5 weeks after D day...will we evwr be more than just friends again?

[beerbelly]

I found out about DH's affair 5 weeks ago. He has cut all contact with the OW (luckily, she is in New Zealand so for the most part it was an EA rather than sexual), allowed me access to his phone, emails etc., read self help books I have asked him to, been open to discussion whenever I want, been helpful around the house and with the kids... Basically he is doing everything right.

But I can't imagine us ever being intimate again.

There are chaste goodbye and goodnight kisses and 'I love you's and it is all very nice. We even had a week's family holiday. Things aren't awkward and we have a laugh together but...

I guess I feel like he doesn't share the passion for me that he had for her and I still don't really know how I feel about him in that way.

Can this change or are we destined to be just friends until our marriage fizzles out?

Sounds to me like you just want it all to go away without really addressing the underlying issues.

Until you do, it won't have a change of going back to what it was.

You also don't have to forgive, it's your choice.

chance

I agree with Frozen.

Has he told you why?

It's still very early days. I think you're brave just considering being intimate with him and there's no need to rush. You've been through a major trauma.

5 weeks is very very early. The pain and betrayal you feel will still be very raw and his feelings for OW won't just have turned off.

It takes time. Unfortunately no one can tell you how much.

It may also never be mended.

Too early to tell Beer.
It looks as if he is really trying to atone for what he did.
However it looks as if you are skipping a few phases, and forgiving too quickly and trying to behave as if 'nothing' happened. Something very serious happened. Your marriage up to DD is dead- gone. Take time to grieve. Try both of you to find out the underlying reasons for this behavior. Your H just revealed a new dimension to his personality. Take time to know it. Give him time to acknowledge it and to use it to love you better. Then see for yourself whether both of you want to recommit- as if you just met and start knowing each other. TIME and HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE of CHANGE, and Active Behavior changes (him) and allowing yourself the suffering of BEREAVEMENT (it might takes months or years) are key terms. Your feelings will then have time to take shape and dictate you whether you want to be just friends or re-commit to him (the same man but a different H).
I am 8 months after DD. It is more than 5 years since he broke up with her. There was no passion. (Just physical distance between us for long times and opportunity + his risk-taking behavior allowed the affair). And he did great efforts to become even better than what he was (in fact he started DRAMATICALLY improving more than 5 years ago) . He always loved me passionately and still does. And yet I am still unable to have any physical contact with him. However I forgave him all the deceits of the past 6/7 years because the affair resulted in a child and he wanted to be a father to the kid (he always kept contact with her, took her to trips etc) but did not want to hurt me by disclosing her existence until DD. Now I do worry and somehow love this half sibling of my kids even if at the start I resented her existence. Of course I am almost sure that he would not have disclosed the affair if it did not result in a child (and maybe he would not have worked hard to improve his behavior as well).
So beer, the thorns in the affair differ for each of us betrayed partners.
You wonder whether he will feel the same passion for you as he did for her . I am sure that he would not have disclosed the affair hadn't a child resulted so I wonder whether there were other affairs I was not aware.
LetUsGoToTheHills in a sincere and inspiring post told us that he was dumped by the OW but still she decided to work on her marriage. The bottom line is that we are all suffering the same. If the betrayer is OK and is wiling to work hard to improve his behavior as a dad and as a H then I believe that with time we might be able to recommit. Time is a healer- for us to re-commit or to amicably separate after having tried the best we could to save our relationship. Did you read the accounts of LetUsGoToTheHIlls struggles that successfully resulted in rebuilding her marriage for the sake of her kids?

Well could you just bite the bullet and have sex? See how it is?

I mean affairs are intoxicating and castles in the air stuff. It's not reality. At all. So his passion for this ow is also not based in reality.

You however are very real.

I'd get a bit drunk together one evening and see what happens. Just so you can see.

It's obviously not a panacea for the enormous damage and hurt. My h had a very short ea that I luckily found out about before it went any further. But I was reeling for three months. It's only been four months now and I've come a long way in myself and my marriage. I think.

Give yourself time. You're allowed to rage and grieve. The trust is shattered. But it is not necessarily the end if you both are prepared to recognise what is important in a marriage and in your marriage and if you're prepared to make the effort.

It's horrific.

It's too soon for everything to be back to normal he's betrayed you in the worst way possible. Take each day as it comes don't feel pressure to be intimate or to act as if nothings happened. Try counselling to work out why this happened to stop it happening again. I was in a similar situation 10 yrs ago neither of us were putting 100% into that relationship (I'm not suggesting for 1 min that this is the same I'm your case) it resulted in infidelity however it was a massive wake up call for both of us how we were neglecting our relationship and that we action really loved each other, in a way it was the best thing that could've happened to us. We both value what we've got and would never jeopardise it again your dh may feel exactly the same way. 10 yrs and 3 children later were happier than ever. It takes time and a lot of talking and soul . searching but you can get there. Ultimately though it's ok to say you forgive but you need to forget aswell and eventually move on with your life together otherwise it will.eat you up.

We have talked a lot about why it happened. To put it in a nutshell, I wasn't making him feel loved and he was flattered by the attentions of a pretty colleague. The excitement of an affair versus the mundane life of a nagging wife and two kids.

I get it. I am totally pissed off but I get it.

What has surprised me is my calmness. I CAN be nice to him. I DON'T hate him. What worries me is that I find it all a bit cliched and pathetic - I have seen the things he has written to her, so loved up and gauche - that I have lost respect for him and as a result, it all feels a bit...flat.

There's been no angry passion since the first tears. And that scares me a bit.

Oh Lala! dear beer, do you think you do not love him anymore? do you think you stopped loving him a long time ago? Or maybe it is a kind of 'rational' denial? Again only time will say. Maybe just maybe the best is that you go on counseling on your OWN to sort out your feelings, to allow them to burst out. Alternatively you might write about them/ about you here in MN or in a diary.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1- what did you like in him when you started dating?
2- why did you decide to have kids together?
3- How do you rate him as a dad
4- Would you have married him again had the affair not happened? why?
5- What kind of clichés things in his correspondence with the OW disturbed you? what did they reveal about him you did not know before?
6- what would you miss most if you get separated (him/his friends/his family etc etc)
Can you go on a trip on your own for a while and sort out your feelings for him? Can you ask him to leave for a while until you sort out your feelings?
It is tough. Affairs push us out of our comfort zones. I hope it will be for the best and that they help us grow stronger and more in peace with inner selves- whether we remain married or not. Good Luck, beer!