confused, sad, am I mad?

[milkbar]

I would appreciate some objective perspective from you wise mns.
DH told me 3 months ago he wanted to move out, that he was bored and stressed and felt 'trapped'. For various reasons he has not moved out yet, so we are still living as what would look like a happy family.
DD (5) does not know yet that he is planning to leave me. We went to relate last year for a few months, but it only served so show up the differences in our experience and view of our marriage. I love being a parent, he feels that he is a bad dad (he isn't, he is hands on, he is adored by dd, he is not good at the boundaries and logistics, but few men are!) He finds it hard to accept the limits on his freedon (wtf! he goes out all the time as I stay at home) .. basically although he hasn't said as much, I think he has fallen out of love with me. Having said that, he still wants to go out with me to the cinema, gigs etc.. He has lots of friends, and a very active social life, but I'm pretty certain he is not having an affair.
So I'm confused, because I really don't know where I stand. I don't want him to go, I love him, I don't want to break up our family, DD will be devastated. But although he is friendly to me, he really shows me no love, and this is no way to live. I think he will eventually move out, although financially it will be a big burden on us all.
Am I mad to keep up the facade - to keep pretending and acting as though everything is ok? I suppose deep down I'm hoping he will snap out of it, come to his senses and realise it isn't that bad living with me. Although if the love has gone, should I help set him free? even as my heart breaks...

He sounds horridly selfish.
Send him on his way with a boot up his arse.

If he will return,doing without you is the only way he wil l see sense.

thanks moondog, you are right about him being selfish. But I don't want to be left on my own.

If he has fallen out of love with you then I dont think he's selfish. You can't help who you fall in love with or out of love with. If he stays with you just for the sake of your dd or for finacial reasons it will break him as a person. He will start to recent you.
Ask him openly if he has fallen out of love with you. Make it easy for him to answer honestly by being very rational about it. If he admits that he doesn't, then let him go. I know it will break your heart but it would be the best thing for all of you. You can't live a lie. Prepair yourself for the worst as I can't imagine he'd want to move out if he is still in love with you.
As for him going to gig..etc with you, well im sure he still loves you very much as more than just a friend but less than a lover if you see what im saying. You are still his family and the role you will play in his life if he does leave with be much more than just friends. You will still be family and love each other. Just because he isnt in love with you anymore doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy your company. Try and keep strong, and remember the way your feeling right now will get better, it wont last forever. Try and stay positive.

totally agree with moondog, might be acase of the grass is greener and all that. if your assertive and send him packing you can hope that he misses you and realises what hes lost and comes back

but would you want to be in a relationship knowing your dh does not want to be in it for the rest of your life? you cant spend the rest of your life questioning, you will only be unhappy. it may be hard at first but you will probably have a big burden lifted off your shoulder.

thannks for your replies. I agree Biglilbu that he can't help it if he has fallen out of love. I agree that I need to be assertive about this. I don't want to, but I think you all have confirmed that I need to try and get things moving.
Practically I'm dreading the assertive boot up the arse - the fall out will be horrible. Do you think I could find a stroppy mnetter to do it for me while I hide somewhere else?

we'll all be here for support and a shoulder to cry on!

thanks pretty mum

Hmmm. I think this sounds a little bit more complicated, though. He still enjoys your company and wants to go out with you? He doesn't feel so stressed and trapped that he has moved out?

I think he is having 'growing up' crisis of come sort. I think lots of people find that love in a family context, when responsibility takes up more time tham passion, and duties and obligations (even nice ones like childcare) take more time than spotaneous social activities, is harder to come to terms with, or recognise, than they thought.

At the moment, he is living his nostalgic fantasy of his wild and crazy pre-fatherhood days - with all the comfort and cosiness of family life and being a dad thrown in. It may be that assertively making him live the family life he has chosen will wake him up hsarpish - or that telling that if he wants his carefrree life, he must go off and do it. and Boot him out. But make sure he still gives you suport financially and some childcare. It may well be that by doing that you speed up his growing up!

Blu, the 'growing up' crisis seems to resonate. I tried to assertively make him live the family life he chose, but that was one of the things that made him so unhappy in the first place. Apparently I was too controlling. So I gave up being controlling and expecting him to live the life that I wanted us to lead. And in doing so accepted that we both must make compromises. After all what is a marriage if it isn't about compromise. Unfortunatly it feels like I'm the only one who has really made much of a compromise - and it still isn't enough for him. My own mother told me I should lower my expectations of Husbands and Fathers. But she is from a different generation, and why the hell shouldn't we expect them to participate more in family/domestic life? Having said that, nagging them into it just makes them resentful.