How can I articulate this so he sees my point of view?

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

Bit of background- I've just moved in with DP of a year, having been friends for a while previously. I have an almost 4yo, was with my ex for c.10years in a financially dysfunctional relationship (he was/is a recovering gambling addict) DP has previously been married, left with not very much in the divorce due to debts his ex racked up without his knowledge during the marriage- no children.

There's the history.

Present day we have a great, very healthy, equal relationship. We are both high earners and are working hard to catch up on the ££ that we both lost in previous relationships. We are saving to buy somewhere together within the next year.

There are 2 parts to the issue- we both want another child but are waiting on fertility testing as he believes he has a problem. Also, he doesn't ever want to get married again.

Neither are dealbreakers for me in their own right however together they are- if we never have a child together I would definitely want to get married, i'm not sure we'd ever feel like family otherwise. He doesn't see what the benefit is at all. how can I explain this so he understands? I'm not asking how to convince him, just help to get my point across.

I'm aware that this could all be a moot point if tests are fine however its hot topic at the moment

Thanks!

Do you mean if you ever have a child together? Or if you never have a child.

i mean id be happy to not get married, unless we find that he's right and we cant have children. In that case i think marriage would become more important to me.

So, you need a big statement to cement yourselves together as a family. If you had a baby together, you feel that it would bring you all together, and he wouldn't just be your boyfriend, he'd be the father of your child also.

Failing that, getting married would cement your relationship and family unit as husband and wife, not just boyfriend and girlfriend.

Is that about right?

i'm not sure we'd ever feel like family otherwise.

So only you get to say what a permanent family looks like?

When you use 'we' - you mean 'I'.

Have I got that correct from your OP?

bold fail in previous post! Sorry....

So no baby = marriage
Baby = your not bothered?

DH and I got married because I made him tell his mother about hospital tests he was having because she was his next of kin and not me and he wanted to change that. (Apart from all the other lovey dovey stuff obviously)

Surely that should be the other way around, baby = marriage, no baby = no marriage

That's a bit of a turnaround. Usually it's children = marriage. For very good reasons.

It's a slightly odd scenario, in that most people either want to get married or don't. Is it because you lack confidence and need to bind your partner to you in some way?

I understand, I think, a baby would make you more of a family unit. Without a baby then a marriage would give you that family unity and security?

Hubert has got it, sad- i guess i meant 'I wouldn't feel like we were a proper family'

Fireside, I do want to get married. In an ideal world I would, but i'd rather be unmarried with him than not at all. I just can't imagine calling him my boyfriend for forever.

Hmm Makes sense to me. We were all keen to get married then we had DS and there didn't seem much point; we'd already made our big commitment.

Bowler- yes, exactly that

There is no need to worry about this now because you're going to be able to have child with him. Concentrate on the baby bit now and if that doesn't work out then have another chat about the marriage thing once a little time has passed. He may change his mind on the mariage thing if he finds out he cannot have any kids of his own, especially if the bond with your 4 year old grows because of it.

I disagree with Niloufes about going ahead with the baby without resolving the marriage issue. Marriage is important to you, you need to set your mind at rest about it before you go ahead and are permanently attached to him anyway through a child. Does he say why he doesn't want to get married?

I'm not sure that I'd worry about it now either. You've only been together a year, and only just started living together. A baby is the first priority, I'd concentrate on that side of things for now.

I would assume that if you did buy a house together regardless of marriage or not, you would want to protect your interests for your son so would have legal documents to do so. Also, you would want to protect your finances for your son anyways.

I think in this situation, i would not want to be married at all.

I'm not particularly a marriage fan (because of what the institution represents) but it does provide financial security for the primary carers of children who sacrifice their career/money in order to bring up children. If you are intending to do this then I would seriously think about marriage if you have a child. Or at least ensure some financial security/legal advice on that. Please don't rely on "oh he wouldn't do that to me"!

I'm not sure that I'd worry about it now either. You've only been together a year, and only just started living together. A baby is the first priority, I'd concentrate on that side of things for now.

I don't understand that though Bowlers. If you are saying that it is too early to think of marriage, then surely it is much, much too early to think of having a baby together.

Having seen the umpteen threads on here when women suddenly realise that they have had children with their partner, marriage is very important to them and the partner refuses to get married, I would say the marriage thing needs sorting first.

I think the easiest way to make him understand is to say this:

"I want to lock this down now, I want the deal sealed so that you and me are glued together and you can't just hop off"

Done

Because that is essentially your point.

Problem is: You get no guarantees, single parenthood is so fast becoming the norm that no one gives a backwards glance. Divorce is messy but all too common.

Taking out a mortgage together is a huge step as far as I can see because people are so tied to their bricks and mortar dreams, and the money invested.

fireside I don't think it is too early for marriage if it's what they both want. But it's not what they both want currently, whereas they do both want a baby, so they could crack on with that.

Hopefully with time the ops DP will come round to the idea of marriage, although it won't be an issue if the hoped for baby arrives (assuming the op remains happy with baby=not particularly concerned about marriage).

That was my line of thinking, anyway.

Marriage shouldn't be something people "sort out" Geez, he doesn't want to get married.

Sometimes it is something you sort out Mini.

It wasn't for me, but it is for others.

I still don't think it's something they can shelve as an issue. The op days that, in an ideal world, she would like to get married. Her boyfriend doesn't want to get married, ever. There is potential for a problem right there. Ignoring it leads to the kind of anguished threads we see on here.