Are we on completely different pages?

[feduptoww]

I've been with my DP for 4 years, and last summer I took a job in Southampton. Myself and DP lived in Manchester at the time. We agreed that because it was a temporary 12 month contract, that he would stay up North and I would get a weekly let. I have seen him most weekends, apart from the ones where he was away with work etc. It's been tough as we were used to spending evry day together.

Since last June we have talked about moving back in properly. Out of the blue, my DP has been offered a contract to work abroad for a year. It is impossible for me to join him there, and he knows this - the whole reason he encouraged me to move down to Southamptom temporarily was becuase he knew the ins and outs of my line of work and was so supportive of it. He knows I would be unable to work abroad where he has been offered his job.

My DP's work entails overseas work. As a result, a couple of years ago we had the chat about whether he would want to ever take a long-term position there ie anything from 6 months onwards. He was adamant that he would never go for longer than 6 months, but he would be interested in 6 month contracts. He applied for one and got rejected when I moved to Southampton. He was a bit gutted, but as time went on, massively gave the impression that he would no longer want to do it - he said it was too close to me moving back up to Manchester and he would want ot 'get on with our lives as a couple' by then.

So April has arived, and we have looked at a few new homes to move into - we wanted somethign a little bigger now I have had a pay rise. And he drops the bombshell that he will be taking a job abroad for 10 months from June. I am shocked - he promised me if this happened it would be a max of 6 months. We have talked about it and he is adamant that he wants to go, and adamant that me and him will be fine.

I feel like we have had a bitty life since last year already - seeing one another one or two nights a week...I had been so looking forward to moving back in, and a couple iof weeks ago we ordered brand new furtniture which has cosr quite a bit of money. I am so confused. I feel like he would stay longer if he wanted as my trust in him has completely gone. H epromises me that this would be it and would be back after 10 months. I have asked him why the change of heart and he says this job opportunity is like no toher etc etc.

I understand tha he has supported me, and I appreciate that at times people need to do things for themselves. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to end the realationship? I don't think I can face another year of even further distance, after the one we have just had. I was so excited to start my life with him properly again, and I feel like he is being wuite selfish here. The job will not alter anything for him, it's the same as here but abroad. He has been in work a few years longer than me so his career is pretty muvch sorted, whereas I am just starting out. I feel like he is asking me to compromise too much, and I feellike we ar eon completely different pages.

Opinions?

Thanks.

Imo whether he is acting unreasonably or irrationally depends on your ages and what you each want from the relationship. He could be torn between wanting to settle down and enjoying his freedom or he could think thst he supported you in a year away that furthered your career and now you should support him.

It's not unreasonable to end a relationship you aren't happy in.

If my DH chose to go abroad for 10 months id be totally pissed off but I wouldn't end it, nor even consider ending it.

I don't think you can have much of a relationship given you are thinking that, rather than just being sad or sounding off.

I think you are both on the same page. You both value your careers and want to make the most of opportunities, you are both willing to spend some time apart in order to take advantage of opportunities, and (I assume) at heart you both want to be together and see that as the long term goal. Or do you?

I know several couples who have managed their careers over the medium term (2-3 years) knowing that they shared the same plans, ideals, values and principles.

Anyone with any sense would always prioritise a job over a partner unless you already have DC together. Partners are more replaceable than good career opportunities.

You can either whine and pine, dump him, or make the most of the situation - is he going somewhere that would be nice for weekend breaks, for example?

Exactly what Venus and Mars said.

If the job is like no other I'm assuming the £££ is the deciding factor??

he would be just as ok staying where he is. it's the attraction to another place that he's keen on. i get all that. i'm just frustrated that the last year has been so hard doing long distance in the same country...i cant even begin to think how hard it will be when it's even further.

i'm also a little frustarted because during my year in southampton, he could have moved with me and he didnt because he wanted to stay near friends/his gym etc. his work would have given him a contract in southampton.

I think the trouble seems to be that it's a few months here, a few months there, with the job situation, and no long term period where it's worth either of you uprooting to be with the other person.

Perhaps if you both agreed where you want to live longer term, then you could make plans together because you would have the common " base" to work from. At the moment it is so open to change.

we had agreed it, or so i thought. i feel so let down and confused, and he's not even bothered contacting me tonight. he knows how hard i'm finding it - perhaps that's his way of telling me he doesnt care.

You've always known that he wants to work abroad for a short period of time, mainly 6 months. However, maybe this was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Maybe he didn't tell you sooner because he didn't want to face the rejection again. If he was turned down, only he knew about it.

Support him like he did you. Work on how you guys will be able to see each other.

i'm also a little frustarted because during my year in southampton, he could have moved with me and he didnt because he wanted to stay near friends/his gym etc. his work would have given him a contract in southampton

I can totally appreciate that. You weren't enough of a draw to relocate but this contract is for him. I'd be smarting too based on that.

Have you posted about this before?