senior-level work once he's back in the UK?

I think he's doing the right thing and there's no reason not to trust him unless he was doing untrustworthy things while he was in the UK.

Surely it's far better for him to do this now while you're both still young than to get offered it at a later time when you might have started a family?

NameChange30 · 21/04/2015 11:51

Have you and DP discussed marriage? Is it something you are both interested in?
You mentioned buying a house together and children, which are both big commitments, so I wondered why you didn't mention marriage - it might not matter to you? (I know it doesn't matter to everyone.) But I do think marriage is important so if I was in your situation I think I would want to be engaged before him agreeing to work overseas for so long (8 months?)

Flip