Sex troubles

[Hymencowell]

Since having my dd 6 months ago I have gone off sex to the point it makes me cringe.. it's ruining my relationship I love my partner but he's quite insecure and feels so rejected I find myself making excuses all the time and blaming tiredness.. Our daughter is an ok sleeper.. I dread bedtime i feel anxious about letting him down again. I just don't know what to do will I ever feel better?! He just walked out the bedroom and I got up and caught him crying. I feel so bad I can't help it!

6 months is still a very short time after giving birth to feel like having mad passionate sex!

I think with my first it took me almost 9 months before I could bear having sex again. I was exhausted, all touched out from the baby, I felt like my bits had been obliterated! However, my husband understood and have me the space and time needed to feel like myself again.

Have you discussed this with your partner? Does he know how you feel? Is he making you feel guilty or is it you doing this to yourself?

I hate to bombard you with loads of questions, but do you both still have intimacy, kisses and cuddles, holding hands etc?

Not feeling like having sex after childbirth is perfectly normal, and he shouldn't be guilting you into anything.

And yes you will feel better....your hormones are all over the shop!

Talk to your husband, you still love him, you both need to connect emotionally, the sex drive will return but you need to be kind to yourself, you've just pushed a human out your fanjo for gods sake...that's amazing!!!

Completely normal, however in my experience once we got started I enjoyed it.
The thought of being touched, the effort I thought it required etc was more in my head than a reality.
Whist I am not suggesting for a second that you should feel pressurised into doing anything you don't want to do, I think the longer you go without dtd the harder it is to get going again.
It then becomes a cycle of no intimacy equalling both parties feeling a bit rejected / guilty / whatever.
If there are no physics reasons for no sex following birth then maybe try to relax, kiss your partner etc and see what happens.

I had an emergency C-section at 30 weeks! that's why I can't understand why i feel this way because my fanjo is still in tact! We cuddle but I always feel it's only because he wants sex.

I have been told I may be suffering from PTSD from my daughter being prem and in and out of hospital i haven't been to the drs though I'm not one to go to the drs unless I'm dying!

It sounds like his nagging and neediness has given you a bit of anxiety over the whole thing. Maybe at first you was like most new mothers, but the pressure he has put on things has caused you to fear intimacy?

This happens when one partner feels rejected and they pester the other, creating less attraction and fear.

This is perfectly normal, my DW and I didn't have sex till nearly a year after out first born.
There are far more important things to do than sex when you have a baby around.

What is really important is that you speak to your partner tell him how much you love him, how much you appreciate what he is going through but also tell him how you feel about sex and close contact.

It WILL come back, I promise!

I always used to say when we had our children something along the lines of;

"I lost my wife but gained the mother of my children"

I knew as the children got older and more independant that I would get my wife back and that's been happening over the last few years. Now our DS's are 11 and 15 I find it hard to keep up with her...lol...tmi.

Speak to him, be honest with him. He will understand

It's entirely normal not to want sex in the first six months, especially after a difficult or distressing birth.
If your H has always been needy and whiny, it's not going to help. If you can have a straight talk with him and make him understand he needs to back off with the self-pity and the pressure, but that you still love him and you just need time, things could be OK. If he's always been selfish, unfortunately, things might get worse before they get better. Right now, his wellbeing is lower priority than yours and the baby's, though, and he needs to be able to suck that up.

Is it the thought specifically of intercourse that's particularly off-putting? Because there's plenty of other ways to have sex, if it's that. Mutual masturbation, oral, etc.

Have you gone back onto hormonal contraception since giving birth? Because sometimes that can really lower your sex drive.

Please do see the GP as well, if you're suffering with PTSD and the aftereffects then that could be seriously impacting your mental health and that will knock on to your sex drive as well. No sense soldiering on alone when there's help out there!

I think when you're in the midst of having a baby you forget how recently it all just happened.

My baby is 6 weeks old and I'm already starting to pressure myself to have sex/lose weight/get fit.

Sometimes you have to stand back and think, my baby is so young, my body has been and is going through so much. I think that still applies to a 6 month old and I also think your husband may need a gentle reminder of that.