Telling my boyfriend I'm seeing a counsellor

[ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats]

I'm seeing a very very lovely man. He makes me very happy, and we're talking about our future together. This is all good news, and I'm delighted, but I've realised over the last month or so that I've got an enormous amount of baggage from my marriage, which I haven't dealt with as well as I thought. It ended pretty horribly after my ex had an affair with my best friend and walked out with no warning, leaving me with three small children and a financial mess to sort out, and it took me a couple of years to even begin to get over it.

It's been five years, and I had a lot of counselling in the first couple of years which made a huge difference. I have been happily single for a while, and thought I was absolutely ready to start a relationship when I met and fell in love with this man, who I met through work.

But I've struggled a lot. I feel anxious and insecure a lot of the time, and get very stressed when we have even the slightest disagreement. He's very patient and supportive and happy to talk about it, and I'm really clear this is me, not him. In an attempt to try and make sense of it all - when he's given me no reason at all to doubt him - I made an appointment with my old counsellor earlier this week.

She was fantastic, as always. She made me think really carefully and clearly about what's going on, and why I feel like this, and I realised that carrying on seeing her for at least a few more sessions is going to be very helpful for me.

My dilemma is whether I tell him. He'd almost certainly say I should do whatever I need to do, but I'd feel uncomfortable with him knowing that I'm talking about him to someone else in the level of detail that I do, and as honestly as I do. He's quite a private person, and very much of the get on with it school of emotional management, whereas I'm the complete opposite. On the other hand, not telling him feels a bit dishonest, as if I'm talking behind his back.

So, tell him or not tell him? I suppose the alternative is stop seeing the counsellor, but I don't think that's a particularly good idea for me or for him...

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you live together?

You could tell him that you are working on issues to do with your anxiety, rather than have him thinking you're talking about him, if you see what I mean. If he is lovely, he should be pleased that you're getting help with issues.

I have started seeing a counsellor myself and I think it's more important that you're working through things than whether your boyfriend approves.

I agree with herbigchance you just need to say that you are working on some old issues.

It's been nearly a year. We aren't living together but we've started talking about it.

I think he'll be very pleased I'm getting help as the issues are causing problems for both of us. He's no fool, and he'll know that he will come up in conversation in my sessions - his sister, ironically, is a relationship counsellor, but I think perhaps I just need to take a deep breath and tell him.

I think if he's a keeper he'll be pleased you're getting the help you need - though it's true that some people are freaked out by the idea.

DH told me he thought it was brave.

I think a decent guy will get that being in a new relationship doesn't make the old stuff go away. And it's sort of like seeing a dentist in a way, but for your emotions, if you see what I mean.

He's a dentist! He will like that analogy, I think...