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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

PIL driving me mental...what should I do?????

23 replies

nuttygirl · 03/11/2006 16:13

PIL have never really got on with me. They are polite to my face, then are really nasty about me to my DH. He knows they upset me and has tried to defend me but he's a bit too nice....

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and they have made loads of nasty comments about me and the pgcy. I've tried to be nice to them and ignore it all but they're now nasty about my mum cos she's a smoker. My mum has already promised not to smoke around the baby and to be honest the in-laws cause more problems than my mum's smoking.

Every time they ring they upset me. They don't ever ask to speak to me when they phone (my mum speaks to DH) and rarely ask how i am even though I'm pg with their 1st GC. I was really sickly for the first 16 weeks but all MIL could say was "well, i don't have much sympathy for her". I'm now being accused of being lazy cos I plan on staying home until baby goes to school.

I'm fed up of it all and just want to get on with them but nothing I do is good enough (even when I had a great job with great pay they were constantly asking when I was leaving to find a job that pays more).

I'm so tempted to email them about how much they're upsetting me but I doubt they'd take any notice of it...his mum'll prob just cry and tell everyone I'm upsetting her. I can't just ignore it anymore cos I end up really upset and feeling sick...which means I don't eat and it's not good for me at the mo. Any ideas on what I can do????

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 03/11/2006 16:14

Why is your DH telling you about their horrible remarks? Honestly, what purpose does that serve? And what does he say to them when they say such rubbish?

LucyJones · 03/11/2006 16:16

completely agree with NQC. Can't understand people who tell people nasty things that have een said about them behind their backs. What good does it do? What's the point?

WigWamBam · 03/11/2006 16:17

You shouldn't have to do anything. Your dh, on the other hand, should get a bit of backbone and stand up for you far more than he is. If he refuses to listen to them, they can't slag you off to him.

LucyJones · 03/11/2006 16:19

I don't talk to my inlaws on the phone either - which I'm very happy about His mum talks for England!!!

theUrbanDryad · 03/11/2006 16:27

this, to me, sounds like a problem between your dh and your in-laws. what's his relationship with them like? agree with wigwambam, he needs to stand up for you, especially as you're pregnant with what is presumably HIS first child too. i hear what you're saying about ignoring them and it isn't that easy, but that's what i would do. either that, or send the email you were talking about. who cares if she says you're upsetting her? why would you care what she says about you? you can pretty much get away with murder at the moment anyway (blame it on the hormones! )

oh, and from what other posters in the past have said, bear in mind it'll probably get worse when the baby gets here. my MIL already uses our baby as a weapon (it's our first and their first GC too, i'm currently 30 weeks pregnant) which i detest. do you live nearby? how much grinning and bearing are you going to have to do?

wannaBe1974 · 03/11/2006 16:30

tbh it sounds to me like your dh is being a bit of a stirrer. Why on earth does he have to tell you what nasty things are being said about you by his parents?

I don't talk to my ILs when they ring either unless I answer the phone.

tbh I would question why your dh feels this need to continually tell you what his parents are saying about you when he knows how much it upsets you.

Original poster

nuttygirl · 03/11/2006 16:35

Well DH kinda has to tell me what they say cos I can usually hear they're being nasty...when he's on the phone with them I can hear him say stuff like "she's not like that" and "well you don't know her do you"

I wouldn't care if it was just me they were being nasty about but they criticise my parents who have done nothing but be kind to us. My dad's building us a new patio (and paid for it too) and all they could say was "why's he doing that, can't you do it yourselves, doesn't he have other things to do".

There's also the baby comments like the one about it not being nice that it will grow up on a council estate ( i grew up on one, DH didn't & we don't live on a council estate and we own our own house and that we should have checked out the schools before we got pg (er...we'll prob have moved by the time it goes to school...)

I can't tell my parents how upset I am by it all cos I know my mum will lose her temper and ring them up and give them whatfor!!!

Anytime DH has really stood up for me, his dad has either rung him or emailed and had a real go at him for upsetting his mum....

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 03/11/2006 16:36

He should be having this conversation out of your earshot if he must have it at all. And I don't understand why he'd put up with it in the first place, tbh. Why isn't he hanging up? And why would it matter if his dad acts like a big bully about it all? I'm not sure why either of you would want to have anything to do with these people, tbh.

(And no, don't tell your parents, that's just your ILs spitefullness hurting more people.)

Original poster

nuttygirl · 03/11/2006 16:38

UrbanCryad - they don't live near us (4hr drive away) but that only causes more probs cos we can't always afford to visit them (or at least it seems a waste of money as we'd only be there about 24hrs. They also think if we lived down there DH would earn more money (ie in the city) but in reality we'd be worse off cos he'd have to pay transport costs and we couldn't afford a house down there.

OP posts:

Original poster

nuttygirl · 03/11/2006 16:44

NQC - family means a lot to both of us and I don't see that ignoring their existence makes things better...he has other family near his parents and i'd prefer it not to cause a family rift IYSWIM. It's his bro's b'day soon (30th) and I don't want DH to feel he can't go to the party cos his parents are there. I know it would upset DH if he couldn't see his bro. Similarly it would cause probs at xmas etc.

OP posts:

lemonaidtreasonandplot · 03/11/2006 16:46

Your DH needs to stand up for you. And if his father gets on to him for upsetting his mother he needs to say something along the lines of "I don't want to upset Mum, but nuttygirl is my wife, she is pregnent with my child [later: she is the mother of my child] and I am not going to stand for anyone treating her without the respect she deserves." And keep doing it until they get the message. This is introductory being-a-good-husband stuff.

MiaOUCHthatHURT · 03/11/2006 16:46

nuttygirl, they are obviously the kind of people you will never please - even if you earned a billion pounds, lived next door to them, paid all their bills and produced perfect sons and daughters for them to dote on. They will NEVER be happy. And tbh I suspect that whoever your dh married, they would never be happy (they sound like the "no-one's good enough for our darling son" type ).

You have got to let it go. Get your dh to take calls out of earshot, (go out, run the taps loudly, crash saucepans in the kitchen), and resist the temptation to ask him what was said. Bask in the fact that your dh supports and defends you - support him in dealing with such difficult people. If your dh has the courage, I would suggest that as soon as they start bitching about you, he says "Your comments are uncalled for and upsetting. If you continue to be rude about my wife, I will put the phone down".

You need to sort out how you are going to deal with them after your little one is born because, sadly, they will almost certainly up the stakes.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/11/2006 16:50

Well, whether or not you continue to have a relationship with them, your DH either needs to make sure you don't hear this crap, or put his foot down about it. I wouldn't tolerate anyone talking such rubbish about my DH.

What will they say to your DC about you?

theUrbanDryad · 03/11/2006 16:50

to be honest, i think you're going to have to grin and bear it. or think up some suitably catty remarks to use back at her when she starts having a go at you. don't try and reason with her, as it won't work. i've learned the art of smiling sweetly and ignoring my MIL.

i think it might be worth your dh mentioning to his mother that he is an adult, he has chosen you as his wife, and that you are the mother of his child. and it's really not up to her where you guys live. we, too, have had MIL on our backs about moving back to surrey (not on you fecking life!!!) and we've pretty much ignored her.

out of sheer curiosity, does your dh have any sisters? someone mentioned on here ages ago that MIL's who had only sons were worse than MIL's who had daughters of their own. i am interested to see if this theory holds up in your case...

Original poster

nuttygirl · 03/11/2006 16:57

Ooh urban dryad think you're onto something there!!! It's just the two sons!

DH a bit too nice for his own good IYKWIM!!! I'd be really nasty if it was the other way round but he just doesn't have it in him! I know cos he's the same with me...i think if i told him to stick a brush up his a**e to sweep the floor while he did the washing up he'd do it!!! Suppose it's partly what I was attracted to cos he only sees the good in people!

I'm tempted to take the phone off him and do the job for him (ie tell her to mind her own business!!!)

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 03/11/2006 17:00

He's not standing up for you. Standing up for you would be telling them that he will not have them speaking about you that way, not just saying "Oh, she's not like that". Standing up for you would be telling them that if they continue to speak about you like that, he will not see them anymore and neither will your child.

Your dh should be putting you first, not being frightened to stand up for you because his dad will have a go at him. His parents are treating you like children because your dh is letting them - he needs to start behaving like an adult with them.

theUrbanDryad · 03/11/2006 17:02

no, don't be aggressive. be totally calm and in control cause that way you can claim the moral high ground i know it really pisses my MIL off if she's screaming at us and we're just standing there stoically taking it.

wish i could take the credit for the "sons only" theory, but it was someone else's idea. i was just really struck by how true it seemed to be across the board.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/11/2006 17:03

I agree, WWB, but I doubt nuttygirl's dh is going to do it, just because her imaginary friends told him to.

I expect he's been putting up with this sort of thing from them his whole life, and thinks it's normal.

WigWamBam · 03/11/2006 17:06

Oh, I know he's not going to do it, NQC. But he ought to be - and IMO it's something that nuttygirl should be asking him to do. I know it's hard ... I was terrified of my mother for 40 years. But if he doesn't stand up to them then nothing will change - in ten years time they'll still be slagging her off, she'll still be getting upset and her dh will still think he's doing what he can to stick up for her.

7up · 03/11/2006 17:07

i wouldnt have anything at all to do with them,agree totally with NQC, if they slag you off to dh then theyre bound to slag you off to your kids. unforgiveable.

as for slagging your parents off,that would really upset me big time. your mum and dad sound lovely. their comments about dad doing your patio sound like they are jealous of him helping you out like that. very sad people i think.

wouldnt want them round my table at xmas, cant imagine how you can be around people that so obviously dont like you, i wouldnt be able to hold my tongue

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 03/11/2006 19:30

go on this site . sorry I cant do links . They are great because they have all been through what you have .
www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_stories_archive_calendar_2006.htm

VanillaMilkshake · 03/11/2006 20:27

My SIL was not received very well by MIL when she started dating BIL. However she turned round and tole MIL if she did'nt like the relationship that was fine, but dont expect to be included in the life of any children that may come along. Since then they got married and now have to DC's and she has been the apple of MIL's eye while me DH and DD take a backseat.

We even get treated like second class citizens in favour of the BIL and SIL family. Dont enyvy SIL as MIL is round everyday, but sometimes feel like telling MIL to leave us alone as we're better of without her. But that's not fair on DH or DD!

ribby · 03/11/2006 23:52

I am new to this site Hello!!
Just been reading about the MIL It all rings so true to me!!! Had to put up with it for nine years so far and it got worse once I had DH1
DH and BIL are the only sons so think that theory may work about mothers and sons!!!
She cried when DH moved out we was only living 10 minutes away not the best of ideas!! Have since moved quite a distance away now.
You can only take so much all comments were directed directly at me not through DH but started to give comments back also DH had to say something after MIL got drunk at DH 1st b'day party and insulted my family not the first time she has done this!!!

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