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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do ? How to deal with this ?

19 replies

FairFattandforty · 18/04/2015 15:29

Background - when I met dh his ex was pregnant. She lives In a different country. He said she tricked him into getting pregnant and he did not want a baby or to be with her so left and moved home.
We met and had 2 dc now 14 and 11.
He has got back in touch with his ex and the child wants to meet him. Our dc have no idea they have a half sibling.
I am very hurt he looked for them without telling me.

I don't know how to feel. I know the teenager in this is innocent. I am not sure how my dc will react. They live in a different country. Speak a different language to my dc.

OP posts:

straighttothepoint · 18/04/2015 15:40

Why didn't he tell you he was looking for his child? You must have known this would happen one day, or the child would look for him?

Personally I think it is appalling to have a child and ignore them for years but thats just my opinion.

Original poster

FairFattandforty · 18/04/2015 15:45

She told him she was on the pill when she was not and deliberately got pregnant.
I am very hurt he did not tell me, he said it was easy to find his ex online as she still lives in the same place.

OP posts:

heyday · 18/04/2015 15:45

I do think he should have consulted you before he tried to make contact but that is history now. Your children are older now so I think you should both sit down with them and have an honest, open talk about this.it might be difficult for them to comprehend initially but they do have the right to know they have a half sibling. Let dh build up contact with his child if he so chooses and perhaps, in time his children with you, may feel ready to meet up. I do think your husband needs to be prepared for the fact that they may be angry that he has kept this a secret from them. He should be a available to answer any questions or concerns that they, or you, may have.

Original poster

FairFattandforty · 18/04/2015 15:53

I feel this is his thing to deal with and I should not get involved. He wants us to deal with it 'as a family'

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/04/2015 16:27

I agree with you. This is his issue to deal with, and I'd keep myself and the kids completely out of it if I could.

Has he always been a bit of a wanker or is this a new thing?

Zillie77 · 18/04/2015 16:30

FFF-I can understand your sense of not wanting to be involved, I think I would feel similarly, but won't that ultimately make it more difficult for you, him having this potentially important relationship (with the child, of course) and having to keep it all very hush-hush?

I think that has more potential for breeding hurt and resentment all around. You are in a tough spot, I wish you all the best.

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 16:35

Horrible that he has not been paying child support, and that you never seemed to have given it a thought either.

Seems best to explain to your Dc the basic facts. Dad was careless about birth control with someone he had no intentions of a long term relationship with, and so they have an older half sibling in Name of Country. Oldest child is the right age for discussing BC anyway, and discussing real life experiences, both dad's mistake and your family planning is reasonable. Second child is not too young to hear it either.

Go ahead and point out the obvious possibility of meeting Sibling someday. Because even if you avoid it now, any of the 3 might initiate it later.

My dh found out as a teen that his dm had given up a child years before. She told them him and dbil a few months later. They came of age during the early AIDs era,, so discussing condom usage led to a natural time to discuss her boyfriend's lack of same in 1950-whenever.

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 16:37

Of course you have to handle it as a family. You are a family.

Original poster

FairFattandforty · 18/04/2015 16:43

The mother of the child never ever got in touch or tried to find him or ask for child support. He would have been very easy to find as we live in a very small place and his parents live in the same house in the same village that everyone knows the family.
From what I understsnd the mother has a degree and is smart so would have very easily found him if she wanted to. She got married when the child was very small and had another child too.
We don't have a lot of money at all so going abroad to visit would be impossible for us.
I think I need a few days for it all to sink in and see how I feel about it.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 18/04/2015 17:22

If he was a decent man he wouldn't have needed to be found in order to financially support his child!

Jackieharris · 18/04/2015 17:36

I'm on the other side of this. (Well potentially in a few years)

Eldest dc's father willingly had unprotected sex with me after I'd told him I wanted a baby. But he still seemed surprised when we conceived. (I bet he told people I was on the pill & 'tricked' him. So basically he buggered off abroad leaving me holding the baby. He knew where we were but never attempted contact or offered child support. I never chased him for it.

Curtesy of fb I now know he's married and has a new DC. I imagine his wife & child know nothing of our DC.

I haven't told DC his surname so he can't look him up. But I'm aware this may become an issue eventually. Tbh if ex initiates contact I'll tell him to f the f off. He abandoned his DC for no good reason, which is unforgivable in my book. If a mother abandons her DC she permanently loses her rights.

If my DC initiates contact tbh there's nothing I can do about it. It is a big cloud hanging over us.

I feel sorry for his new wife- she doesn't realise what a she is married to.

AyeAmarok · 18/04/2015 17:40

Understandably, you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

Your DH was responsible for contacting his child and providing support for his child.

If you don't have a lot of money, then he shouldn't have had two more children if he was then unable to meet his responsibilities to his first child.

You knew the situation when you got involved with your DH, I'm surprised you haven't considered this scenario.

But that's by the by.

You should deal with it as a family.

Foraslut · 18/04/2015 17:42

You have to handle this as a family as he needs to take responsibility for all his children I think. I know he didn't tell you but you have to deal with it now he has.

Vivacia · 18/04/2015 18:57

The mother of the child never ever got in touch or tried to find him or ask for child support.

Can you think what would keep you from being part of your children's lives?

I feel really bad for you, that your husband didn't do this with you, that you're married to a man who could treat his children like this... But it is what it is now and I think you need to do this as a family, with the guidance of the mother of your children's sibling.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/04/2015 19:11

This is one of those situations where you all acted badly/stupidly in the past and now there will inevitably be at least some hurt and upset. I don't know how you're going to justify this to your children tbh. Other than to say 'Your Dad was a massive prick, but now he's trying to make things right. We're both sorry we've lied to you your whole life'. With regards to how you should feel; guilty.

Joysmum · 18/04/2015 20:19

Wow, he knew he was a father and didn't bother finding out his child was ok or wanting to contribute.

At least he's finally developed and concience and shown some sort of decency.

magoria · 18/04/2015 20:27

So now another person (or two) has done all the hard work financially and emotionally of raising this child to the age of 15ish he wants to swan in and enjoy them.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/04/2015 22:59

He said she tricked him into getting pregnant and he did not want a baby or to be with her so left and moved home.

That pretty much says it all IMO.

I imagine once he dumped and ran, she figured he wasn't going to be supportive, so what was the point?

Personally, I'd lose a lot of respect for someone that was willing to abandon his child.

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 23:11

she shouldn't have had to attempt to track him down and ask for child support. he knew she was pregnant, and knew where she was. He didn't offer, you didn't mind. the two of you just put them out of your minds.

even now, you are only worried about your poor dc finding out about their sibling. are you sure you aren't worried about them finding out how dishonorable he behaved and you went along with?

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