Just started the freedom programme today... go me!!

[Darcey2105]

I just started the freedom programme today, so just wanted to share what a help everyone on mumsnet has been talking about it so much. It's something you don't really hear about in real life.

I actually thought I didn't really need to go because my situation wasn't that bad. But one of the things I've thought more and more over the months and years is how islolated I am, and how no one knows what I'm going though, and how I can't explain it properly to anyone, and how no one can help me.

But even so, the effort it takes to get to a session is unreal. I have now told my OH we're divorcing, he is out the country at the moment, it was taking place in my town on a day I'm not working, and still the amount of effort needed to go was so exhausting.

I think when you are being abused, it is really hard to do anything, especially anything on your own is really hard.

The first session was just a general discussion. But I am really squeamish and dare I say sensitive, and half way through I thought I was going to faint. I think it was feeling all the sadness and fear for myself, and hearing all the harrowing stories of the other women. Anyway I just downed a cup of tea and ate about 4 biscuits really fast, and that got me through the moment.

I'm so proud of myself for going, and I've read the book over the last 2 days also. I feel sad but so clear in my head. After so long trying to judge everyday whether what I was going through was bad or not, I now don't need to waste mental energy on thinking about it.

The only thing I'm worried about now is all the statistics of men getting dangerous when you try and leave. I am quite worried about that, especially as I don't have a mobile phone at the moment. But he's away for 2 days so I'll try and sort a phone out in the meantime.

Also, it is a bit like Alcoholics Anonymous I imagine, to sit there and show your face, and to know that by turning up you are admitting to yourself and others that you are being abused is a massive step.

It's the one thing you've tried to hide for so long from yourself and everyone you know, so to sit and admit it in public is a massive thing.

Good for you, well done! Do you think one-to-one counselling might help too? I'm just thinking it might be less scary on a day when you don't feel up to sharing in a group.

Have you considered calling Women's Aid? They can advise you about staying safe now you've decided to leave. I think Women's Aid or Refuge can provide practical help too. You could call the helpline? Do it soon so you can act on the advice while he's still away.

I'm glad you shared this, OP. What a massive step to take - that 1st session. Anyone who's got that far should feel proud of themselves.

Well done Darcy.

This is just fantastic, Darcy, go you indeed! I think you will find a lot of support, warmth and strength from the group. Just knowing you're not "mad", and there are people who really get it, can be a huge release. Women's Aid and your facilitator should be able to help with practical advice. All the best!

Do you have to pay? I have no money.

Darcey
I am so glad you are attending the freedom program, I did it and I can assure you it has been of great help, not only then but even now years later. There is so much information /signs to be aware of and you will learn lots not only from the people who gives the course but from the other attendees.You will soon realize that there are many type of abuse and you will see that your case is very similar to other cases. Abusers are very clever at plotting the abuse then is vital to identify them and their modus operandi.
I lived in a very abusive relationship with a medical doctor, year after year of unhappiness, abuse, humiliation, control, blackmail and I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship because he didn't hit me although he did it in the end when I told him I will leave him even told me he will kill me. I have moved on from those dark days, managed to take my young daughter with me to leave abroad and rebuilt my life with a man as good as an gold. Stick to the Freedom Program you will leave it wiser and stronger.

If you go in person, no. Though I think you're asked for a contribution for the room, tea & biscuits :) Online it costs £10 which includes a digital copy of the book(s).

Here are some resources to be going on with:
Living with the Dominator
Dominator/Friend chart
Support thread

Yes, men become more dangerous when you tell them is off, they hate to lose control and to allow you to make your own personal decisions. You need to be very clever, put yourself together, write in a diary what he does to you, date, time all those thing will help you during the divorce.

You also need to plan ahead. save money, open your own personal account and do not keep evidence in the home you share together, have money with you at all time in case you have to leave the house in a rush. Start putting aside in a suitcase clothes and important personal items then leave them
somewhere else e.g. family or friend.

Well Done! Understanding that you are being abused is a massive step - it took me about 10 years. The fact that you are doing the Freedom Program means you know you are being abused and are now taking steps to get out.

beezlebop - I think you have to pay about GBP10 for the online course. Can you manage that?

Go you Darcey, and keep on going ! What a fantastic thing to have done for yourself. Knowledge IS power. Good luck.

Thanks for the help xxx

Oh well done!

As you say, the hardest thing is getting there - once you're there you know you're 'home'. V safe environment, too. In one group I went to (I've been to a few!) one woman shared some harrowing stuff but the majority had a similar story to mine re all the abuses except physical.

You are free to step outside at any stage if things get too much btw. In my group/s, a lot of us did that and one of the facilitators comes out to check we're ok,; to stay with us if that's what we want; to bugger off if that's required!

As said above, Women's Aid and/or your FP facilitator will support and advice you on safe steps from now on.

You don't need to tell your abuser the ins and outs btw - in fact, don't! Keep as much to yourself as you can. Have you copied/kept relevant documents eg bank statements, mortgage/rental agreements, cards, loans, passports, birth certificates etc? Copy/keep everything you can think of - keep eg passports somewhere safe, preferably out of the house (a relative's/friend's house?)

Blardy well done 10/10

Hi knotswapper, I can't at the minute but will next week hopefully. I have just read the resources and am feeling nervous.