It's so fucking unfair

[pieceofpurplesky]

H walked out a year ago, nobody involves he just felt I had not had enough time for him (dealing with a miscarriage and a very ill dad). He felt there was more to life and treated me and DS appallingly - telling lies to mutual friends so they sided with him etc. never had DS over night.
DS has taken this so badly and attempted suicide (he is 11) and is now under camhs etc.
h has been no help - just continued to blame etc. sadly I still love him or rather love the man he was and mourn the life we had planned and mapped out. I know he has behaved abysmally and has broken both me and DS.
He sent a text last night out of courtesy to say he has met someone. It's not serious yet but he wanted me to hear from him - I know it's just another way if him emotionally abusing me (night before returning to school for DS means panic attacks and self harm attempts).
Why is life so unfair? How does he get to break my heart, break our son in to pieces yet now be shiny happy and able to move on.

Know exactly how you feel OP. It's always like this for the one that walks out, they just abdicate responsibility, move on and you are left to pick up the pieces. I have had the exact same experience so I know first hand. So sorry to hear about your son, I hope CAMHS can help.

Don't tell your son his father has a girlfriend. He doesn't need to know right now.

I am just so sad today - mourning all over again. I should hate him but I can't

Sorry I don't have any answers but I've been through similar with my son (in his case due to his dad dying.) Things will get better, keep a lot of communication open with CAMHS. I found it useful to have a couple of sessions where we both saw his counsellor, for when there were things he wanted to tell me but needed support to do so. Other times I used to go in for the last 5 minutes or so of the session so if there were things I needed to prompt him to do (e.g. keep a daily mood log) that I knew about them.

I do think if at all possible you should get some support for yourself, either through friends and family who know the full story, or your own counsellor. It's very hard to support a child with mental health issues when you're on your own and still mourning for your own relationship.

It is unfair however . . .

. . it's impossible to be as much of a XXXX as your EH has been and still be truly happy. He might appear to be happy and to have moved on, but his behaviour shows that he is immature, shallow and irresponsible. People can never truly be happy when they behave in such a manner. He will not have true inner happiness until he grows up.

Try to remember that even though it might appear that his life is wonderful on the outside, on the inside it won't be.

I agree that you need to get some help. There is a thread here on the relationships forum called 'Hobbit's Bar'. It's full of women who are divorcing and they will be able to give you loads of advice and be a sounding board.

Thank you cow I needed to hear that

I know the feeling. H left me 8 months ago. I was struggling to take the battery out of our car tonight as DS had left the car light on and flattened it. The bolts were just too tight and I wasn't strong enough. And I just lost it, I shouldn't have to be doing this, I shouldn't have to be managing 2 DCs by myself when he can just walk out and start a new life.

I am detaching but refuse not to be normal towards him. But I have to text him as he doesn't seem to answer my calls but texts back pretty quick. He's just being so selfish and entitled, I realise now he wasn't a great husband, or dad, but I still love him and it hurts.

Sorry for the rant, but I agree it is just so unfair.

Woof it's so hard isn't it. Mine had a right go at me tonight as he found out I have had to buy a new car. Really nasty and he has no clue I have had to sell my wedding ring to get the deposit ...
He is selfish and entitled and a rubbish dad ang husband too.
But like you I still love him

I think it is best if you protect your son from his dad or at least talk to his counselor about his dad's new girlfriend. Your son is in a vulnerable position right now and may not be able to handle new change at the moment

DS knows nothing. He thinks dad is a
Dick but still loves him. I am
Starting to hate H which
Must be a good thing!

I think you love the man he used to be, or could be, not the man he actually is.

It may seem unfair, but believe me that shiny new life he has waltzed off into - it ain't all fabulous and rosy. He has just taken his issues and shit to a different postcode. Your ex sounds awful and one day you will be very very glad you no longer are with him. It is awful seeing a child suffer I know.I am sorry things are so tough - being the parent left behind is so tough. But it will get better.

He treated you and your son terribly, your son has since attempted suicide, he is toxic and you are well rid, you may still love him in some romantic way but can't possibly want that kind of human being in your child's life, he's damaged him already.

Time to realise how lucky you are, not him, at least you are not evil.

Cherry is right. I love the man he used to be and mourn the future we planned. He was a lovely man but divorced when I met him and according to him his ex was a cruel evil witch that made him unhappy! I now realise of course that was just part of his game plan - as he has said exactly the same as me.
DS has contact Saturday day, no overnights etc

Purple you are right that it is fucking unfair. As Scrambled said, we are the ones who have to do the day-to-day mundane stuff whilst the XHs often become far more invested in doing fun things with their DC(S) than they ever were before .

If it's any consolation, I'm four years down the line, and DD (aged 16) has recently realised what an utter tw@t her father is, and wants nothing more to do with him. This is despite my trying to speak well of him to her, and encouraging her to maintain a close relationship with him. A few months ago he did something unspeakably awful and manipulative to try to get at me through her, and she called his bluff. You have to trust that an appointment with karma will eventually arrive for him

It is unfair. So sorry your son is struggling so much. And you as well, of course.

My stbx has been engaged twice, moved twice, and is now pushing the divorce so he can marry his current fiance, so he can go live abroad with her and her 2 boys (the same age roughly as our younger ds). In the meantime, he doesn't pay maintenance, and has seen our dcs a total of 5 times in over a year despite most of the time living within 10 minutes of us. We've not even been separated 2 years yet.

In the meantime, I am raising two dcs, one disabled and one with SNs, and dealing with everything myself.

I see him desperately trying to get into a serious relationship though over and over, and I know he's not ever really going to be happy. And I am content with what I have. So I take heart from that.

Thank you all. You have made me feel normal!
I just want my DS to be happy again