pros and cons of divorcing now?

[willthiseverbloodystop]

I left my abusive h in jan. While separated he attacked me in front of dd and now i have a non mol order in place, and he is on a dv perpetrators programme. Despite that, we are fairly amicable in our communications, although I have noticed a few digs and a bit of tension building in from him, just occasional comments about this being "his" house etc.

I;m going round and round thinking about whether i should instigate a divorce or not now, and i'd really appreciate some thoughts from people who have been here.

So - thoughts against against:

I'm not desperate to divorce, partly because i am exhausted having spent so long trying to find a way out of this marriage and i really could do with some time to just enjoy being away from him. I'm concerned that my mental health is already stretched to the limit!.

But also because I am concerned we may lose the house and dd needs time to settle.

He has also asked me not to and I would like the dv prog to work as much as it can for him, and not sure that instigating a divorce in the middle of it would be helpful.

Pros

While on the DV prog he will have an element of support I assume. I also have a non mol in place protecting me for another year . He is not allowed to see DD unsupervised. If he was to kick off and turn nasty then these things are there to protect me and dd this year and they won't be next year.

I can probably buy him out about 20-25% of the house with family help (which is constantly being offered !) , with the remaining 25% when dd is 18, and I am hoping this would be agreeable as to me it seems fairly reasonable, although he will be very limited on what he could buy, but he could buy a 1 bed flat.

It would mean he couldn't access the house although I am sure he'll still make the digs about it being "his". It would mean he would have to take his stuff out of it.

And if we have to move, then I am guessing this is another year away and hopefully dd would cope. I may even be able to delay it until secondary school (in good catchment here) even if not until 18?

Please help me decide!

Do it now
He can make digs all he likes but its your home

He will probably not get a fifty fifty share but a lesser share

He will have to wait for his share when DC are 18 and don't go giving him money now.

But put a proviso in- if you can, he only gets the share of the house if he pays child mainrenence otherwise what isn't paid comes out of the sale of the house when dc turn 18.....

Have you had any legal advice? Even free half hours? Because you seem to be assuming he would get 50% of the house, if you are the primary carer of your child, that isn't likely. You can't make decisions without the full facts.

I can't see any advantage to not getting divorced (except that you are too exhausted to do it).

I would seek proper legal advice and start divorce proceedings asap. He exhausting you mentally is no good reason for continuing this marriage under any circumstances.

There is no good reason for you to remain married to this individual. DV programmes have little success with men overall if they do not fully want to reform. Many men do not change after doing such programmes and in his case in particular it is unlikely to have any beneficial effect whatsoever.

His recent actions in terms of a few digs and comments re "his house" suggest he still wants to control you and punish you for leaving him.

I took advice about a year ago when I hadn't been offered any financial help from family, and as we are both low earners, my sol said there would be no option but to sell the house. But now he could buy somewhere albeit v small. I haven't gone back for advice as don't want to pay the fee yet, I was planning to submit divorce petition myself and then use solicitor for financials.

I think perhaps the divorce is the final push I need to do. He has said a few things recently which have made me see that he really doesn't get it . Although have no money at all for divorcing but again I think family may help.

Also he told police he attacked me as he didnt think the separation was permanent, he still doesn't. So divorce would nicely clear that up for him.

I was thinking 60 percent to me if he forced a sale now, 50 percent would be incentive to allow us to stay here for another ten years- so 25 percent now 25 percent in ten years

I would another free half hour with a solicitor and see what they say.

Are you putting it off because you think he might see the light on the dv course? Because it's very unlikely. And even if he says he's seen the light he's very unlikely to change.

I think you should get on with it while you've got the order to protect you. It's a long process, and the sooner you get a shift on the sooner it will be over.

No I m putting it off because I m worried about the outcome , about staying in the house. I don't think the course will make the slightest difference.

Also because it means my parents doing an equity release, I feel bad about that.