Abuse survivors: how do you stop blaming your childhood self?

[PeppermintCrayon]

My parents were abusive and I grew up thinking it was my fault. The belief that I'm worthless and to blame is buried somewhere far deeper than reason. I've been working on it in therapy, but there's still a long way to go.

And the thing is I'm struggling to have any sort of compassion towards my younger self. When I think of myself as a child I just think I was irritating and weird and I'm not surprised other children bullied me for example.

As long as I dislike and blame my younger self I'm not placing the blame with the right people, and I'm seeing myself as they saw me, but I don't know how to change it. I only have one photo of myself as a kid so can't use photos to help with this.

I am going to bring this up at my next counselling appointment next week but I wondered if anyone else has got through similar?

Hi Peppermint. My own personal theory on this is that abuse survivors blame themselves out of a need to feel in control of what happened and to feel like there was a purpose to it, that it was inevitable because they deserved it. In many ways it's easier to say "they abused me because I was irritating" rather than to say "I was really really unlucky to be the child of some nasty abusers who treated me like shit just because they could." The first explanation puts some order on the world and suggests that if you could pinpoint what it was that made your abusers abuse you then you could change it and either make your parents be nice to you, or if you've let go of that possibility, prevent others from also abusing you. It's also very hard to accept that the people you loved and depended on, the people who were supposed to care for you, were fucked up and entirely wrong. You want to somehow believe they were right, you were irritating and they were only doing what anyone else would in that situation. I think that's a safety mechanism - trying to convince yourself that actually you were safe with your parents and the only reason things went wrong is because they had an understandable reaction to a difficult child.

What in fact happened is that a little helpless baby was born to the wrong people, people who shouldn't have been parents. She was incredibly unlucky. She loved them anyway, and tried to get them to love her, but they couldn't. They abused her instead. That wasn't her fault, she did nothing only be a child who wanted love. She was unsafe. She shouldn't have been there. Unfortunately she was, and she suffered the consequences of that. And that was just pure chance. Because absolutely no one in the world, least of all a little child, deserves abuse. Ever. Nothing a child can ever do can ever warrant abuse. Abuse is carried out by damaged, cruel people who do it because they can. You were there, in the wrong place. Home should have been a safe place but it wasn't. They were wrong.

Thanks cailin. The thing is I've got to the point where I can admit that they were wrong, they were shit parents, they treated me badly etc.

But I also still think I was irritating as a child. And that it's entirely possible that I actually was. That doesn't mean they were right, but I still think it!

Thank you for your post. You are of course right. But connecting it all together properly is so HARD.

Hi Peppermint, yes I blamed myself for a very long time. I'm still working through it in therapy, like you. I think what has helped is a few things - emotional and physical distance from my parents for a start. I have hugely reduced contact with them - its very painful, because I still wish that things could be different and that I could have a 'normal' family but its a good and healthy thing for me to do.

Taking care of myself - getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, cutting down on unhealthy stuff like sugar and alcohol, and praising myself for doing well or getting things right. That helped to build up a nurturing, supportive internal voice to counteract the negative, critical voice I had learned from my parents. The 'irritating' and 'weird' labels you think about are probably what you have learned from your parents and remember, they saw you from the point of view of an abuser, not a loving parent. They got it wrong. You can build up a positive view of yourself to replace those destructive labels. It takes time, but eventually becomes more automatic and you start to really believe it, deep down.

Absolutely none of this was your fault. You're in recovery from a very traumatic past. Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a beloved friend.

Just seen your latest post. Yes, maybe you were irritating as a child. Children can be extremely irritating! But there is absolutely nothing you could have done to deserve how they treated you. Nothing. If they were irritated by you sometimes, that was for them to manage in a healthy loving way, not for you to change all by yourself. You were a child, they were the adults.

As Lotta says, maybe you were irritating. Children can be. What significance does that have though? You say it makes you have less compassion towards yourself, but do you, as an adult, have less compassion towards an irritating child who's being bullied?

Do you have kids Peppermint? One thing which has really struck me is to look at my son, who could be on the UK Olympic Irritant Team sometimes and ask myself: Whatever he does, would I ever beat him like my dad did to me? Would I turn my back on him and tell him it was his fault if he came to me crying and so sad that he wanted to die?

I have also been working through John Bradshaw's Homecoming book and it is very good at exercises to help you visualise and protect your inner child self. You can read some of the intro on Amazon.

1. All children are irritating.

2. All people are cringe at some memories of themselves when younger.

3. Some parents are abusive.

These three statements are true about people. But none causes the others.

Here's another example:

1. All ducks quack.
2. All penguins are birds.
3. Some birds have a red breast. All true, all about birds. But none causes the others.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am completely NC with my parents and other relatives, which is sad but necessary and has brought me an immense amount of peace.

I'm managing to see myself differently now, but I'd like to find a different way to see myself back then.

Taking care of myself - getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, cutting down on unhealthy stuff like sugar and alcohol, and praising myself for doing well or getting things right. That helped to build up a nurturing, supportive internal voice to counteract the negative, critical voice I had learned from my parents.

This is such a good point. I'm working on it, but it seems to only apply to the present. I don't have kids yet (so kind of an imposter on MN but find it helpful and entertaining in equal measures) but I do have friends with kids and I work with some kids and, yeah, I wouldn't do that.

I'm sorry for what you went through, pocket. Our stories seem to converge on quite a few threads and there are many similarities. I have looked at Homecoming before but haven't got round to buying it yet as I can't find a Kindle version (I like to read on public transport and this is rather personal) but I think I'm going to order the actual book and cover it or something.

Melon, you've made me realise something: I don't really know how other people feel (ones who haven't gone through PTSD etc) about themselves as children, I have no idea what is 'normal' or what I'm comparing to.

It is important to note that the number one reason for depression in adults in abuse as a child - all kinds of abuse and neglect. Therefore your reaction is a perfectly normal one in terms of the abuse you endured. Your feelings are the normal reactions of a normal child to neglect and abuse. You haven't become a psychopath, sociopath or someone who has no empathy for others - your normal childhood fear, anger and confusion has become depression. Because you are normal in your response there will be therapists who specialize in childhood abuse and recovery who can help. It will be a long process but as others have said you can build a new internal voice and a new life.

You are a normal, healthy human being who was emotionally wounded by not normal and not healthy people who did not wish to change or help solve their problems.

Thanks heylilbunny.

I have just ordered Homecoming. Thanks all.

And you're not an imposter on MN either - there are lots of us on here who don't have children, for all sorts of reasons

Hi Peppermint,
for me alot of my inner peace has come from knowing and loving children of that age, and realising that no matter how much of a pain they are you wouldn't wish any harm on them, and infact you would go to great lengths to protect them from such harm.

My DS turns 11 this year and I am finding it a real challenge as this is was a key time in my childhood. In my head I was grown up and actively chose to do certain things and I look at my son now and realise that although he may feels grown up he is far from that and I was indeed the same.

Personally I blamed it all on me because it stopped me being afraid of others. I have never been scared of anything, because the only damage has happened because of me, not others. if you knwo what I mean.

I hope you manage to find peace and find the truth about your childhood self.
That is that you were a normal child in an abnormal situation. No child deserves to be abused emotionally or physically. It was not your fault.

Be kind to yourself.

I remember reading somewhere that your parents are a mirror, in the way that you learn to see yourself how they saw you. So if they saw you as annoying or behaved like they saw you as annoying that is how you will learn to feel about yourself. So your parents were a crap mirror, they were wrong in the way they treated you but have unfortunately left you brainwashed in thinking about yourself in the way you do. I know it's such a hard mindset/feeling to get rid of but you absolutely can. Chip away at it and slowly it will go, I tried lots of different books etc and none of them was a silver bullet but they all contributed and then I stopped trying and suddenly found that actually I'm OK and happy for the first time in my life and my childhood doesn't seem that important anymore.

I doubt that you were any more annoying than the average kid and a normal parent will love their child no matter how annoying they are.

I had a breakthrough when my daughter was born, I was looking at her sleeping on the sofa and she was so beautiful. I felt an enormous amount of love for her and realised I was like that once and my mum probably felt the same way about me. Even if she didn't she should have done. It was nothing to do with me if she didn't, all babies are beautiful and innocent!

The most annoying children I know are like that because of bad parenting in one way or another. For me you cannot hold a child responsible for how they are. An adult, yes, they have the capability to change themselves but children don't have that option yet and even many adults don't have the ability to self reflect.

Try reading The Emotionally Absent Mother. I found it was good at explaining the effects of childhood things on me now.

I never blamed myself. I blamed the abuser. Still affects me though and I know it always will. I've thought a bit about why they did it but really I'd rather not know.

If it is sexual abuse The Courage To Heal book might be worth a look.

Getting a bit tipsy with your mates and asking them about what they were like as children is an EXCELLENT way of finding out what is normal. You will almost certainly laugh like a drain and find yourself recounting stories that were previously unbearably painful but suddenly seem hilarious. Some of the best therapy is provided over a glass or two with good mates imo.

I remember reading somewhere that your parents are a mirror, in the way that you learn to see yourself how they saw you.

Yup. And I thought I had stopped blaming myself, until I realised how I felt about myself.

Thanks for the book suggestions! Nice idea about asking friends but other people's childhood stories all too often make me feel really sad and jealous, if I'm honest.