MIL conversation about my parents

[Allwayslookingforanswers]

This seems very petty and I have no idea why this has upset me but I wanted to canvas some views on here, I can't get this out of my mind.

I saw my MIL at the weekend for a family event, its the first time I have seen her in person since last year as we live in seperate countries however we are in regular contact and I would say that we get on.

The conversation turned to my Mum, who is ill and having treatment, in the conversation I said that I was very upset that my Step father hadn't supported her or looked after her during this treatment recently, that whilst he isn't a well man either he really could have and should have done an awful lot more. I live a long way from my Mum and visited when I could during her treatment. I feel bad that I couldn't do more.

My Mil made all the right noises but then asked about my Dad and said how he must be very worried, which would be fine but for the fact that my parents had a very acrimonious divorce 30 years ago, they have nothing to do each other, they would say hello if seeing each other in the nearby town but thats it. My sisters wedding twelve years ago was the first time that I had been in the same room as them both since childhood. My wedding was the second time a few years ago, then my DC's christening. I only told my father about my Mum's illness as he is very likely to say the wrong thing should they happen bump into each other.

I got quite emotional and said again to her that my parents are not friends, that they don't see each other, the break up wasn't friendly but she seems to not want to beleive me, I had just been pouring my heart out about my Mum, we had both been drinking wine during the meal but not drunk. She was like this once before when I said that my Dad was on his own at Christmas. I thought she had understood the situation then.

When we first were getting to know each other she asked quite a lot about my parents breakup, I tried to give her a quick factual understanding of the sequence of events, which doesn't paint either of my parents in a good light.

I just don't get it, does she think that I am being a drama queen saying they don't have anything to do with each other? I think I am so upset and a bit angry that she is minimising the breakup (again!) which had an enormous impact on me and my sibling. Also I am emotional because my dear Mum is ill.

This is strange.

Surely if she knows your mother is married to another man she is not going to say her ex from years ago must be worried about it?

Do you think she meant your step father

I'm in a very similar situation to you. My parents have only been in the same room once sinse I was 7 years old. Very delicate and upsetting. However, my MIL occasionally does things like this, because in her mind things happen to 'mums and dads'. She doesn't mean to be insensitive, it's just not always the first thing she remembers when talking about my family.
Cut your MIL some slack, she sounds like she's trying to be supportive.

Is English her first language? (you said you live in different countries) Is it possible she doesn't understand the distinction between step-dad and dad?

Perhaps she just doesn't know anybody who's ever divorced, as unusual as that may be? and has no idea how these things usually go?

Quitelikely I am glad that its not just me that finds this strange, she definately meant my Dad, the man my Mum left 30 years ago to be with her OM, my now Step Father.

I really don't get it and wish I wasn't upset about it tbh. On Saturday I found myself explaining again that they don't see or like each other, the last time that they were in the same room was my DD Christening two years ago.

English is her first language, she does know divorced people, including her own DIL and Niece, she is aged late sixties.

I will cut her some slack but it seemed such an odd way to veer the conversation when I was pouring my heart out about my very ill Mum, how is that being sympathetic to me? She just doesn't seem to want to believe me, saying how friendly they were when she met them.

I decided the last time that she asked me a lot about my parents breakup that I would to try to change the subject but this caught me really off guard and I got a bit emotional.

I don't know how to address this in the future and really, really don't want to fall out with her about this.

Do you think she meant it as he would be worried about the effect on you? My parents divorced (not on unfriendly terms now as in they would speak to each other if necessary but it was horrendous at the time) and DM is remarried but I know that she worried about him and my siblings when his BIL died because of concerns about who would help my aunt out because she was recovering from surgery.

DF has also been in contact with me about being worried about DM when my brother was diagnosed with GIST, so even though they are indifferent towards each other in general, the circumstances at the time meant that they put their differences aside for a short period out of concern for their DC.

It does seem rather odd. I think the only way you can try to deal with it is a) recognise that she didn't say it to hurt or upset you, and b) chalk it up to "she's very old fashioned (and perhaps a bit forgetful) and doesn't really get it".

I would had made sure the divorce is none of her business.

I suspect that they are the type that has low emotional intelligence.

My PIL do not listen to a word I say. I can be pouring my heart out to them, and ten minutes later, they will ask me about the very issue I've just discussed in a way that makes it clear that they didn't listen to any of it. You can explain the same thing to them in four different ways, but they just do not get it. They are not really capable of empathy - their hearts are in the right place, but they simply cannot imagine what it is like to stand in someone else's shoes. They do not talk about emotional stuff at all, ever, and they look at you with a kind of bovine astonishment if you approach subjects that involve feelings.

I suspect your MIL is the same: well-meaning, but emotionally clueless and unable to remember anything about anyone else's life because they can't imagine a world outside their own.

thanks everyone, shovetheholly may have nailed it, I think she has decided how things are and can't/won't imagine anything else.

I won't engage in deep and meaningful chats with her in the future....

shovetheholly you worded that really well; it resonated with me a lot regarding my own in-laws. Frustrates the fuck out of me, but really I pity how shallow they are.

I agree with pocket and shovetheholly

Maybe she assumes as your Mum left your Dad, he might still love her? I don't know. MIL is horrifically intensive so I do feel your pain.

although actually my friends mom died and her ex husband was upset about it even though he had remarried (his sons ex wife but thats a whole other thread) he still held a torch for her perhaps your mil assumes the same?

Since it is your MIL, I do wonder if she was really questioning if you will follow your parents' footstep. Some inlaws do judge like that. I would be careful about her since she was asking odd questions.

I find some people who have led very Pollyanna lives can't actually comprehend things like marriage breakdowns, toxic family members, etc etc

It's not what they've experienced so they somehow can't accept it. I think pp was correct with 'low emotional intelligence'.

Very, very irritating.

Really Interesting discussion. My previously Pollyanna life went tits up in all kinds of ways a few years ago and the people I knew seemed to divide into those who could deal with that and those who couldn't.

There are a lovely couple in my family who sound like your ils - so pleasant but conversations are really superficial - holiday destinations, recipes etc. You never get below the surface with them.