No interest in sex, no sexual urge. Normal?

[ROARmeow]

This isn't about me; but about a friend who isn't on Mumsnet but who often asks me for advice.

DH and I have regular sex, and both have high/medium sex drives.

OTOH, my friend says she's never looked anyone and thought "phowar, I'd love to tear their clothes off". She has a lovely DH, and finds him attractive (he is a good looking and kind man) but she says she only finds him attractive in an objective way. She doesn't look at him and feel sexual urges.

They have sex twice a month, usually when he 'convinces' her that it's a good idea. I find that worrying and don't like his attitude in that regard, but I also can understand his frustration as he worships her and finds her gorgeous (she is also good looking and kind).

She isn't happy with having sex at all. Doesn't get any pleasure from it, but enjoys his enjoyment (if that makes sense).

She's a woman in her 30s and has never masturbated and never felt an urge to.

She thinks that women who enjoy sex are animals and that it is all just dirty, yucky and not for her.

Is there anything I can say to her? Anyway I can improve her confidence? I'm worried that their marriage won't last and that resentment will set in for both of them.

If she has never liked sex, has no interest in masturbation and genuinely feels no sexual desire, it's not a matter of 'confidence'. SHe might find the AVEN website useful - it's about asexuality ie people who have no interest in sex.

It might well be that her marriage is doomed, as it's not fair for her to be under constant pressure to engage in an activity she dislikes, but nor is it fair for her H to be expected never to have sex again. So there are really only two good options - an amicable separation or an agreement that he can seek sexual partners outside the marriage (though for someone like your friend, who finds the whole idea of sex so disgusting, this may well end the marriage anyway as her contempt for the H for being such an animal as to like sex in the first place will poison the relationship.)

I really don't think you should get involved in trying to save this marriage.

I don't think it's your role to change her perception of sex or to be worried about him resenting her.

Relax, focus on your own marriage.

she thinks that women who enjoy sex are animals
She's been bought up to think this, thus has repressed her sexual urges and doesn't enjoy it. Sex therapy would be very helpful to her.

Thanks SGB. I've been on Mumsnet since 2008 and have liked your contributions to many threads in the past.

I agree with what you're saying here about my friends, and I'll maybe point her in the direction of that link you posted.

Sex outside the marriage would kill it stone dead, can't see it working for them.

I want them to be happy, and on the surface they are a model couple, well suited in other areas.

Sex therapy might be good idea, thanks.

Hmm OP I could be your friend. Very similar situation. It was a big contributor to the break up with my ex. I'm in a new relationship now but the same issue has arisen and I am very reluctant to have sex. Still struggling for a solution. I try to just grit my teeth and get on with it but it is very difficult.

I don't believe in this asexual label, I just think some people have very low libidos and additionally don't require sex to feel intimacy. It's a fatal cocktail. I guess the solution is to find people of like mind but it's not something you advertise when dating or can identify in others very easily.

Your friend seems to be doing well though at twice a month. And bless her DH for hanging in there. Has she tried scheduling it in? I've heard that can help keep up consistency.

Thanks for sharing, scatter

They are very affectionate, so their 'public face' shows at least.

They also sleep in same bed, which is good for intimacy.

I think the twice a month is them scheduling it.

Hmm.. I never feel a sexual urge or look at my partner in that way, but once we get into it I LOVE it and go totally into that sexual, filthy frame of mind and find him very attractive.. But only once we've started. I feel like I'm missing out on this urge!