Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you NEED to be completely comfortable with your own body to have really good sex?

32 replies

SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 16:15

I have a few things I'd prefer to change about my body, not even in that major a way really, (fairly common I guess?) but I think I do spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about them.

Is it possible to learn to really be able to "let go" and just be happy being naked with your DH/DP, even though you aren't completely comfortable with your body?

Is this actually necessary in order to have a really fulfilling sex life?

Is there anyone who can honestly say that, although they don't like their body, they are completely comfortable being naked and are having amazing sex with their OH (or even with a FB) in spite of their hang-ups?

I feel like I always have part of my mind on my body dislikes during sex, and although it's good, I'm sure it would be better if I wasn't only 80% there during. Sad

OP posts:
ProbablyMe · 19/04/2015 16:18

I can say that! I don't like my body too much - 40, 4 kids, too much food! However, my DP truly worships me Smile and our sex life is brilliant because I trust him and know he isn't looking at me thinking bad things.

Original poster
SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 16:20

But do you think bad things? Or are you 100% comfortable no matter what view he has/bit of you he has hold of? (sorry, can't think of a better way to word it!)

OP posts:
ProbablyMe · 19/04/2015 16:22

I occasionally think bad things briefly it's true, but not often. Knowing what my DP thinks about me makes it easy to ignore those thoughts.

Joysmum · 19/04/2015 16:32

Definitely not! I'm certainly not comfortable with my own body, DH makes it very obvious this is all about us expressing our love, and having a really good time too. You don't need a good body for that thank god as neither of us do!

PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 16:42

Lots I would change about my body, but OH loves me and sex is great - although, to be fair, it's mind blowing sometimes, lazy and comfortable sometimes, quick and basic sometimes.... It's about trust, and intimacy.
Oh, and don't worry about what view he has - he probably likes it. If I thought about that, I probably wouldn't get any sex because I would be giggling so much - NOBODY looks dignifid or prretty doing the deed.....

Original poster
SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 18:49

DH has never said anything other than complimentary things, but... But but but. I still worry. I don't know why. I certainly don't think anything bad about him when we're DTD, or ever really. But I can't get my mind to believe that it's the same for him.

It means I only want to do it when the situation is just right/perfect. Which means we do it less. Which in turn means there's more pressure for everything to be perfect next time (in my head), so we do it less again. Vicious circle.

OP posts:
JaniceJoplin · 19/04/2015 18:58

I think your question is why a lot of people like to have a few drinks before sex. It's about losing inhibitions. I have definitely felt more confident at a thinner stage and if you know you look good, it will make it a bit more relaxed for you at least? Think of all the fuss you make when you meet a new man about shaving and all sorts and not farting etc!

CtrlAltDelicious · 19/04/2015 19:25

Nope. I've never been happy with my body - size 18/20 and lots I want to change. I've also had sex with lots of people. Some shit, some mediocre and a few absolutely brilliantly mind-blowing Grin
With the fab ones, I wasn't thinking about my crap body in the slightest, and the men in question certainly weren't thinking "hmm this is ok but I wish she had smaller thighs."
IMO it comes completely down to chemistry and attraction and acceptance of your own body - it's impossible to have great sex if you're desperately trying to lay an arm over your belly, or similar.

PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 19:38

'DH has never said anything other than complimentary things, but... But but but. I still worry. I don't know why. I certainly don't think anything bad about him when we're DTD, or ever really. But I can't get my mind to believe that it's the same for him.'

Just as well I've had a couple of glasses of wine before I writr this - but....
I asked my husband once if it isn't awful watching bits of me wobbling about, and he says he reallly likes that - his view is he likes wobble, the more the better! I know it doesn't help you relax, Something, but I think more you trust there is, the more you will relax.
Or gin. That helps!

PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 19:39

Write. Sorry

Original poster
SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 19:42

Ha, yes gin does help!

Can do without the hangovers though
Envy

OP posts:
PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 19:46

How long have you been together, Something? Is it a fairly new thing, or have you been together for a while?

ChaiseLounger · 19/04/2015 19:47

I never thought about it. Although I am not that comfortable with my body, with Dh and one of my previous sexual partners, they were so into me, that I never gave my body hang ups a thought.

Original poster
SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 19:54

10 years Puella. I really should be over this by now Sad

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 19/04/2015 19:58

I have a horrible body - big belly, short legs and I have PCOS so am randomly hairy. I have a great sex life though.
I used to really struggle, I felt so awful I couldn't relax so sex wasn't great but DH knew when my mind was going to bad places and used to say lovely things. It's a.ll about your mindset. Logically, my body has a lot of flaws and a lot of men wouldn't find me attractive, BUT DH is a lovely man. If he didn't want me, he wouldn't be here. He likes what he sees and treats me as though I am beautiful. That makes all the difference.
Oh and when I keep thinking rubbish thoughts, I take a bit more time gettin ready, nice underwear etc and it just seems to make me feel better.

HappinessHappening · 19/04/2015 20:01

I am pretty much as far from happy with my body as it is possible to be (for many reasons) but I still have amazing sex with my DH

For me the key to it is to switch off the thinking part of my brain and just enjoy what is happening, so lots of kissing to start with really helps and I focus on how his body feels, how good whatever we are doing feels and how much I love him. Once I'm into the swing of things, so to speak, I don't even think about how I look- it's all about what feels good

PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 20:05

Well, you probably trust him after ten years! It's so easy to say 'just relax' isn't it? If only it were that easy!

PuellaEstCornelia · 19/04/2015 20:08

Good point Happiness - maybe Something you should try stopping thinking? Don't mean that in a sarcastic way, but maybe ehen the thoughts start try conciously to put them out your head?

Original poster
SomethingToTalkAbout · 19/04/2015 21:08

Once I get into it, it's less of an issue. Problem is I don't get the chance to get into it very often because I don't let it start because I'm too worried about it.

OP posts:
Cluesue · 19/04/2015 21:16

If you're still together after 10 years he obviously loves you and your body,maybe have him to give you a lovely body massage beforehand to relax you

Joysmum · 19/04/2015 21:20

Can I suggest that the next time you DTD you make it your mission to focus only on your DH to see how he's reacting. Sex is better when you do that anyway because by watch him, you can really hone in on what he likes best and improve your technique as well as getting a huge amount of pleasure from seeing him enjoying himself. Wink

Chchchchanging · 19/04/2015 21:23

Last summer I lost about a stone making me look lean and fit, we honestly had frequent good sex, I was proud and it made me feel better
Currently 16 weeks of feeling hefty and don't want him anywhere near me
He doesn't mind any way but I certainly do
I just feel like a humping hefalump Hmm

HappenstanceMarmite · 19/04/2015 21:25

I struggle with this. Not so much in the throes, but leading up to I suppose. Would be interesting to hear thoughts from the other side - how do other halves feel about being with a less-than-perfect body?

imperfectbody · 19/04/2015 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniTheMinx · 19/04/2015 21:36

I don't think sex is meant to be very dignified and I don't think there is a law that states one must do it in the nude with the lights on. Do whatever suits you OP.

I am fairly happy with my bod, I quite like mirrors, TMI ! I also read somewhere about the perspective women have on themselves. Men have one perspective, women two. Women always experience themselves in the first person (as do men) but also they are prone to experiencing themselves as object. We are so objectified that we have literally started to objectify ourselves. We check the way we walk, talk, sit, move, look, speak to such a degree that we constantly have this sort of outsider perspective on ourselves. I think women believe they have to look fabulous for anyone to want sex with them and therefore spend a lot of time thinking about the shape of their legs in certain positions, or whether another position might make their bottom look more pert or whatever. I know I have at times and yes its a bloody nuisance!

Swipe left for the next trending thread