Affairs.... why

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I sat with my friend all day yesterday, who suspects that her dh is having an affair. All the classic signs, password now on phone, staying out later than normal, become distant etc etc. My other friend's dh is also having an affair with his secretary. My own dh had an affair a few years back (we are still together but I admit that 100% level of trust is gone). Then today, these posts on MN of dh being caught out having affairs.

And in every single case (including my own) it was unexpectedness of it all, seemingly the happiest of the couples.

Now I know that affairs are not a new thing, many of our parents, even grandparents are divorced because of them, but it just seems that it is happening all the time these days. Why? Are we living in a society that means that we don't try to work on something, just move on to something new, a bit like a throw away society... Is it because of Facebook/Whatsapp/ Twitter all the great technology that puts you easily in contact with people from your past, or so easy to get into a conversation with someone and it can easily be deleted and no-one knows, no-one was seen, overheard etc.

Not a day goes by when I don't hear of a couple getting divorced, he or she having an affair.

Is it the way we live now, have our values changed. What about the vows taken on our wedding day. Of course I am generalizing now, I am not saying that every single person is having affairs, but it seems that more and more are.

I think there have always been many, certainly different kinds back the generations (mostly men who had the freedom to do it. Not so long ago it was considered 'normal' for men to visit brothels etc as part of a marriage).

Truthfully I think it's easier to sustain than it's ever been. Due to electronic communication. but also people are living longer and having to deal with the fact that love dies, well being in love dies, and we are now a culture that rewards and demands an aim of constant happiness that can be attained if we work hard enough, have enough money, make the right choices. So we always feel we can be aiming for something better, whether it be work, house or partner.

It's human nature. We're not wired for monogamy. Sad but true.

I think there are so many variables in life that feelings and circumstances change for some people. My first husband had an affair, actually, I don't blame him, our marriage changed and we grew to become different people and it was right for us to part. In my next relationship, my ex-dp was abusive towards me. This ended with me meeting someone else because it was no longer a healthy relationship for me and I found happiness with someone else. I know someone who had an affair when they stayed together for the children after their marriage was dead. I can understand affairs where it is obvious that things are going wrong (to the people involved) although I can see (especially from MN) that sometimes marriages aren't as happy as they seem to the outside world. I can't understand affairs though when one partner is surprised or when the marriage was genuinely happy.

Unpopular opinion alert
Most people, if guaranteed not to get caught, would cheat. (Not all - but a majority.)

I think there's the same amount going on as there ever has been, it's just the change in communications styles means it's easier to catch them. Previously all a cheater had to worry about was the proverbial lipstick on the collar/smelling of another man's aftershave, but nowadays they've got to guard their phone, their ipad, their email account, their facebook account...

I never thought I would have an affair in million years but my husband had an affair and we decided to split up, and so when the opportunity arose I thought, why not? I'm not sure why I did it; I think I just wanted to feel loved and desired again. Two wrongs don't make a right, I know, but that is what happened.

I feel sad that my marriage has ended this way but I've had to accept that my H and I don't love each other anymore.

If my husband had made more effort to save the marriage, I would not have had the affair.

Not a day goes by when I don't hear of a couple getting divorced, he or she having an affair. wow you must know a lot of people!

As pp said, we are not hard wired for monogamy.... It happens sometimes but it is a social construct for us to be monogamous.
I think that life is so challenging these days it makes it hard to stay close to one partner for a lifetime.

I don't think there's any evidence that more people are having affairs. Certainly more people are divorcing as a result of it - as divorce becomes less of a stigma and frankly as women are able to afford to do it. I would say the other factor is people's willingness to talk about it. Instead of feeling ashamed or somehow to blame, more cheated-upon partners are willing to be open about it.