When you realise that you are the family scapegoat

[Phoenix0x0]

MN is brilliant.

I have learnt so much and after reading about a family 'scapegoat' I have realised that I AM my family scapegoat...

As way of background.

My mother is the one that scapegoats me as I will challenge her; she is controlling and has a tendency to take over. She will use emotional blackmail, silent treatment, gas lighting and being very passive/agressive If she feels 'wronged' by me, she feels the need to 'win' and will do this by verbally bashing me and reducing me to tears.

The is the exact opposite to how she treats my sister.

I have reduced contact after the last big blow up and have ignored the above. I have also ignored any requests from her enablers to 'sort things out with her'.

I do feel more confident but my anxiety levels rise prior to any 'family' things I have to attend. I start to feel bad about myself and the critisism I get really gets to me.

Any advice?

You're well on the road, well done. My only advice is to do everything you can from here on in to build your self esteem as that is your best protection from their toxicity and from getting sucked back in. Be extremely kind to yourself, build yourself up, surround yourself as much as you can with kind loving people and get going on your new life free from their bullshit.

One thing - be wary of talking about this to people who don't know the full story, at least until you feel more confident about it. People can be very funny about family conflict and it can be very dispiriting to have someone who doesn't know the situation imply that you're being cruel or short sighted. Talk, for now, only to those who understand what's going on.

Read the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website as that may well help you.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages for additional support from there too.

Keep resisting all attempts made by any well meaning but useless "flying monkeys" to "sort things out with her". Such people are not at all acting in your best interests and should be ignored. It is precisely because of her behaviour that you have reduced contact with her in the first place.

You do not have to attend family things if you do not want to do so.

Write down a list of your good points, your strengths and successes and the people you really love and who you love positivley, and put them in your pocket. Touch the paper whenever you feel the need.

Take your partner if you're in a relationship with you to the family events, if you can

One thing - be wary of talking about this to people who don't know the full story, at least until you feel more confident about it. People can be very funny about family conflict and it can be very dispiriting to have someone who doesn't know the situation imply that you're being cruel or short sighted.

Yes. And also it can be tempting to seek external approval of your own feelings and decisions when the only person whose agreement you need is you.

The Emerging From Broken blog is worth a read.

Thank you everyone.

I have posted on the stately homes thread.