return to intimacy

[springblossompetals]

I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been through a very low patch and we are, belatedly, trying to fix things. Trouble is we haven't had sex for about 2 and a half years and while he would be happy to leap straight back in i don't feel able to do that. He sees me pushing him back as a rejection but when I try to explain that I just don't feel ready he doesn't seem to understand and says it is a vicious circle. I don't know where to go from here. I miss the affection and intimacy but could live without sex - he doesn't feel he can. I have suggested just cuddling and being more affectionate as a start but he says he feels like he is being strung along. I feel so lonely and dont have any close friends to chat to about it. Can anyone give me any advice or just a friendly listening ear.... Thank you

If you're not having sex with your husband, would you describe your relationship as a friendship rather than a marriage?
If so, do you think that this is
fair to your DH? What exactly is it that is stopping you from dtd with your DH. Do you know? Can you develop a strategy to overcome this? What about therapy? Counselling?
The sexual urge is a very powerful and basic instinct. Sex within a loving relationship cements the bonds between the couple.
Could you deny your husband a way of expressing his humanity and love for his partner?
How would you feel if your DH had sex with someone else?
I am not making judgements but I am suggesting things for you to think about.
I hope that you can resolve this. I wish I had before my marriage fell apart.

I was going to suggest some practical strategies until I got to this bit, "I have suggested just cuddling and being more affectionate as a start but he says he feels like he is being strung along." and thought fuck him.

i am sorry your dh wont listen to you your suggestion sounds very sensible and a reasonable way to reconnect. have you also tried non physical ways of reconnecting emotionally? do you want to stay with him? does he cherish you?

So what's his suggestion? Do as he says and spread your legs or what?

Could you do things together that don't include sex? Meals out, cinema etc just to enjoy yourselves together. It might help get the spark back.

What's his suggestion for getting you in the mood? How does he plan to romance you?

Personally, I wouldn't find sulky demands for sex to be a particularly effective form of foreplay. I am also pretty sure I would be unhappy if cuddles and affection were only associated with having sex NOW. It is a bit weird that he is asking for sex but don't even have cuddles and affection yet. Saying you can't have affection unless you also open your legs is weird.

Is his selfishness the cause of your low-patch?

Having said all that, I can't see how you can say your marriage is on the mend if you could quite happily never have sex with him again.

I assume from this that he is spectacularly crap in bed?

Why don't you have any close friends? That's a big red flag for a dodgy relationship you know.

Did you used to have a sex drive? If you did a visit to your gp might be in order to rule out hormonal or physical reasons why your drive has nose dived. A life without sex sounds sad for you.

If you never want sex, or even just never with him again you do owe it to him to be honest.