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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can i/we make this work, or just let go?

19 replies

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 15:19

Basically things have become difficult and uncomfortable at home with H. It seems to have stemmed and maybe just become worse and worse until now we are both really noticing it.

He can and is caring and loving and good with DC but he is also very moody, sulky etc, I believe down to smoking cannabis but he doesn't thing this. This is the side that really wears me down and the not knowing the moods etc has me a little bit on eggshells a lot of the time. He doesn't shout or anything but silence is a soul destroyer.

Also I am the bread winner so everything down to the last bill, shopping etc is down to me, even during a very tough time of losing my career I thought I would retire in he did not step up and try to take the pressure off.

We have spoken about separating but that as well scares me, I am so scared we will break our C heart, but right now there are times in the house H and I are so miserable. He also says it would break his heart to split, where as I just feel scared of the change but a little excited about just living the way I want to, that leaves me with a guilt and feeling selfish.

Counselling in our area is not an option, so was wondering if there is anything or just set ourselves free?

OP posts:

tribpot · 19/04/2015 15:30

Why are the bills and the shopping down to you just because you're the breadwinner? Normally it works the other way, i.e. the breadwinner earns the dosh and the house manager runs the budget and day-to-day spending. Or do you mean you have full responsibility for funding the family? That is quite normal for many of us (albeit can be a lot of pressure). Why isn't he working, particularly why didn't he step in when you were struggling?

He says it would break his heart to split but doesn't accept that the current situation has to change in any way. So presumably it would break his heart less to split than to change.

I think your heart is telling you what you want. You relish being free of the atmosphere and the moods. Whilst you may think it isn't affecting the children, I would be very surprised if they were unaware, even if it isn't directed at them.

Can you afford a trial separation?

Peacocklady · 19/04/2015 15:39

I would tell him you are beginning to resent him, earning the money while he smokes himself numb and that it needs to change.
Give him a short timescale to stop smoking weed, get to the dr for his depression and get a job. If he doesn't then you're leaving.
He will continue to take the piss if you let him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 15:46

There is nothing here to rescue and or save, set yourself free from this existence of misery with him.

Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships, this not fit for purpose role model of one?. What do you think they are learning about relationships here from the two of you.

Being on your own is better than being so badly accompanied with someone who uses you like you have been used (and abused). Your children will also thank you, they are all too aware of the inherent unhappiness and his cannabis dependency.

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 15:50

he is also very moody, sulky etc, I believe down to smoking cannabis but he doesn't thing this.

So either
a) He's smoking too much weed and it's giving him mood swings, but he won't stop, or,
b) he's just naturally a miserable sulky fucker.

Neither of those two sound like someone you would want to be around.

That goes for your kids as well as yourself. What do you think they're learning about relationships? That it's okay for one person to be sulky, snappy and miserable and everyone else has to tiptoe around them?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 15:56

I am the bread winner, and run the house, pay all bills etc from my sole bank account, any money he does have is generally his but will and has been this year contributing.

I have asked him previously to stop or cut back cannabis, he doesn't want to.

I'm just scared out child will suffer the most if we do spilt.

OP posts:

tribpot · 19/04/2015 15:59

I am the bread winner, and run the house, pay all bills etc from my sole bank account

Why do you do this? What would happen if he managed the house?

Why isn't he working?

Peacocklady · 19/04/2015 16:01

How old is your child?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 16:06

"I'm just scared out child will suffer the most if we do spilt"

Why do you think that?. Genuine question. You cannot just stay for his/her sake and doing that is a terrible burden to put on a child too. Children benefit from having two parents apart and happier than being together and miserable. They see all this and perhaps erroneously even blame themselves for their parents marital problems.

Your child will suffer infinitely more if you remain within such a toxic and destructive atmosphere. You are together and currently miserable as such, better to be apart and to be happier.

LineRunner · 19/04/2015 16:15

Cat, deep down I think that you know your child will suffer most if you stay together.

What is it - do you think you can't do any better, or something? Sod that. Be on your own, find your mettle, get rid of this human rut. And you WILL find a better life for you and your child.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 16:31

I think she will suffer as he keeps saying these things to me, I'm such a worrier it is unreal.

This last while I have lost weight and in honesty look terrible, I feel I'm ageing at a huge speed with the stress and worry!

He chooses not to work as it has become habit, I was in a well paid job, I'm not now but nothing has changed.

OP posts:

tribpot · 19/04/2015 16:40

He chooses not to work but isn't running the house either? Why not?

It sounds like he's telling you your child will suffer. But you can see that he has another agenda, which to keep his fully-funded lifestyle where nothing is expected of him.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 17:28

On my laptop now so will try to answer better.

I have always been the worker, he doesn't do working well due to his mood swings, poor excuse but that's the reality.

He does smoke a lot but pays for it himself if he does odd jobs etc.

Our child adores him she is 8, I worry how she will cope, my mum has said its better for her to be upset for a few weeks than for the long term, which in my heart I know is true.

I also worry about him and how he will cope, even though things are bad, I don't want to have him hurt ( im far too soft).

I can feel the freedom sometimes, life would be so much easier than to be clock watched and wondering what im doing all the time.

OP posts:

Peacocklady · 19/04/2015 20:48

Your dd can still adore him when you've split up, it's not like she won't see him anymore.

tribpot · 19/04/2015 21:05

he doesn't do working well due to his mood swings

Mood swings brought on by smoking cannabis by any chance? This doesn't explain why he can't run the house, however.

He does smoke a lot but pays for it himself if he does odd jobs etc.

So when he's not doing odd jobs you pay for it?

I also worry about him and how he will cope

You realise he's a grown adult? He's not some giant child you're stuck looking after forever. My guess is he'll find some other sucker to fund his indolent lifestyle.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 21:10

I don't know why I think that way for her, he has 2 kids from a previous marriage and when they split the relationship with the children just dwindled away to next to nothing.

I wish I could facebook his ex to see what he was like with her as he always told me horror stories all one sided of course!! Im beginning to wonder now.

He is kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde, today/tonight he is extremely nice, yesterday was hostile, silent and moody. I cant keep up. I think the best was forward is to separate, its just doing it, im such a chicken and very anxious person.

OP posts:

Mostlyjustaluker · 19/04/2015 21:11

For minute just think about your child. What kind of relationship and opinion of herself do you want her to have as an adult? Your need to model that for her.

I really can't see any positives in this relationship for you.

Mostlyjustaluker · 19/04/2015 21:12

Crossed post. Living on egg shells will have made you anxious. It will de difficult but you can do it.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 19/04/2015 21:17

Thank you, if I can just get the courage I know i would never go back, I had a cry tonight as I cant believe what I have become and how little I think of myself in order to allow this to continue. I have no real life at all, I rarely socialise, although he wouldn't stop me, the sulks wouldn't be worth it.
I don't feel I can be myself and its like I have lost the love emotion from my body, I can not even imagine ever getting in another relationship again, im not jumping ahead of myself but I find any future hard to imagine after this relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 23/04/2015 21:22

I have decided I really can not make this work, I am absolutely exhausted with living a lie all the time.

Each day now I wait to see what mood will be coming through the door, I just cant do it anymore. My mum is commenting on how terrible I look and is begging me to go to see the doctor, I think it is just the stress of everything!

So what are my next steps, should I leave, should he leave?

OP posts:

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