To be surprised that husband is having affair?

[MyLovelyGarden]

If you no longer have any intimacy with your husband (for the last 5 years), no longer communicate (except about domestic issues) and there's a lot you don't like about each other, would you be surprised to find out that he had been having an affair?

Well I'd be more surprised the couple weren't either:

A) divorced already
Or
B) agreed to live together for kids/practical issues but agreed to discreetly see other people
Or
C) Trying to fix the marriage

The one partner having an affair without the other one's knowledge is just making the whole situation worse.

Yes, because I'd assume, or at least hope, that decent people would get out of a relationship they are not happy in. Or at the very least, if they meet someone else they are attracted to enough to want to start seeing them, they would end their marriage first.

There have been times when DS was young that those three conditions could have been used to describe my marriage (not 5 years of no sex but reasonable periods of time!) and I think either of us would have been gobsmacked if we found out the other was having an affair.
Also some people take their marriage vows very seriously and wouldn't consider the fact that things weren't great in the relationship to mean green light on an affair.
Do you feel that the cheated-on spouse is not entitled to be surprised by finding out about this?

Not particularly. A lot of people have affairs as an exit strategy from a crap marriage. Why do you ask, OP?

No. A lot of men seem too lazy for sex and it's quite a shock to realise they're shagging someone else. A lot of men seem too boring to be good conversationalists and it's quite a shock to realise they're talking to someone else. I could go on...

(Based on many friends' experiences over many, many years.)

I had an affair because my husband and I no longer have sex, so no , I wouldn't be surprised.

Just waiting for the children to finish their education before we can get divorced.

I'm not really surprised and I've realised that not all marriages are quite what they might seem on the outside. I think people who are in happy marriages tend to see situations as more black and white (and they're possibly right) but it's not always that easy (especially with children involved).

What is your point OP?

The majority of people do have affairs, so no, this wouldn't surprise me at all, even if the couple in question were having sex twice a day. Many (most, I'd argue) people aren't monogamous by nature.

Careful pocketsaviour, swimming against the established MN tide here :) Although I'm with you, affairs do not have mean the end of the relationship, but in this case, the relationship seems more like room mates than soul
mates...

pocketsaviour
"The majority of people do have affairs"

Really? Do you have anything to back that up?

Probably not. But I would have hoped for the courtesy/decency of saying that he wasn't happy, or working at things before he went & shagged someone else.