adult daughter of narcissistic mother - help establishing rules for measured contact please.

[djrmrcbhyvf]

We have little choice but to retain some contact as she lives next door - big mistake I realise now but at least I have finally realised that she is/was a narcissistic parent. She is a single parent so no father.

I would like some ideas of formulating boundaries/rules so she does not keep demanding attention , "popping over" the minute I have got back from work and also protecting the dc - they are age 12 & 13 so able to have a lot of input into the rules we finally agree; dd will not spend any time with he but ds let's her 'infantilise' him (again only just realised this is what she is doing, what was acceptable as an infant is no longer so for a teenager) so need to put a stop to that.

Experiences on dealing with narcissistic mother and of introducing clear boundaries would be much appreciated.

Her husband is not protecting her, he's stepped away and would rather have 'a nice garden' which the mother can overlook than a hedge which would at least afford a touch of privacy.

He hasn't seen just how very serious her mother's effect is on her mental health, or else he just wants to step away and not face it. It seems odd that a loving, understanding husband would not see how severe the effect is when the OP has had to go into an inpatient unit and has made attempts on her life.

Not that odd I'm afraid, Meerka. It sounds just like Easy Life syndrome.

yes :(

gtb i think I came over harshly. Wasn't my intent. < offers a glass >

No problem, meerka. I think the OP's DH does need to be supporting her more, I just meant I thought that the parasite thing was said by the mother not the OP.
(wine gladly accepted, it's been one of those bathtime/bedtimes)

You were strongly frank, Meerka.

I also think that the OP's DH is not being as supportive as he should be (!) given her problems but maybe a cleansing of the Augean Stables is too much for her at this point. Maybe not - I don't entirely know.

noooo any thoughts about drj's husband lie long in the future and it was probably a distracting comment to write. Taking care of her immediate future is what's important now and most of all, of her health.

(sorry, been not myself the last week after a general anasthetic and surgical rearrangement of me bits; seem to be being rather strong frank all over, maybe need to chill a bit!)

Wishing you the best OP. Please take care of yourself, you're doing the right thing in looking at changing your circumstances so your life is endurable.

Hope you're OK meerka. Look after yourself xx

Thanks all. Meerka hope you are recuperating.
Yes "useless parasite" is what my mother calls him.
I think he is struggling - running the house etc he finally sees everything I do and is not coping. Plus he also has to run around visiting me etc
Apparently he had a big row with M tonight; she complained that I had not tried to contact her or wish her happy birthday (last week) so he told her I was stressed out (not good) and that things would have to change (better).
I have tried to tell him to read about narcissistic parents but he hasn't had time yet
Despite the outcomes I don't think he truly believes she is the cause - he even said we are the same in always going off into the deep end & seeing the negative in things. That shows me he doesn't have a clue
I keep telling him not to say anything to her but she is so ingrained in our lives he cannot let go
Plus when I told him my sick pay had now stopped he urged me to "hurry up and get better" - which he claims to be 'encouragement'. But of course he doesn't have time to read the Web page 'what not to say to depressed people' either ...
I think he just wants it all to go away ....
don't think he realises I won't be leaving hospital until at least the ground rules are sorted either [sigh]
But at least I am safe here if bereft of

Marking place as I have similar situ

It's a house move, I'm afraid, djr. You have to get some genuine physical distance before anything else.

Hope you're doing OK this evening - although a shame about the lack of .