MIL's comments to DP - I think they're weird, what do you think?

[messagetothis]

My DP's mum emails my DP regularly.

In a recent email, he told her that he was considering taking a new job, but it would depend on how I felt about a move etc. We are saving to buy a house and I originally moved to where he lived for his job, and since then, I have got a good job myself, and we are both happy.

MIL's response/comments included:
"a healthy relationship is where two people have separate lives and you should ignore (my) needs. You should buy a home alone, it's not sensible to buy together (details to an example attached).It's time you started going out and having nights out with friends like a young man should." DP is 28.

she also told him i was very clingy and needy and concluded the email by saying 'sermon over.'

NB: I found this message when DP's emails were left on, and quite blatantly saw my name in the subject, at the top of the list. yes, I opened it and i'm glad i did, in case anyone comments on that!!

I will be brutally honest about myself and critical - I have a good career, and have equal savings as my DP (at the time of the email I had more), I support him through absolutelt everything. However, I am perhaps clingy in the sense that we kiss and cuddle in public and I like to have a full life with him - ie we do a lot of thigns together. However DP goes to the gym everyday with friends, often has weekends away seeing freinds etc. i feel we are 'healthy.'

A couple of months after this email, my MIL was asking DP to move in with her and buy a house with her. she is divorced and single.

What do I make of this? Should I be concerned that she is feeding this to my DP? I have addressed it with him and he claims he ignores it, but also said that he didnt think her comments were all that odd - are they? I htink that they are, and I think they are the complete opposite of what constitues a healthy relationship.

Very odd and if he can't see that then you've got problems

Sounds to me that she can't cut the apron strings.

Very odd. A healthy relationship isn't, to me anyway, about separation and mistrust. It certainly isn't about ignoring the other person's needs.

However, I'm not sure you should take your MIL's specific criticisms of you too seriously. They do show she doesn't like you and does not have your best interests at heart (to put it mildly), but I think she is just saying whatever it takes that suits her own agenda, namely getting your DP to subsidise her and put her first.

I'm not surprised your DP didn't tell you all this in a way, because no good could come of it, though in fairness to you it would have been better to tell you that his mother was not your biggest fan and to beware. I should give her a wide berth if I were you.

Very odd indeed. It sounds like she sees you as a threat - he's not her little boy any more and she hates it. It sounds like she can't accept that he has grown up. And she sounds extremely jealous of you and your relationship. Your relationship sounds perfectly healthy to me by the way.

When you are in a weird dynamic with your parents, you can't always see it. You have grown up listening to their weird views and they can become 'normal' to you. How did he feel when his mother suggested that he move in with her? Can he see how very needy and clingy she is, and how this is not a normal request of an adult son?

lotta yes, he said that he knew that it was ridiculous for her to ask him to move in, and obviously nothing came of it. But he is extremely attentive to her needs - which is ironic really. I have never been antyhing but nice to her - genuinely - yet, I find these kinds of comments so hurtful.

Why would she not support her son in buying a home with his partner? And why would she be telling him 'it's time you went out and had some drinks with friends.' he's 28 not 18! and it's no tlike i ever stop him when he wants to do that...

Yes, very odd. Your relationship sounds on point, she sounds clingy and childish.
If your OH is used to her craziness, he probably doesn't see it as being that odd, and that's fine as long as he doesn't agree!
Having said that, if it were me, I'd want to know why he hadn't replied with an email that sets the record straight. Not putting her in her place exactly, but letting her know what his prioroities are.

Id be more comcerned he cant see shes out of order.

Classic projection from mil ....

hubert he said he didnt respond putting her straigh tbecause he thought it was best to ignore it - which he did.

i think on some level he can see how out of line it is, but he believes just saying it to me is neough - not that he should say it to her.

since then she has requested seeing DP alone, without me. something i also found a bit weird..

He should be telling her to get her nose out, it's none of her business.

However, if you are overtly tactile with each other in public, perhaps ease off on that a bit when you are in her company. Remember that this is all she sees of you, so she's going to form an opinion based on that. It doesn't make it right, but you can't change that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking to see him without you? I make sure MIL sees my OH on his own frequently, and have always said that she can request a solo visit and I won't be offended.

hubert i wouldnt have found it so disturbing if the above hadn't happened. it's made me feel wary of her.

The overly public displays of affection are tacky and she may have a point on that. The buying a house with her is OTT.

Buying together unmarried? I'd be advising my child to protect their interest re deposit via a deed or trust but wouldn't discourage it if the relationship had been long term and I had no concerns re it.

Adult parents can still worry re their children and you did cross a line reading his private emails.

You've posted about this matter before and under a different name haven't you?.

She still cannot cut the apron strings but your man actually is as much a problem as she is.

She has conditioned him to become very attentive to her needs; this dynamic will not change.

Re your comment:-

"think on some level he can see how out of line it is, but he believes just saying it to me is enough - not that he should say it to her".

This is clearly not enough on his part and it concerns me he cannot or equally will not speak to his mother about how out of line she is. She is that domineering and he is that conditioned by her.

I sense if you stay in this relationship there will be many more mil threads to come from you as she no doubt has a lot more crazy to share

I could be completely wrong but your post sounds very familiar. Have you posted about it before?

It is quite odd behaviour and a bit inappropriate to be honest, but the biggest problem is that your husband doesn't feel the need to draw any boundaries with her. It needs to come from him.

She's a crank god help you in the future especially if you have children together (mil see their child reborn in the grandchild and become obsessed that's my experience anyway - an obsessed crank would be a nightmare )

Hmm. Why is he a DP and not a DH? I've seen too many friends in long term relationships where they were never quite ready to get married, buy together, and then 3/4/5 years later split up. Unless the deposit and mortgage contributions were 50% each - which they rarely were in the people's I know cases - it got v. messy on breakup.

If you both have objections to marriage in principle that's a seperate thing, but if you believe in marriage but 'haven't done it yet' I too would discourage my friend/child/anyone from buying together. If they were set on buying I would certainly suggest they only buy if it is in their own selfish interests - there is no guarantee the property will rise in value so if you split it should be somewhere you would be happy to continue living regardless. Negative equity + poor local job prospects = exOH finding it easy to screw you over and buy your half for a song.

She didn't word it well and it sounds like she doesn't like you but can you blame her for looking out for her DS?

Aah yes I see, so it's not a general request that happens occasionally. She's feeding him all of this odd stuff, then wants to get him on his own. That is suspicious. It would be weird not to let him go see her on his own, but I would have a very honest conversation with him before he goes, and maybe express that you expect him to stick up for you etc.

For what it's worth, I understand her concerns. I'm currently buying a house with my DP, not yet DH. I have the same concerns. I'm sure our parents are really concerned, but I'd be fuming if MIL said what your MIL has said. It's OK to think it, even OK to discuss in nicely and tactfully. I'm not sure she has DP's interest at heart either, just her own.

But she's not your mil , she's your DPs mother , so she may not understand how serious your relationship is or if it's secure for him to buy property with you . Praps in her eyes because you are not married it may be abit chancey

how does she know his business anyhow?

Tbh her relationship with him sounds like the unhealthy one. You're serious enough to be saving to buy a house together, it's not really any of her business whether you do. She can give him advice about it and say if she thinks it's a bad idea, but ultimately she can't stop him because he's a grown man and has to live his life for himself. Asking him to buy a house with her and live together is a little weird IMO when she knows you're on the scene, she's trying to interfere. It sounds like she doesn't really want you around.

I agree with pp, there's a pseudo spouse thing going on in the back of her head.

These things only get worse. I wouldn't be buying a house with him while he's ignoring these issues.