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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm leaving

16 replies

lotsoftoast · 19/04/2015 13:15

I'm leaving my husband. I have two children under the age of 3. What do I need to do? I don't think he'll accept a divorce for his unreasonable behaviour so will have to go the separation route

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 13:32

You have two young children under 3? He should be leaving NOT you!
Don't leave the marital home without legal advice. Go and see a solicitor or the CAB tomorrow. X

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 19/04/2015 13:37

Sorry I should have said - I'm asking him to leave. Baby #2 is under 2 months old so no danger I'm going anywhere

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 13:53

Phew! Glad you hear he's leaving not you. Do you think he will move out if you ask him? Why do you want him to leave?

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 19/04/2015 14:08

History of emotional abuse. Last night he lost the plot swearing and roaring at me in front of the kids over something so ridiculous it would be funny if it wasn't so awful. House is in his name, I don't think he will go but we have a spare room so one of us can go in there (ie him) till he sorts something else out

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 14:15

How long has the emotional abuse been going on? Having two children under three is hard work and would put a strain on anybody's marriage.

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 19/04/2015 14:34

Since baby #1 was born really, with flashes of it before probably. We've been together 7 years

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 14:48

I remember well the strain of having two young children under 3, my husband and I used to argue all the time! Why do you say he's emotionally abusing you?

How are you in yourself? Do you feel depressed or do you feel like you're not coping?

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 19/04/2015 14:51

I'm fine - having the two of them has been pretty straightforward so far

He shouts and swears at me in front of the kids, calls me names, won't take me to visit my family but won't let me visit on public transport....I did have another thread a while back when he lost the plot on me for using the wrong type of bin bag. He blames me for his behaviour because I wind him up apparently

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 14:56

Hmm, he does sound a bit controlling! If you really think the marriage is over you need to get legal advice. Do you have support from friends or family?

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 17:08

Oh, is this the guy who is very OCD about recycling?

I'd suggest speaking to CAB and a solicitor tomorrow, make several appts with local solicitors for a free first half-hour consultation. Make sure they understand about emotional abuse and have experience of dealing with it.

I don't think he'll accept a divorce for his unreasonable behaviour

My understanding is that he can contest it if he wants, but it's likely to still be granted anyway. I think the judge's viewpoint is if it's got as far as the divorce court then the marriage is over, so just grant it.

It really doesn't even matter what the divorce is about - the reason doesn't go on the paperwork and the settlement isn't apportioned according to "blame" as it used to be.

It might also be helpful for you to contact Womens Aid if you think he may be difficult about leaving.

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 20/04/2015 05:13

Urgh. I told him I want to seperate - he's refusing to do that. Says divorce isn't an option, I'm not taking the kids and he would want full custody of them if i did try to go. That he wont let me leave and I will be destroying the kids if I did. He threw in a thinly veiled suicide threat too. So he wants to work things out - I don't really, I've had enough. He's got me too scared to try and go though, he is going to make my life hell

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/04/2015 05:22

Of course he is - this guy isn't "a bit controlling" he's a full blown abuser. Keeps you isolated from your family, threatens you, frightens you.

I think if I were you, I'd probably back off, play nice, and then call Women's Aid when you have some privacy. Also, call your Mum/family if you're in contact and ask for help.

He won't get full custody. Of course he bloody won't. They all say that, but it's utter crap.

petalsandstars · 20/04/2015 05:54

Next time he's out /at work call women's aid and maybe also 101 and ask to speak to the domestic violence team for advice. Emotional abuse still counts as dv now.

JeanSeberg · 20/04/2015 05:59

Take care lots. It's likely things will get worse now he knows your plans. Can you go and stay with someone (parents?) while you get legal advice?

Whocansay · 20/04/2015 07:17

You say the house is in his name? Is it rented or bought?

If it's rented, just leave with your children. And see a lawyer today.

Original poster
lotsoftoast · 20/04/2015 07:24

He bought it 3 years ago.

We've had tears etc this morning already. I feel utterly lost. He's got me doubting myself but that's his goal isn't it....? Fuck.

OP posts:
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