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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP seeming distant.. Don't know what to do about it

23 replies

excitedbutscared · 19/04/2015 08:54

My DP, who I have been with for about a year and a couple of months, has been really distant lately

We don't live together so it is hard to actually see how he is in himself during the week.

His texts have been getting fewer and his calls shorter, and not really happy. Also, the physical and emotional connection when we are together seems a little strained

I'm not a very good talker myself, and don't want to seem as if I am attacking him about it and if he is 'going off me' I don't want to push him even further away by being needy.

Should I talk to him about it? Or leave it be for a certain amount of time and see what happens and perhaps pull back and give him space (I'd find that really hard!)

OP posts:

CtrlAltDelicious · 19/04/2015 08:57

I firmly believe that when your spidey senses tell you something's not right, it ain't right. Like you, I'm a crap communicator in these situations - Intend to let things fester. The obvious advice is to sit him down and say "I feel like something's changed between us - is everything ok?" or similar. But I'd struggle to do that in real life.

IfMaybeBut · 19/04/2015 08:59

I think the experience of being in limbo wondering what's up is horrible. How long has it been like this? If a month then do something.

He's either under stress elsewhere or not sure about the relationship.

If you ask him if has things on his mind and is ok he might tell you about the other issues (if any). He may be evasive if it's relationship because he's weighing up his options and not wanting to risk the relationship until he is sure.

What matters to you is how it affects you. Tell him that.

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 19/04/2015 11:48

Perhaps I should start the conversation with something that isn't saying I think something is wrong.. More along the lines of "do I still make you happy?" - then I can say it's important to me that we do make each other happy and that I want to make sure we're on the same page.

Oh I don't know - don't know what I'm afraid of really - I get so nervous talking about things but feel I need to so it doesn't fester and then all come out the wrong way (which is what normally happens) :-(

OP posts:

FloraWebb · 19/04/2015 12:31

My XDP was like this, but I just kept the relationship ticking along. He didn't want me, but was too much of a coward to tell me. When he eventually found a replacement for me he just disappeared out of my life without a word.

So my advice would be for you to say: 'This relationship doesn't seem to be working; lets end it now'. If he doesn't totally convince you that his coolness is caused by another issue, end it there and then, because otherwise he will dumpyou when it suits him and you'll feel even more hurt. Its tough.

ToYouToMe · 19/04/2015 14:31

It's a big jump Flora from he's been really distant lately to the OP saying This relationship doesn't seem to be working.

If DP has other things going on (work? health?) he may think the OP is unhappy with the relationship.

It's hard to give advice because there's a lot we don't know: why don't you see each other during the week? do you have plans to live together? etc

Why not sit down over a beer/glass of wine and discuss openly where you are and where you're going as a couple? You'll soon know if it's you, the relationship or something else.

Quitelikely · 19/04/2015 14:33

You need to talk to him about it. That's the only way you're going to get answers.

NickiFury · 19/04/2015 14:35

I think Flora is spot on actually. I've had a fair few relationships. Without a single exception when I detected they were losing interest they were, without a word being said. You can always tell, always. Get in first is my motto. You can always say "look you seem very distant and not that into this at the moment so let's leave it for a while". You'll soon know from his reaction to that whether it's other issues outside of the relationship that are causing the distance.

MiniTheMinx · 19/04/2015 14:41

You have posted quite a lot about this relationship. Is it working for you?

FadedRed123 · 19/04/2015 15:03

It might be your relationship, but it might not. Some people find it difficult to share worries, without generalising, men are less likely to 'share' than women, IMO. He may not realise you are picking up on his mood. Maybe he is not wantin 'to spoil' the short time you have together. I feel you need to broach the subject without assumptions and see what happens. "You've seemed a bit sad/preoccupied/worried/down recently, is there a problem? Perhaps you would find it would help to talk about to me?"
Hope it works out ok for you.

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 20/04/2015 00:02

Thank you everyone. I tried to start a conversation about it, but the words just wouldn't come out, so I didnt.

I think I might be afraid of the answer, which is a bit sad and if Flora is right, I will probably end up getting hurt, not to mention the time I am wasting

I want to stay positive though - so AM going to have the conversation some time soon. I have nothing to lose I guess

OP posts:

knittingdad · 20/04/2015 17:28

I have been through this with my wife, as work has kept us apart a lot recently. It feels as though whenever something major about a relationship changes - moving in, getting married, working at different ends of the country - it becomes necessary to recreate how the relationship works.

BoredAdminGirl · 21/04/2015 15:29

Give examples of how he is being distant?

Sometimes when the "honeymoon" period is over, things do sizzle down a little but the most insecure of us feel it the most and read too much into it

BoredAdminGirl · 21/04/2015 15:35

I can see that you have posted a lot about your partner, even right at the start. You appear to me to be very needy, worrying why he doesn't text you so much in the evenings etc.

Maybe he is feeling suffocated

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 21/04/2015 18:15

Bored Examples, just need talking to me much when we're together, the conversation feels a bit forced - and the physical side is no where near as often or intense or long and the text communication during the day is less frequent, phone calls before bed shorter etc. I suppose that could all be normal and no-one is upbeat all of the time

Yes, I have. I just felt so lucky to have met him. He's fabulous and perhaps my own self-esteem hasn't been very high over the past few years, probably due to my first DH cheating on me for a very long time and second DH became abusive.

I work for myself, on my own most days - so I suppose I don't have much interaction with others to make me feel good either - and way to much alone time which turns into thinking time! You end up not actually knowing what is or isn't 'normal' anymore, which is one of the reasons I have posted quite a lot on here. It does help talking about it and hearing lots of different views.

I'm not sure he's feeling suffocated. I have really tried my best not to let on how I've been feeling, not appear needy etc. It's probably taken it's toll on my and my natural personality though so desperately trying to find a way of relaxing a bit!

OP posts:

ovenisdrivingmecrazy · 21/04/2015 19:15

If it's bothering you and making you insecure/unhappy you should speak to him. You deserve better than treading on eggshells in your relationship. Most likely he'll be able to reassure you and it will be stress at work or similar but it's best to know. The festering and worrying will only drive you crazy.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 21/04/2015 19:29

Although you say you have tried to hide how need etc you feel, I strongly suspect that he wil have grasped that. Especially if you work alone and don't have anyone to share with.

What you are describing... About less conversation before bedtime, a bit awkward talking, less good sex etc. can either be a little blip or the death knoll.

I wouldn't "get in there first", because quite honestly you sounds very lonely. If this is just a blip, do you want to take the chance to end it.

Have a chat with him.

Justusemyname · 21/04/2015 19:33

I think he might have someone else.

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 21/04/2015 22:14

Hi Just - bit harsh! As you can probably tell, that is actually my worst fear. And truthfully, I don't actually think he has

Does everyone else actually think that could be the case?

OP posts:

Glittergirl123 · 21/04/2015 22:35

Just because someone is acting distant does not automatically mean he's cheating or found someone else. It could be that he's finding the relationship has run it's course? Maybe the 'honeymoon' period has ended or something else like family issues, work or money issues. But you need to know, you can't sit in limbo. As suggested you need to talk to him and ask why he's distant , and if he's thinking of ending the relationship you deserve to know.

HellKitty · 22/04/2015 05:31

Are you going to talk to him? And don't 'get in first' it might be stress or work or maybe even your paranoia?

JeanSeberg · 22/04/2015 06:04

I would focus on yourself - keep busy, concentrate on feeling less lonely, make new friends, join clubs, take up new hobbies. In general improve the things in your life that you want to change, leaving a man out of that part.

Be a bit unavailable to this guy. Let him do the running (or not). You'll soon find out whether he wants to be in this relationship but either way, you'll be too busy to care.

Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 10:07

Harsh? It was my initial thought when reading your OP. I can't help it if what you write initiates that response. You won't get people on here telling you it's okay Hun, he's so focussed on planning a romantic means he is ignoring you, etc, etc etc as he cant do everything at once as he's a por little man. You'll get the truth and 99.9% of the time the OP needed and missed it.

BoredAdminGirl · 22/04/2015 10:13

You sound like I used to be with my DP at the beginning. I was going through similar. Turns out she wasn't having second thoughts. Just had her own little worries going on and in fact, she used to get pissed off that I would assume every bad mood or quiet day was because of me

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