Contact, email or leave it....?

[eeyoreandpooh]

Hello, I have posted a few times about the same thing, back again just for advice, it always helps me:) divorced bully and ea husband, 3dcs and the arrangement is basicly he tells me each week which weekend day he can see them or not - it's crap:( due to a couple of apparent mix ups ( my fault, obviously I have it in email that he will confirm all arrangements in writing, I have confirmed this also and asked him to confirm by every Wednesday, if I hear nothing I will make alternative arrangements for the children. So, verbally he asked for them this Sunday, it's now Friday and I have had nothing do I leave it and not turn up? Do I email him? I want to email and tell him I have had no confirmation (as he specified he would do) so we have made other plans, but i just can't bring myself to do it:( any advice, thank you for reading

Yes I can see this is a hard one
If this is the first weekend since agreeing to confirming everything in writing then I would send one reminder email reminding him that arrangements need to be confirmed Writing as agreed and the consequences and as this is the first time just a gentle reminder.
Do not answer phone or speak to him.
If he replies good but if he doesn't you have it in writing.

Is there a good reason he can't have the children on set days and times each week?

Personally I don't see this as a hard one. You have created a set of rules, with consequences. Stick to them.

Email him asking for confirmation. Lin future do this on a Wednesday

I would email and just say; After agreeing to confirm dates on Wednesday of each week, as I've had no email I can only conclude that you are not available at all this weekend. With this in mind I have now made other arrangements for the children. Please ensure you send me an email this Wednesday to confirm day for next weekend. Regards, eeyore.

Well if that's what you both agreed, and if it's in writing that you both agreed that, then stick to it. Just make other plans for them and if he complains refer him to the original agreement. Don't go running around trying to remind him of his end of the deal.

It's a bit of a crap agreement though. I think you need to go back to the drawing board and work out something more solid and with more commitment from his side, that allows you to plan ahead with your own life (and the children's) a bit better. As it stands at the moment you and the children are left unsure of what each following week will bring and that is just not sustainable or fair in the long term.

Exactly what hellsbellsmelons said ^^

You said "in writing by Wednesday or no contact". He agreed. He did not put it in writing by Wednesday. Therefore no contact. Why on earth would you not do what you agreed to do?

He is hoping to fuck with your head. Agree to one thing, actually do something else, blame you for something ridiculous. Classic EA bully behaviour. Why are you still pandering to him? You've split up. You don't have to do that anymore. Surely that was the point of splitting up?

Actually the only reason I would send hellsbells email would be for a paper trail later for the courts to see, and to reduce the chance of him turning up for contact on Sunday.

Although, reading back, you said that you might not turn up on Sunday for his contact. Normally the person having the contact picks the children up and delivers them back. He hasn't got you doing his travelling for him has he?

Some part of your brain hasn't worked out that he isn't your lord and master any more. You can do whatever you want now. It doesn't matter what he says, what he thinks or if he gets angry. Fuck that shit.

Thank you for your replies. Yes, it's a crap agreement, simply because he refuses to comit to anything, this is what the mediator agreed with too, he waits to see what he is working and decides from there and the mediator was with him. I am so tempted to tell him it's too bad, this agreement about confirming by email etc was established in January so it's not new, he did the same a couple weeks ago then suggested I was at fault for not confirming - it's his responsibility to confirm if he wants to see them, not mine, my attitude is no confirmation from him no contact that weekend. Yes melon, I am still afraid of him - sounds silly and illogical because he can't do anything but I am. I meet him at a neutral place - don't want him here and I don't want to go there

This first time, i'd email. But not if it happens again.

I'd also be inclined to push for a regular routine.

I had a similar situation with no set contact days, i said i didn't care which days of the week it was, but the kids needed a set routine. It worked, but only because i said it was about what the kids needed, not what i wanted.

Sorry, x post.

Just stick to what you're doing. Stuck record will eventually get through to him. No confirmation, no contact.

Stay strong.

Thank you - I have just written an email, that was my thought, email this time but next time I am not going to, it's there in black and white , clearly says he will confirm by email and I have asked by Wednesday. I have tried to stress that everything is for the children's benefit, he can't see that cause it doesn't suit him and all he is worried about is himself