My mother in law is so frightened of me she can't speak to me on the phone

[MollieCoddler]

I've just had another stilted conversation with my FIL making practical arrangements about something and I can hear MIL running the conversation in the background. I believe she is too scared of me to make the call herself. I came off the phone feeling quite upset and confused. We live close and see them often. She also seems to find visiting me a problem. Although its never explicitly stated, I believe she is only confident in seeing me if a family member is present (FIL or one of her adult children)

I am not scary. I have known her for over 20 years. I am trying to think what I might have done to offend her. I did snap once when they got DS the same birthday gift as we did (I had told them what we were getting) but I did apologise and backtrack on that. It was very minor and a long time ago. I recently (politely) refused to go to an event they had invited me too because I had seen the performance before and hadn't enjoyed it the first time. She seemed a bit put out.

I know she has longstanding mental health issues and i suppose this must be at the root cause of this but I can't help feeling upset as she has normal relationships with other people. She calls other people. We used to have a normal relationship. in fact we have a lot in common in terms of interests. Her mental health problems seem well controlled with medication. she seems cheerful and normal with other people. but not with me.

Its hard to known when the change happened exactly. She hasn't called me on the phone for at least a year and gets FIL to do it. She's OK if I call her. Having children has been a big change. We have three now and I just don't have time to sit around having the long chats we used to have. I think she needs a lot of nurturing to feel safe with people. I do like her but I find her 'hands off' approach to the children quite disappointing. I like to think I keep that disappointment well hidden but perhaps not.

Questions
Is finding telephone conversations difficult a recognised problem for some people?
Why me and not other people?
do I go on a charm offensive so that she no longer finds me scary?
Do I just accept it is her issue and not mine?

The whole thing is rather upsetting. We moved into this area to be near DHs family and I now wonder why we bothered as I just feel like a pariah.

I can only kinda help with one of your questions. I had mental health issues and found it very difficult to talk on the phone with people, even DH. I cant tell you why, i just couldn't do it. My mum also had mental health issues and she was the same. It could be that, but with us, it was any and all phone calls.

... i know realise that my comment isn't helpful at all! Sorry. Have you tried talking to her/your FIL about it?

Wow, OP that hit a nerve with me as I've experienced similar, also with my MIL.

DH finds it funny that MIL is "terrified" of me (his word). I am baffled, but deep down I understand as I'm vastly different culturally to what she's used to.

It's your MILs problem. Be nice to her, yes, but don't tie yourself in knots.

It sound like it is her mental health issues causing the problem. Can you mention to DH or fil that she seems different and is she ok?

Well my mental health is fine, at least I think it is but who knows! I do actually have a strong aversion to telephone calls however. I'm fine making calls during the course of my job but for some reason I avoid making calls with friends and family except my dh. Since texting has become ubiquitous I barely make a call. I'm a prolific texter and will text an insanely long message instead of just calling and saying the information - I know it is a little nuts. I'm absolutely fine talking to people face to face of course, I'm actually on the chatty side tbh but there's some sort of awkwardness about phone calls for me.

So maybe your mil just doesn't like talking on the phone to anybody, not just you. If you think there's something else going on then ask her face to face or get your dh to ask her?

She sounds a bit like my mum and her relationship with DH. In our case it's that my mum desperately needs/wants to be liked, even loved by my DH (in a family way, not a creepy way!) and she doesn't really accept the idea that this might not be necessary. So she's always nervous and seeking approval, but really conscious that being too needy is offputting so she comes across as aloof. DH is not massively close with his own mother and isn't that social, so I'm really not that sure he's likely to ever be close to mine. It's something he sees as unnecessary whereas it's really important to her.

There was also a falling out in the family last year which left her feeling confused and nervous because it was basically over a communication error/misunderstanding, just a clash in the way two different families communicate, but that's made her even worse because now she's worried all the time that she will offend. DH is totally oblivious and just sees her as not that involved in our lives, but it's more that she doesn't cope with large groups very well and prefers to get to know people one on one. There is a family party this summer, so we'll see if they end up chatting then! The "long chats" and "needs a lot of nurturing" definitely rings bells with me.

I find it difficult in a way because I love my mum and I want everyone else to love her too, especially people who are important to me. I also want her to be happy so it makes me feel slightly on edge to know that she is anxious and wants the approval from DH. Partly because I would love them to get on anyway, but partly because I know it means so much to her, which is probably wrong.

On the phone thing, I suffer from anxiety and find it hard to make phone calls, even to friends. I don't know why and I've never been able to explain it.

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Interesting that a fear of the phone is not uncommon. She is always on the phone to her sisters and daughters but I realise that is probably safer territory for her.

Roar really good to hear I'm not the only person who has a MIL who is 'terrified' of her! I assume you are nice! It would be perhaps more understandable if there were big cultural difference but in my case we come from a similar background and I am very like one of her daughters. I suppose I am more confident and more outwardly successful in term of career etc. in a way that she might find intimidating.

I will speak to DH about it as people suggest.

Texting/facebook would be brilliant but she doesn't do those things. In fact the older she gets the more she seems to be finding new things difficult. She's not that old though. 60s.

I'm pretty aware of my mum's feelings on this matter because she talks to me about things like this, but I'm sure that's because I'm a daughter - your DH might be aware but he might also be totally oblivious.

Bertie that's all really insightful especially the aloof thing. MIL can be bizarre in her aloofness. When I had my most recent baby she was incredibly aloof. Didn't visit us in hospital despite living v. close and I had explicitly said they could come, gave visiting hours etc. When they finally met him she was so cold. I knew in my heart she did care but I couldn't understand why she coujldn't show it. it was like she was scared of offending me.

So in desperately trying not to offend me, she offended me.

its all just so weird and draining.

It sounds quite sad :( You mentioned that you used to have long chats but you don't any more. If you feel you want to, could you say to her that you're sorry that you don't have the chance to talk so much any more, and that you miss her, and you feel a bit like she's nervous or avoiding you, and you want her to know that you just want her to be herself with you and not to worry about anything. And then leave the ball in her court. Maybe do it as an email or a text or something and say you don't need her to reply but you just wanted her to know that everything's okay but you feel like she is holding back and you want her to know it's okay if she comes round/calls/whatever more often. If you want to of course. Or get DH to tell her so she doesn't have to react to you directly.

I meant to mention as well that my mum also is pretty hands off with DS and DH finds that very weird and cold, because his family is really child centred and loves children, but that's just not her personality. She loves DS but she's not obsessed with seeing him and talking to him at every opportunity, she likes adult time as well. (He's her only grandchild). And she finds it difficult that often she only gets to see me with DH and/or DS in tow (but then says that she wants to get to know DH better..... aaargh, she's not exactly low maintenance ) But this might not be the case with you if she's known you for much longer, DH and I have only been married a year and DH and DM have only met a handful of times.

My Mum sounds a bit like this at times. She gets my Dad to do quite a lot of the phone calls. When dd1 was born, she was rather aloof as you say. She spent quite a lot of my adult life telling me she didn't want to interfere, but unfortunately this has the opposite effect of making you feel like she doesn't care. I wonder if she feels that she doesn't want to get in the way or impose on you - so if you call her, she knows you want to speak to her, but if she calls you, you might not want to chat. Perhaps severe insecurity on her part?? Can you accept that you have to do the running on the phone calls and keeping in touch? I feel there must be something more to it at a deep level though.

if she is incredibly insecure it may be that not having the time to nurture her with long chats makes her feel that you have gone off her. You can't have long chats with 3 kids though!

Is it worth talking gently with your FIL? and saying you've noticed this, that it saddens you and you are not sure what's going on, but you'd really like it if MIL and you could still be close even though you're busier now irl?

Keep in your mind that she -did- care about your third baby and does care about you all.

i think that all you can do is keep trying, keep ringing her if she's ok talking to you then. Are you close to any of her daughters? is it worth asking one of them what she thinks is going on?

Fear of talking on the phone is something that can happen with social anxiety. It could also have to do with something like a hearing problem- do you have a distinctive voice or accent that she might have trouble understanding?

I have social anxiety, and suspect (but have not been diagnosed) that I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum. I do much better in conversations with other geeky types, and generally better with men than with women. I don't do well at all with people who do a lot of reading between the lines in conversations (or expect me to do that), people who are easily offended, or people who expect me to pick up on their moods. The accidental aloofness thing sounds like something I might do. It wouldn't be that I don't care, it's more likely that I don't know what I'm expected to do, don't pick up the nonverbal cues that I guess most people do to help them know what to do, and when I don't know what to do I tend to get scared and clam up.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It really helps to know that other people get where I'm coming from .

I have spoken briefly to dh about it and he agrees that she is probably terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing. He seems to think I could do more to reach out to her. Eg he suggested inviting them over for a meal Easter Sunday but I refused because I didn't want to tidy the house or cook. He works long hours so a lot of that stuff falls to me on the end and I'm just exhausted / baby is still up several times a night. Also a whole ago I refused to go on holiday with them. Just didn't fancy it. That might have ruffled a few feathers though id kind of forgotten about it.
So dh partially blames me which I think Is a bit unreasonable

Is inviting her for a meal at a restaurant an option? No tidying or cooking required for that.

We've ended up inviting them over next week for afternoon tea for dhs birthday. No cooking required. A restaurant is a possibility but in the past we've had problems containing the children so haven't done it for a while

Geeky mommy. Thanks for your thoughts. I am aware of the possibility of being misunderstood so I do try to be quite clear and literal in the way I communicate. Which is why I gave her details of visiting hours at the hospital when I had ds for example. As far as I can tell she has no social anxiety, just anxiety around me

I have a mum a bit like your mil. My mum is massively insecure and hugely oversensitive. She has v limited social skills and will hid from people when they come to visit (thou never admits to this!). She is nervous in her own home and sing to hide it, but its so obvious. She acts like a frightened deer most of the time. She'll not go any where without my dad. I've tried amd tried and tried in the past to get her to come out with me to 'safe' environments but eventually gave up. It is exhausting being with her and to my utter shame i now often find her annoying. Other people have no idsa how insecure she is as she hids it so well. She seems to find the real world frightening and lives in a fantasy 1950's idle. She does nothing but clean and shop - her cupboards are heaving. She's even virtually given up driving apart from going to church. At the monent i live with my parents (long complex back story) but try to stay out of there way as much as pos.

Outsiders to the family think my mum is lovely, but i know she is really just terrified of everyone & everything. It's so sad. Perhaps your MIL is like this deep down??

Silverfish yes that's very interesting, a lot of parallels there. My mil does masses of laundry but isn't confident enough to cook meals so fil does it. She is quite socially confident though and has loads of friends, goes on holiday without him. So she's a mass of contradictions really!
I think it's ok to admit some people can be quite depressing to be around