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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared and don't know where to turn. Any advice or words of wisdom appreciated.

17 replies

Potter1612 · 16/04/2015 13:15

Name changed for this post.

I'm stuck in an awful situation. I'll try and keep this relatively brief because I could go on forever.

I rent a house off my ex partners parents. We were together when we moved in, and when we separated, due to his behaviour his parents told him to leave (drug use, selling my jewelry for money, no stable job etc). However they ended up letting him come back home to them and he's remained there ever since. This was two years ago!

I've stayed put for all this time not really by choice but because I'm at university, a poor student(!), and his parents had offered to help me with childcare for dd. We have always got along ok.

ExP during this time has continued to be in and out of work, taking out pay day loans to buy cannabis, selling things and generally being a child (he's 33). He hasn't managed to stay in a job long enough to enable him to move out. He pays no rent to his parents and has his dinner cooked for him every night. This is none of my business really but just trying to give an overview. All this time he has continued to say he wants me back and ends up being emotionally abusive when things don't go his way, even threatening to 'smash my face in' and 'rip my head off my shoulders' and couple of months back amongst other things.

Anyway dd and I got back off holiday on Saturday to discover he had been to court last week and has received at 20 month driving ban for driving under the influence of drugs (cannabis apparently). Because of this he has again lost his job and is really being an awful person to be near.

He came round last night and everything came to a head and i'm petrified. Apparently he came to give me maintenance money for dd. When he saw i was on my way out for a meal with friends, he stormed out. He returned minutes later at the back door and when i opened it a few inches he forced his way in, locked the door behind him and took the key. Because of the previous threats i was terrified and shaking and began banging on the back door for someone to hear me. Its all a blur but i just remember him screaming and shouting in my face but i don't what he was saying.

I went to the front door and again he pushed me out of the way and took that key too so I had no way of getting out of the house. Thankfully my dd was staying the night with my parents so wasn't there. I can barely remember a thing just that i could hardly breathe and he was continuing to scream at me. I somehow managed to get out but i cant remember if I got the key or if he let me out.

I ran to his parents with no shoes on, still terrified and received no support from them. They said he would never hurt me (despite the threats) and he said I was completely over reacting. He was psychotic and i genuinely thought he was going to physically hurt me. My friend turned up minutes later and stayed with me in the house but i don't know what to do from here. I regret not phoning the police instead of turning to his parents for help (my parents are an hour away). Its like they are completely oblivious to his behaviour towards me. This obviously means me and dd will have to move because i'm worried for our safety. With his parents not believing me I don't even feel safe with them next door. But i'm in my final year of my degree and am skint till i get my career. All the rental properties in the area are so expensive. I need some advice as I don't know what to do. I'm so scared and i'm starting to think am i over reacting since his entire family haven't batted an eyelid.

I never imagined I would ever be in this sort of situation.

Sorry this has turned out so long. Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:

Nolim · 16/04/2015 13:20

Call the police. Now.

thebeesankles · 16/04/2015 13:26

Yes please call the police on the non-emergency number, you need to at least get this incident logged.

pocketsaviour · 16/04/2015 13:32

I would strongly advise that you call the police on 101 (the non-emergency number) and report what happened.

It doesn't matter that you didn't ring at the time - this is a serious incident and it needs flagging up to the police domestic abuse team.

I also recommend that you speak to CAB about your housing options, e.g. can you get housing benefit, tax credit, childcare vouchers. I agree that you need to be out of there since his parents are sticking their heads in the sand and enabling his behaviour.

You can also call Womens Aid for advice with dealing with him going forward.

Skiptonlass · 16/04/2015 13:36

Call 101 and log the behaviour. This is not acceptable. If he does it again, log it. If he lays a finger on you, report it.

I think if his parents are dismissive, you need to move, regardless of your rental situation.

blue42 · 16/04/2015 13:41

Definitely get it logged with the police.

Can any friends lend you an IP camera or can you set up some sort of surveillance? I know that's absolutely zero help to prevent you from being terrified, but it at least gives you indisputable proof if anything similar happens again. His parents may feel that he's never done anything like this before, so wonder why he should be doing it now. But that doesn't mean he isn't spiralling downwards and setting new personal firsts along the way.

I know that's really crap help, but since you feel you can't move and that the people who need to believe you don't - then it's the only suggestion I can think of.

Original poster

Potter1612 · 16/04/2015 14:10

Thanks for the replies. My brother is a police officer, but not in my area, ive just spoke to him on the phone as he said its really important i at least get it logged. This has helped to reassure me i'm not blowing things out of proportion. I was also worried about getting the police involved because again i'm renting a house from his parents and scared they will tell me to leave. Especially if they see a police car outside. Although i do have a tenancy agreement etc so technically i'm not sure if they are able to just tell me to leave.

Blue - that's exactly what its like. Hes always been your typical nice guy and laid back etc. But there's a first for everything and it seems hes on a downward spiral at the moment.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 16/04/2015 14:18

OP, there are laws protecting tenants and his parents cannot legally force you to leave without a reasonable period of notice - usually 28 days.

Even if you didn't have a tenancy agreement you would still be protected as you have been there for so long.

Please take your brother's advice and log this with 101 (sorry not sure from your post if you have now done this.)

It's really great you have a supportive brother. Do you have other family close by who can help you out? Would it be possible at all to be at your mum and dads until you can find another place? I really think the sooner you're out of there, the better.

lordStrange · 16/04/2015 14:25

Well they can't just boot you and your daughter out. I think you should speak to someone at the university. There must be an accommodation officer or some such, they will definitely help/advise you.

That's a terrible incident you describe, you must call the police. I hope his stupid parents do see the police arrive. A precedent has been set. What if your dd is there next time?

Quitelikely · 16/04/2015 14:26

Have you considered going to the university and asking them if they can house you?

A lot of universities have family accommodation too. Although it's not a widely known fact so do consider that.

Original poster

Potter1612 · 16/04/2015 14:26

No family close by unfortunately. The nearest is about 50 minutes away. I moved this way when i met exP and now i'm at uni and dd is in school. I know i have the option of staying with family if i really need to but id rather not because obviously dd is at school and i'm at uni!

I cannot believe i have ended up in such a messy situation. I've sat upstairs all day today with all the curtains closed downstairs because i'm so scared .

Now to try and find an affordable house close by .

What do i do about access to dd now? there was never anything regular set in place and hes never been a great dad but i can guarantee now he'll be asking to spend time with dd, which worries me after the way hes been...

OP posts:

lordStrange · 16/04/2015 14:36

I'm not an expert, but I think ss will have some input once you have logged the incident with the police. Please do that now. Poor you.

Skiptonlass · 16/04/2015 16:07

Your university will have some sort of pastoral care office - find them, and use them. There is often a lot of support for students via the university, please get in touch with them and ask what they can do for you, you might be surprised.

Personally, I wouldn't allow access just now. Drugs and recent violence = not a good idea. You need some professional advice - your local women's aid or your university pastoral care are good places to start.

louiseaaa · 16/04/2015 16:40

Have you thought about changing the locks? In the short term it may give you some peace of mind.
I work as a student support officer and I deal with similar situations, there will be quite a lot of support for you there at uni, and also if social services do become involved the uni team can attend any meetings and be your advocate.
If you are in your final year, I can promise that they will bend over backwards to enable you to succeed. Also do you have a good relationship with your tutor? They will be able to point you in the right direction as far as uni team help is concerned.

MiniTheMinx · 16/04/2015 17:18

His family know exactly what he is, and they are playing it down and trying to deny it. Its one of those situations where people want to bury their heads. They probably don't want to seriously have to acknowledge it because of the possible consequences. You moving, no access to see GD, son facing charges, losing access to his child, having an empty house on their hands...

If you normally get on with them I would try and speak to them. They DO know what their son is like, that is why they have let you stay in the house, and why they moved him out and have him now under their own roof.

I would log it with the police and get some advice, but request that they do not question him or seek to press charges. Its then on record. I would then calmly try and talk to his parents and explain what happened and why you felt afraid. I would tell them it is logged and recorded and that unless they will help you to keep DD safe from her father that you will be forced to go back to police and to move away.

Any access he then has to his daughter should be in their house and supervised by GP. Any contact with you should be mediated through them so that he has no access to your home and no contact with you.

I think that they might agree if they think they are losing control and access to their GD, or that they hope eventually he and you sort out problems and he cleans up his act.

Original poster

Potter1612 · 16/04/2015 21:34

I'm still plucking up the courage to call the police, I feel pathetic.

Does anyone know, if I call them to log the incident, will I be able to request they don't question him, but I just want it logging should anything happen again in the future?

OP posts:

lordStrange · 17/04/2015 00:09

Don't be afraid and don't kowtow. Your future and your daughter's require you to take sensible steps to protect yourselves. It is harsh, certainly, and unexpected, but you are what your dd has.

If I were you, I would just trust the cops. Can your brother tell you how the police will proceed from here?

louiseaaa · 18/04/2015 01:26

Yes you can do this, and you can do it with support from people at uni. I am conscious of banging on about this, but it's my job and I really enjoy telling fuckwits where to get off. Seriously, your daughter and you deserve better. Confide and lean on your brother, he may not be in the same force but he will have creditability where you are.

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