Talk me into seeing this clearly - ex angst

[LL0015]

Stbxh left Aug 13 but children (now 7 and 4) didn't meet OW for 11 months at my insistence and it caused a lot of strife - he wanted them to meet her at week 4, but the affair was a bolt from the blue and at the time I felt I did the right thing by the children. We haven't seen eye to eye since.

He has them EOW at hers. Fri 5.30 to Sun 6pm

Most weekends on return, my DD 7 cries at bedtime, I'm sad mummy is about the most I get out of her. She settles after two days.
My DS 4 has been in trouble at school for swearing which he has directly picked up from OW.

Most of the time I am pretty strong and let it wash.

But this weekend he has really got to me.

Ex and OW had some sort of blazing row in the car during which she said let me out this f'ing car five times. My son has told me he didn't like it, he was scared and he really doesn't like OW swearing.

DD had a swim party Sat am, no time to wash her (very long) hair after for the lunch part of the party. Ex didn't wash her hair until Sunday evening.

DS has exczma, and ex didn't put his cream on him over the weekend (I provide every time).

DS didn't brush his teeth all weekend.

They had chicken for tea on Sunday. Just chicken, DS says nuggets, DD says plain chicken. But that's was all and they both had to be fed again before bed because they were starving. This keeps happening.

He returns all the clothes unwashed (and swim stuff) (she has swimming tomorrow so thanks a bunch) because they didn't have time. DC tell me they went to the pub all day until past bedtime.

Previous rows which I have successfully negotiated is stopping OW smoking in her house when our children are present.

Actually, OW is his fiance. She has already taken his surname. That and the swearing about sums her up.

When we were together, ex and I never went to the pub. Not that it matters, but my point is the personality transplant is all his.

How bad is he treating our children? How neglectful is he being? I work so hard to keep them clean/tidy/fed/health needs etc. He isn't.

Sorry. I'm sad and this is long.

You can't control it.
There is nothing you can do to change it.
It is not your fault.

That's paraphrasing what holds for people in relationships with others who are addicted to stuff, but it stands well here.

If he's a good enough parent (they are fed, clean, safe and taken to school) there's nothing you can do to make them be treated how you would treat them.

All you can do is say you think it would be better for the children if x, y and z happened. And then stand back, and possibly grit your teeth, but if they're not in danger, then basically they're ok as far as the authorities are concerned.

It's hard, I know. I do know. Sometimes you have to let it be though.

Thanks for responding.
It is hard. He does nothing for them, he won't have them outside of the EOW, he won't help, doesn't enquire over them, call them on their birthdays.

DS was so upset about the swearing thing. He hates hearing it.

Do they look forward to seeing him? Or would they rather not go.

DD often wavers a day or so before. DS is bouncy about seeing him.
DD legs it from his car back to me every single time and then spends two nights readjusting. She finds it harder, but she is older and emotionally mature. I think she hates the piggy in the middle feeling.

But he won't talk to me on a level footing.
We've had a real slanging match again tonight whereas usually I totally blank him.

missing i for the pedants (that'll be me then)
waivers

slanging match on text. Not good for anyone I know.

The DC tell me they had such a row in the car and broke up again.
How can that be healthy. He makes out to me that they are so in love and happy.

I guess he has to hate someone and it's easier to be me.

Sounds as though having the DC for EOW is not making OW feel the lurve. It may not be long before they stop wanting to have the DC. Or she chucks him out!

I think you have to be totally unmoved by this for your DC. They need you to be their stability and to agree that when Daddy and OW have a fight it isn't nice for them to hear but it doesnt mean Daddy doesn't love them very much. And let them talk about how they feel without reacting and telling them what you really think of their DF. They will form their own view as they get older.

This is really hard for you OP but you have the pleasure of your DC most of the time and they will appreciate you for providing them with a home, with a healthy diet and with love

Yes what Top said. All you can do is ask them how they feel when these things happen, and say it is hard, and be there giving them good care. Eventually they will know.

My dc are older (12yo and 10yo) and my ex is a pretty useless father too. No blazing rows in front of dc, but otherwise very similar. I actually kept hold of the dc this weekend (prior to going back to school) despite working - my boyf helped out - because ex can't be relied on to get the dc up/to bed at reasonable times or make sure they wash/brush teeth or get them to leave the flat. I also get a big bag of dirty washing and have had to provide toothbrushes and PJ's for his flat.

I think your goal should be to not bat an eyelid in front of the dc about all this, because:

1. they will sense that it worries you, and that will unsettle them
2. Because it isn't bad enough to warrant social services intervention, it is totally beyond your control.

Eventually, hopefully, you'll be able to cultivate the confidence to do this authentically (this may mean processing the pain of what is going on and being able to talk about how difficult it all is) because it's the wonderful stable, loving, functional, supportive home you provide, which will allow them to grow up securely and form the correct opinion of him. You are doing the right thing and you will reap the rewards of being able to say you brought these wonderful children up all by yourself.

I should add just keep reassuring them that he loves them. That you don't understand why he is having rows in front of them, that he is probably trying hard to do the right thing but that some people aren't great at some things but that he still does love them. All they need from him is to know he is in their lives and that he loves them. You are doing the rest. Beautifully.

Me again: just to say it is vital you have good friends or a counsellor (or both) to vent and to process how ball-breakingly hard, this is, so you can be 'zen' about it all with your dc.

Chicken nuggets and no teeth cleaning/hair washing you just have to ignore (sadly).

Thank you all. I didn't manage that resolve tonight, I cried in front of DC
and I never normally do.
I did tell them I was sad but ok and I will be happy tomorrow.

It's so hard. I do have a counsellor! I will talk to her about this.

Hugs to you, OP.

He is utterly crap on many, many, levels.
You are not.

If your exh when you were together , used to make sure your children had brushed their teeth and washed their hair properly and put their cream on and eaten properly then you can logically question why he's falling short now. My guess would be you did all these things though? So you continue to do so and he, in essence hasn't changed parenting style at all. This is the hard bit of being separated with kids. We expect dads to become responsible because they have to now. Not so. Then we expect their new partner to 'naturally nurture' our kids (being women). We want it because we know the dad is hopeless but we dont want dc liking new partner more than us. It annoys us when we hear of our dc being exposed to discord and rows (but we love the fact they are not getting on really!! Only those in denial refuse to be truthful about that fact) Like everyone else has said you have to let go of what you can't control, hard as it is. The dc are seeing their dad who they love, which is right. Just keep on doing the right thing and deep breaths.