Apologies which are not actually apologies. What to do

[DeckSwabber]

Do you insist? Go back and say that you feel its not enough/misses the point?

I think that has to depend on the situation.

If it's an acquaintance and it was over something minor, I'd probably let it go.

If you're talking about your partner and it was something significant (e.g. banging someone else) then yeah, I would pull them up on it.

I'm not sure you can really 'force' someone to offer a genuine apology if they don't want to.

I recently apologised very nicely for something which I genuinely didn't think was my fault at all but I just couldn't be bothered to carry on 'discussing' the matter - I let the other person think I had apologised gracefully but privately I was sticking two fingers up at them .

It's my brother's wife who has launched a nasty attack on me. My brother, who I have a very toxic relationship with, has responded saying 'shes upset about something else' which makes a change from his usual approach which is that I'm to blame. I am pretty sure he thinks that is the end of it.

But what she said is way too nasty and specific to dismiss as being 'snappy' or distracted. It's full on.

I've replied saying she needs to apologise herself.

You can make someone say sorry (to get you to shut up about something).

You cannot make them be sorry.

If the first apology was not actually an apology then most likely the person is not sorry.

If the person is not sorry you have to either:
a) decide it is not important and let it go, or
b) decide it is important and make there be a consequence for the person, which could be now or next time they do it.

If you choose (b) and consequences for next time then you have to decide whether to warn the person of the consequences of a repeat offence then you have to follow through if they repeat the offence.

Nasty attacks are not justified because someone is upset about something else. That's a cop out.

Anyone can apologise. If you haven't had an apology, you haven't had one.

Her attack includes lots of crap like 'you hate us', 'your mum has only ever cared about your kids, not ours' which is completely irrelevant to the topic and also untrue.

I wonder if she's expecting me to reply reassuring her and apologising to her.

I told her her email was 'unkind, and unnecessary'. What I really want to do is tell her to stop playing the bloody victim all the time.

I agree with the others, you can't make her be sorry. Nor do I think you can make her say sorry properly or in person.

The saying that you can't change someone, only how you respond to them is relevant. So you either decide the half-baked apology is sufficient, or you don't bother with her in future (which is what I would do).

Life is too short to engage with a toxic sibling and his wife.

Does she have a point? Do you dislike her? Does your Mum have a different relationship with your DC?

Ignore her.

She says she was going to write me a nice apology but now she doesn't have to and isn't going to. So that's that.

FFS.

A clever person once said, 'A stiff apology is a second insult'.

Cross her off your Christmas card list and move on.

This all sounds a bit childish. If the relationship is toxic then disengage.

It is bloody childish. Its been like that for years.

They have both let me down really badly over the care of our mother in the last five years so I don't really have anything to do with them any more except to give updates occasionally (which they do not reply to) and to ask occasional questions. This was one of those questions, and concerned who I should make a birthday cheque payable to as I don't know if their children have their own bank accounts.

It was a strange thing to kick off about, creating a drama out of nothing at all.

I thought it was worth making a stand as this angry behaviour seems to have become the norm with her and actually it is unacceptable. I really shouldn't get abuse when I'm carrying out my mum's personal business.

If you don't make a stand she will carry on. She sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder, assuming that there is really no favouritism going on. Assuming therés no favouritism, then all you can do with someone with a chip on their shoulder is let them get on with it.

It's hard to loose family but it's a lot better than being on the receiving end of hate-mail.

It sounds as though you are closer to your mum than they are (possibly live nearer) and that could mean there is some grounding for her feelings about favouritism. It also sounds as though you don't like them at all, and that she's right about that too.
Does the favouritism extend to their children; has your mum favoured one of their children over another?
Perhaps from their point of view, they can't find a way of relating to you or your mum. It is hard to take orders from a sibling who hates/dislikes you.

Helping is difficult, as you are organising so many of the details that you cannot see that they have unresolved issues which to them are more important and colour every interaction they have with you and your mum.

She sounds incredibly childish. I would just disengage as much as possible and perhaps only email your brother in future and not copy her in.

I don't know [head in hands emoticon]. I can't get inside anyone's else's head but there does seem to be a huge amount of resentment.

If someone tore my head off when I was enquiring about a gift to their child, that relationship would likely come to an end.

You've been repeatedly let down in any case.

I think it's time to make a stand, Deck. Otherwise SIL will think she can tear into you any time she has a tough day (or whatever the excuse was)

Thank you trackrBird.

I feel I've had enough of being everyone's punchbag when I'm doing what I can to make the best of it. Obviously not everyone sees it that way.

I've had my own problems with my mum but these last couple of years have changed all that. It can be a very peaceful and positive experience, even just quietly sitting with her and helping her eat her dinner in her care home.

I suggested they bring her grandson in to share some cake with her on his birthday - I'm sure they'd both love that. Maybe it will happen, maybe not.

Apologies are nothing. Mere noise.