How do you know if you love someone? (Inc. family/friends etc)

[SurlyCue]

Probably a silly question (should you just know?)

I say i love my children, my friends, my dog, etc but how do i know if i do? I am asking because i'm in a new relationship and although im enjoying it and his company i have no feelings of 'love' (what should that even feel like) i am also quite aware that i seem to struggle with some aspects of relationships and dont know whether lack of feelings for people is down to the fact that i just dont love them or down to the fact i dont recognise the signs. For example i am not sure if i love my mum. She is a great mum and always did what she thinks is right by me and my Dcs but it is a strained relationship. I dont feel relaxed around her and dont enjoy her company. We dont have chats or see each other for a cup of tea or lunch, when i visit she will just get on with her housework etc so we dont talk really other than her asking how the DCs are and how my course is going. But does a strained relationship mean i dont love her or do i love her but i just dont know it? How would i know it? I have a cousin who is like a best friend to me and when i think of her i feel happy and i "know" i love her. But i dont know how i know. I love my DCs, but do i love them because i am supposed to or is there an actual feeling? They make me really happy and they are my number 1 priority in life, i would kill to protect them.

I worry about this because i dont want to pass on to my Dcs the confusion i have. I want them to be able to recognise love. And also to know for sure that I love them. I tell them all the time and we are very affectionate (my mum was absolutely not!) but how do they know that i love them if i dont know what it is myself?

I know who I truly 'love'. Those who are the most important, because the thought of losing them make me feel physically ill.
There are others I care about very much but only my immediate family really who make me feel like this.

I think the only ones i get that "physically sick" feeling are my DCs, and (embarassingly) my dog .

I would be devastated to lose my mum/dad/sister/cousin/best friend etc. but i dont feel for them as i do for my dcs. My cousin i feel very strongly for, she is like a sister, even more than my own sister, and i feel i love her. But i still dont know how i know that and what is different between her and my actual sister other than i am happy when i am with her or talking to her, i miss her now that she is living far away.

When I look at or think about someone I love, I get a warm feeling in my heart. If I hear that they are ill, or sad, or lonely, my heart kind of "twangs" in response. (I guess this is what people mean by "tugs on the heartstrings".)

I love my sister, and my cat, and my son. That's it. I have a lot of acquaintances but - this will sound cold - I would be a bit sad if they died but it wouldn't really affect me.

It sounds like you are not really sure how to either feel that you are loved, or whether you love someone? If your mum was not loving as you grew up, this is not surprising. Have you ever thought about counselling in the sense of personal development?

How are you at recognising other emotions, surlycue? Do you know when you feel angry, sad, happy etc, and what has triggered those feelings?

There are many people in my life who I care deeply for and would do anything I within my power to alleviate any distress that fell their way. I do not love them.

I love my children, my DH and all the creatures who make up our family. The thought of any of them suffering distress makes me feel hollow inside.

I have lost close friends who I cared for and I still miss them. I have lost family members who I loved and I still yearn to hear their voices again, to see them, to feel complete because they are part of my life.

Those are the definitions of love vs caring for me.

Do you know when you feel angry, sad, happy etc, and what has triggered those feelings?

Yes i think im ok with these feelings. I think im actually a bit odd in that i say, either out loud or to myself when i recognise it. Like if im angry i will realise it and say (inwardly) "oh, im feeling quite angry, why?" And try and pinpoint it. If im happy i usually acknowledge, at least to myself that this is a happy moment, or with friends i will say something like "this is great" or "i love this" depending on what we are doing or talking about. Although thinking about it, acknowledging my emotions has only been a recent thing ive started doing in the last year or so. I think possibly as a way to help me out of my depression. I.e; appreciating the good feelings and dealing with the bad as they happen.

Philosophers etc have asked this question for thousands of years!
I think it is very personal to each person, but don't now if it can ever be universally defined.

I never realised how much I loved my Dad till he was dying, I think when people show their love towards me I feel joyful and appreciative, but that's just gratitude for having them in my life. So I guess that's one side of love, the other side for me is the huge urge to protect and never lose them which is what I felt for my Dad majorly as he was dying even though I rarely felt gratitude as at times we had a strained relationship. I guess love isn't always balanced in how it is felt, it has many dimensions. But ultimately it is gratitude and caring deeply. Sometimes we don't value a relationship as it can be strained or the parent can be closed off, hence not feeling much joy and gratitude from it. But mark my words when my Dad was dying it wouldn't have mattered any other way as I realised I loved him unconditionally. I didn't always like him, he drove me mad at times.. but hand on heart I can say I loved him. I guess that's where the saying goes that you don't know what you have till its gone. Afterwards I realised my Dad loved me in his own imperfect way, yet it was fierce. Hard to describe really and I'm rambling now so

I had a very strained (at best) relationship with my mother. Her lack of love has affected my ability to connect to people in that way. But. I can and do have those powerful and overwhelming feelings. I had a few years on on off counselling, I was stuck for many years in a cycle of rejecting caring people and hurting myself as a result as well as desperately seeking love and affection from closed off/ disinterested ones.
You can open yourself up, acknowledge and develop feelings for what they are. It's been a huge revelation in my life.

For me, love is accepting people as they are seeing their good and bad sides, and the bad not changing the positive feelings you have for them overall and also wanting the best for them.

By that description, I "love" pretty much all of humanity, in my more compassionate moments. Including my somewhat difficult parents.

Then there are those beings we feel viscerally connected to, and that I think happens when need becomes linked to love. That's not necessarily a bad thing: it's how parents are programmed to rear their children. It's how my dog has hi-jacked my nurturing instincts so that I keep her alive. It's how we bond with that tiny number of humans around us who are going to keep us physically (and hopefully emotionally) healthy, in a difficult world: our parents and close family, essentially.

It becomes a bit complicated having those visceral feelings for lovers, though, since all too often it can be unhealthy for two grown adults to have a relationship with too strong an element of need in it.

If you have caring and mutual respect, want the best for each other, are happy in each other's company, and feel your life is genuinely better for having them in it, then I think you have all the ingredients for grown-up love.