Hobbies - what's fair?

[ellietheelephant1]

DH and I met through a shared hobby - let's say it was playing darts. We played and competed for several darts clubs and were out two week nights every week and one weekend a month. We both work full-time as teachers and DH's school have much higher expectations than mine regarding the amount of extra-curricular clubs their staff have to provide.

When DS was born 5 years ago I gave up playing darts as I didn't want to leave him with anyone twice a week (and he was BF which would have made it tricky!). I went back to work full time when he was 6 months old and felt that leaving him with my parents two days a week and a childminder 3 days a week was enough. I am an only child, DH's parents are much older (late 70s) and too frail to ever babysit DS.

DH continued to play darts for one full weekend a month (leave 8am Sat, back 1pm Sun) and every Sunday (leave 1pm, back 8pm). He also coaches his school darts club (one week residential course in the summer and about 6 tournaments a year including one full weekend away), plus two different local youth darts teams, one on a Tues and one on a Fri evening every week (home 10pm).

This week his school have had a major darts competition which has meant DH being there until 10pm on Tues, Wed, Thu and Fri. This weekend he is away playing darts with his team.

As he is the only local person prepared to coach darts then the teams will not continue if he gives up, if he doesn't play then his team haven't got anyone else, and his school expect him to coach something to that degree of commitment.

All of which I accept. What has made me cross is that he has volunteered to take part in yet another charity darts match next weekend and wants me to take DS to watch. It is 250 miles away and DH thinks that DS will love it (he was incredibly bored the last 3 times) and that the group of teenagers that he coaches will look after DS. I am quite cross - it feels as if darts is the most important thing in the world to DH. We are trying to conceive DC2 (for the last 2 years) and I'm worried that I won't be able to cope if I have two DCs to look after. I don't get to go out anywhere as DH is always out playing or coaching darts and I don't have any friends/relatives who would look after DS anyway. My parents already pick him up from school 2 days a week so I think that's a lot anyway. I just don't know what's fair any more - if I mention it to DH he gets incredibly upset and I had quite bad PND so I'm probably not seeing things clearly and worrying too much.

Help? Suggestions? I do go running 3 nights a week if DH is in and DS is asleep, but that's on my own and I can't join a club because it inevitably clashes with DH's darts commitments and my school parents evenings.

Sorry, that was really, really long!!

I think rather than asking him to cut down, you need to start trying to have the time you used to spend on your hobby back.

The resentment comes from him having all the fun and you having none - time to balance that back out a bit?

Well, my thoughts are, why bother to have a family or wife if you spend that amount of time away from them?

I'd be well pissed off

Skiptonlass, it's maybe impossible for the OP to get the same time back on her hobbies?

When a family comes along, it's pretty difficult to maintain the same free time for both parents as it was pre DC.

The ideal answer is that he has to cut back and they both then have equal spare time.

How much domestic work does this man do? Is part of your (understandable and reasonable) unhappiness to do with the fact that he is out enjoying his hobby while you are scrubbing the floor and washing his pants for him?

Domestic work: I do the washing, 80% of the time he irons (usually DS's school uniform, my work top and his shirt/trousers), I clean and sweep, he hoovers, I make packed lunches x 2 (me and DS, his school provide all staff with a full cooked lunch every day and deduct something ridiculous like £2 or £3 from everyone's salary per day to pay for this), I cook for me and DS, he cooks for himself as he keeps trying different health food diets, DS and I are quite fussy/like very simple food - for instance tonight we had jacket potatoes, peas and bacon. He cuts the grass. I tidy everything away and take DS to football and swimming.
It's fairly equal - I would like it if I wasn't constantly hanging up DH's clothes and putting his schoolwork into giant piles in a random cupboard so that we can eat off the kitchen table. DH would like this too but thinks that everything has to be perfectly organised and gets depressed because there is just too much (of his) clutter and I have a terrible tendency to just throw things away which he hates. This week I have thrown out eight bin-liners of broken "but I'll mend it" toys that DS liked playing with in 2011 so I can put away the 6 boxes of toys that were in the living room.

I think that I would love for him to be interested - I don't think he has ever suggested/organised any family event that isn't "come and watch me play darts" or "visit my parents".

I don't think it's that I want the same time on my hobbies - theoretically I could go running for three hours a night if I wanted to do so from 10pm to 1am every day - but I want us to be together as a family not just watching DH and me being miserable about it which makes our (former) friends dislike me.

Sorry, I didn't say thank you for replying! I think you're right in that I am resentful about DH's hobby time as I keep trying to find things for me and DS to do that will make it impossible for us to go and watch DH do his hobby and I won't get a babysitter so that I can watch DH do something I used to love but now can't do.

I've just had to speak to my DH about 'excessive' hobby time, so completely understand how you feel.
Mine has a hobby that he would do every day if he could, we get 2 days a fortnight where we can spend time together without DC and he wants to do his hobby even on those days which riles me as I think he should be able to rearrange his hobby time to fit 'us' in.

BuytoLet did you manage to strike a compromise with your DH about his excessive hobby time?

Not really. He'll cut down for a few weeks to appease me, then it'll creep up again.

All winter he's been promising to sort through his collection of assorted crap (hoarder) which is threatening to swamp our bedroom. This hasn't happened and now the better weather is here he wants to be out doing his hobby more frequently, so I had a strop then he had a strop and started tackling it. It's a big job though, so will take time and things will slip before it's completed.

I think you should work towards equal leisure time OP.

It's not really about leisure time, though. I think OP wants to sped time with her husband and son! If she claims equal leisure time for herself, when do they get to do things as a family?

Same way as I said on another thread.

I advocate equal time and money for each partner and then tge same again for family time.

You don't have to take it, it just has to be available. This then acts as a signpost for what's too much. If there's not enough time for the partner, and same again for family time then that's your sign your being a selfish and self centred twat. Likewise with money. If you and your partner don't have equal spending power of disposable income, finances aren't fair.

It's not really about leisure time, though. I think OP wants to sped time with her husband and son!

I think that you're right googoo but how else can she achieve more family time? If he isn't the kind of man who wants to spend time with them, she's not going to win him over by telling him. I agree with Joy this is the way to show him that he's demands on time and money are too high.

The other answer is to play him at his own game, and rediscover the hobby you loved. If you both wanted to do it, there would have to be more compromise.