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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about ending it

13 replies

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 17:19

Hi everyone.

Im a mum to 2 young children, my husband seperated from me 2 years ago.ive since got into another relationship and its been going on for just over a year.
We met online had a few dates and everything was going well. I found out that he was still seeing someone at the beginning of the relationship which he kept from me ,he told me it was over a few weeks into the relationship, which is true as she is seeing someone else now. Around the same time I noticed he still had his profile on the dating website and that his picture had changed,i confronted him and he said he must have been hacked. I then found a message on his fb saying when are you going to see your daughter...i confroted him again and he said shes not his, its his ex from a few years ago that bitter that hehad ended it so is saying that hes a dad. She is refusing dna. I said why didt you tell me, he said he didnt want to hurt me over something that may not be true. he wouldnt add me on fb, i thought that was strage, he did eventually after me nagging but he said he didnt want to cause hes in the army and he was scared i would get threats, hes had it before apparently. I saw tinder on his fone, he said he thought it was just like fb, hes deleted it now. Hes always accusing me of wanting to get back with my ex. He saw some messages on my fb from an old flame which were innocent but he accused me of shagging him. These are just some of the things. I have never found any evidence that he has or is cheating on me. I use to check his fone on a daily basis and there was nothing to worry about. Hes changed his password since so i dont anymore.

At the moment he works away so i only see him at weekends but before that we lived together for a few months and he is fine, we got on well. He is fantastic with my children and they love him to bits too. They are 2 and 4. He said he wants us to marry and have a future together. But, that said, i am a paranoid person, i can read far too much into things. This is making me miserable on a daily basis when he isnt here. So im wondering if its best i end things with him . He knows im paranoid and he does reassure me but ive always got that niggle in the back of my mind. Please, any advice from you would help me. Am i just being silly? Should i stick with him and try to sort myself out? Or do it on my own? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
crimsonh · 16/04/2015 17:25

He calls you paranoid? Yet he changed password on his phone... and doesn't want to add you to his FB?

And he was on Tinder and on dating site???

Co**lodger. LTB

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 16/04/2015 17:27

He thinks you're stupid and will believe any old rubbish. Ditch him, you're not paranoid.

Squeegle · 16/04/2015 17:29

Get rid of him

upaladderagain · 16/04/2015 17:55

His accusations that you're up to no good are a smokescreen: classic cheats behaviour. Get rid.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 18:00

Its me accusing him though, and im not cheating so i dont get when people say thats cause its not aleays true!

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Berrie1 · 16/04/2015 18:01

It sounds like he his hiding things from you, otherwise why would he change his password? And the story about him thinking Tinder was like Facebook is rubbish. He is feeding you lies and expects you to believe it.

He has no right to call you paranoid since it was HIS wrongful actions which led you to feel that way...

I think it's reasonable you feel paranoid being with him and I don't think you are being silly at all.

I know it's hard, but you would be much better off without him.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 18:03

I called my self paranoid, hes never said that to me, sorry if thats what came across..but hey ho, think we have a winner! Thanks girls..

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caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 18:05

yeah he changed his password but he puts it in infront of me and also reads it out whilst hes typing it...

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PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/04/2015 18:11

As many others will say, if you're not happy in a relationship you need no other reason, or anybody's permission, to end it.

Oh, and you're not paranoid: he is cheating on you. Everything you say is a red flag.

Don't worry about the DCs - they will get over him easily and anyway you really don't want a lying sleaze like that around them, setting an example, do you? Wouldn't you rather they grew up with a happy mummy?

Joysmum · 16/04/2015 18:28

I used to be paranoid and checked up on my DH. According to MN tgat means without trust we both should have ended it.

DH was my best mate before we hooked up so knew my past, knew my issues and thought I was worth it anyway. So I checked up, he was always reassuring, I learnt to trust again but that doesn't mean I'm not always in fear of being hurt, just that he was worthy of my trust despite still hurting from my past.

In your case though, you haven't been reassured by him, he's continually given you reason not to trust too. I'd not have stayed because I know I'd never have found my peace with someone like that.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 18:38

Everthing that happened was in the first 3 months of the relationship. Nothing has happened since,just me worring and reading into everything. Joysmum, how did your oh reassure you? Hes reassured me over and o er but in words, i dont know what more he can do!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 16/04/2015 18:45

Reassurance doesn't come in words, but in deeds.

It was clear he put me first, that he was always thinking of me, that he loved me. We always knew technology codes.

He's always worked long and unpredictable hours, often works away. If you'd told me 20+ years that I'd be comfortable of that is not have believed you.

There's no shortcut to the comfort and reassurance that lots of time of him not putting a foot wrong will bring. Words are only a tiny part.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 18:55

Didntont understand how you worded half of that. May have to dumb it down for me.

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