How to deal with resentment?

[shitebag]

DH was diagnosed with depression 5 months ago which he put down to living 250 miles away from his family/friends and decided that he had to move back to them leaving behind myself and his children, this was almost 2 months ago.

A week in he called to say he'd started counselling and realised that he had to get better and come back to us so I agreed that I was happy to stick by him and take care of things here whilst he recovered. He's been up to visit once and will be up again next week and phones regularly to speak about how things are.

These past few days though I have become more aware of the fact that he's able to go away for respite, can come and go to family/friends as he pleases and doesn't really have to do anything for himself or anyone else there as he's in his Mums. Yet here I am, living on benefits because I had to give up my job when he left as no childcare, no one to help with the house or the kids and barely getting a minute to myself from a clingy 2 year old and a difficult 8 year old and I'm starting to really resent him for sounding so positive in his recovery yet never thinking to ask how I am or mentioning when he may be back to stay.

Is this something anyone else has struggled with? I was really sure I wanted to make a go of things but now I don't know if I can shake off the feelings of abandonment and resentment towards him.

I think when he comes back next week you need to tell him how you feel and make a plan for going forward.

Depression is a serious illness. If he had cancer and was in hospital you'd have to deal with the kids, house etc. It's not like he's having a holiday. If you were ill (either physically or mentally) he'd have to deal with everything. Why do you feel resentful? Do you doubt that he really was/is depressed?

I don't doubt it at all because I saw how he changed and really wasn't him anymore but now he sounds like he used to and speaks about how well things are going for him yet I'm here trying to keep my head above water with no one to talk to and nowhere to turn, doing the same things day in/day out.

I don't resent him for being ill but I do resent the fact that he was able to just walk away to deal with his issues as though we weren't good enough then changed his mind but still has no intention if coming back.

It wasn't because you weren't good enough though was it? And it wasn't really him making the decision. He has an illness that will effect his decision making. If you'd walked away because of depression he would have had to pick up the slack. In sickness and in health and all that. Do you feel that he wouldn't have supported you if the situation were reversed? Is that the cause of the resentment?

Talk to him next week and make a decision about what will happen going forward.

Maybe you could have a conversation about this with him and explain that since he left you to deal with everything you have been considering whether you still want the relationship to continue. It is all on his terms at the moment and he is taking you for granted. He is also thinking that he can take his time to decide whether he wants to come back or not.
It sounds like that ship may have sailed and he may no longer be welcome unless he puts some serious effort into repairing things.

Has he seen you and the children since he went home? Does he feel any guilt about leaving you in order to get better?

I have suffered from depression myself, I am not unsympathetic. But I think I would struggle in your shoes too tbh.

phones regularly to speak about how things are.

never thinking to ask how I am or mentioning when he may be back to stay.

He phone to tell you how much better life is now he doesn't have to work or do housework or childcare. Nice.

I couldn't get past being abandoned. I would always fear he would do it again. I would be scared to do anything to upset him and my own needs would immediately become lower priority than his desires.

He claims he is getting better but is not even asking how you are, never mind doing something to help you. I could never ever get past that.

When it came to the crunch, you and the children were sacrificed so he could save himself. I couldn't ever get past that.

How is he paying for the counsellor if you are on benefits?

Sorry.

I think I couldn't get past the fact that leaving his immediate family, his own wife and children, was what he wanted to make himself better. I get it that depression can make you self centred, but this seems so shocking OP.

Sorry, I am not being that helpful, am I?

Outraged I'd like to think he'd have picked up the slack for me just as I have for him but I don't doubt that he'd have felt exactly as I do now if I had dragged his emotions back and forth as he has with mine. Yes depression is a shitty thing, I'm not debating how serious it is but its not so easy living with the fallout either!

Realistically I know it wasn't him making the decision that he was better off away from us but my kids don't understand that and I think that's the hardest part. Trying to keep a brave face on for them when he doesn't have to because they can't see him if he's falling apart.

Humphrey he has seen the kids once since he left because he obviously had to give up his job and is on jobseekers so saving the £110 train fare takes a month in itself but he speaks to them regularly on the phone. He has said how much he misses us, will get better, feels guilty when I say I'm struggling etc but never specifically about leaving in the first place.

Melon, I meant he phones to update me in his progress if he's had a good day or a bad day art to his feelings not that his life is better in general. Sorry if I was unclear.

I guess part of me does feel that he went there under the impression that everything would be better for him, even if that meant without us but in fact its made him see his family abs friends in a very different light for varying teasons so basically the grass wasn't greener and he wants to come back. Again realistically his depression led him to this conclusion but I can't help but worry if it'll happen again.

He's on jobseekers and the area he's in (where we're from originally) has a high rate of mental health issues so counselling is free for those on referral from GP.

Did you post at the time he was going, OP? The scenario sounds familiar and I dont remember the details, but I do remember (if it is you) your shock and anger that he could just up and walk away. Sounds like he is still wanting support and interest from you, whilst not contributing anything - I second the poster who suggests reminding him that in leaving to 'find himself' he may have lost you - you didn't agree to him going, so in effect he deserted you.

I'm not saying it's not really hard for you, it is of course. You need to resent the illness and not him, that's all. Don't judge him based on decisions he made when he wasn't able to make clear decisions.

Depression is an illness. If this thread was about a DH with cancer, no way on earth would someone respond 'how much better life is now he doesn't have to work or do housework or childcare. Nice.'. I'm just trying to counteract stupid comments like that. It's easy to forget how serious depression is. He's depression will be no reflection on his love for you or his children.

If he's getting better take next week when he is there and you can see how he is to talk about the future.

It is very, very difficult living with someone with depression (as I'm sure you know), particularly for children who don't understand. Leaving was probably the best thing he could have done, even if it came from a selfish place.

I did post when he decided he was leaving.

I originally said that it was over because I couldnt deal with the ups and downs with him and he was adamant he just couldn't be happy here and wanted me to move there with no job prospects, savings or home to support so when I said no he said he couldn't stay here either and left.

Don't get me wrong he has come along way in understanding his mental state and is learning gradually how to control it but i need to learn how to move on from it all.

The problem is that people with depression can get like this - IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM and they don't see anyone else in the picture - even their children. All their actions and thoughts revolve around themselves...

I really feel for you as you have been dumped with all the fallout of this . It may not be " his fault" as people said but it is a bloody hard scenario and it can appear a never-ending one - just when you think it is getting better then off it goes again.

I don't have any advice for you - just saying that it is very hard and you have very reason to feel this way. Until you have been at the receiving end of depression it is impossible to understand just how helpless it makes you feel.

When people are depresses they often imagine that if they were somewhere else, if they had another job, if they had a more understanding partner they would feel better. It's a desperate attempt to make the pain go away. But of course they can't escape the pain. Maybe you were as well off he was away as it's difficult to cope with someone being depressed around you. See how he is when he gets back and like already said think of it like cancer..you would understand him being away..It's not easy for you at all but maybe not his fault just a pain

I'm not sure that being depressed is enough excuse to justify being self centred and thoughtless. Most people with depression hate being a burden and causing hardship to those they love.
OP what was he like before? Does he have a track record of this or is he usually kind and helpful and pulls his weight? If the former I would be less sympathetic. If the latter I would wait and see if he improves as he recovers.

I'm here trying to keep my head above water with no one to talk to and nowhere to turn

I think this is the crux of your resentment. He's got support and you haven't.

What can you do to get support for yourself in your daily life and routines?

Suffering from a mental illness does not give you a free pass to hurt other people.

Other people can forgive more easily knowing that your behaviour resulted from a severe bout of mental illness.

However, this does not mean other people have to leave themselves open to more bad treatment from you because "it wasn't me, it was the illness."

It was you, it was ill you, and you might become ill you again and you might hurt the person again.

You say he has been up and down for years and that you are tired of it. That is OK to admit.

Your mental health is important too. As is that of your children.

You have to determine whether it is healthiest for you and your children to let him come home or whether to tell him to stay away.

I keep coming back to your first paragraph op, that he put his depression down to being away from his family and friends. Surely you and your children are his family, and are you not each other's friend ?

Yes, depression is a genuine illness; a life-threatening one in some cases.
It's also the sort of illness that's a bit like whiplash-after-a-car-crash or some addictions-which-aren't quite-addictions - difficult enough to diagnose that it's a brilliant go-to for selfish, lazy arseholes. They have [illness]. Therefore they have to be allowed their own way at all times, or they will burst into flames or something. It sounds a bit as though his 'depression' is the convenient variety that doesn't actually put his life in danger but makes him sufficiently 'unwell' that he doesn't ever have to put himself out for anyone else, because it might 'damage his recovery' if he had to make an effort.
It's not surprising and not unreasonable that you are fed up with the whole situation. You and DC matter just as much as he does. Even if he does have a a longterm serious mental illness it's still OK to decide that you and DC don't have to devote the rest of your lives to dealing with it.

The other thing that's really, really important to remember with any mental health issue in a partner is that mental illness happens to arseholes as well as nice people. And if someone who was previously an arsehole becomes mentally ill, that still isn't a free pass to All Is Forgiven Do As You Like Forever.

SolidGold and OldWiseOne speak a lot of sense. The impact of depression on a partner is huge and it seems no-one gives a flying fuck about that at times. Once 'diagnosed', all sympathy is channelled to them. No-one seems to ask 'what about the partner?'

'It sounds a bit as though his 'depression' is the convenient variety that doesn't actually put his life in danger but makes him sufficiently 'unwell' that he doesn't ever have to put himself out for anyone else, because it might 'damage his recovery' if he had to make an effort.'

Wow! It's amazing that you can diagnose what type of depression he has from the information in the OP. You could save the NHS millions! Who needs mental health professionals to actually meet the patient?!

Of course the OP, who actually knows him, said 'I don't doubt it at all because I saw how he changed and really wasn't him anymore', but what does she know.