I would like to have other perspectives on this situation, it has been brewing for years and it is taking a lot of my headspace now. I am sorry it will be very long.
A bit of background. In my close family I have my mum, and two brothers. I came to the UK a long time ago, they all live in Spain. My brothers and I have always had a good relationship, not overly close, but we are very comfortable with each other, and I feel that we are there for each other should we need it. We have never fought about anything. After having my children my relationship with Brother B has got closer and we always spend time together when I am visiting, and he and his wife come to visit us here. I think we have a “normal” sibling relationship.
Brother A got together with a girl, called E, when he was still in secondary school. She was very young then (around 16, he was 18). They have been together since, over 20 years. She was distant from the very beginning, and we attributed it to being young and shy. She never came to any family occasion. Brother A, in their early years together had mental health problems (my mum had them too), and we all had a tough time with this, and I don’t doubt it was tough for her too. For most of their years together they were very isolated and when they moved in together it was quite clear that she did not welcome us to their house and least of all my mum. We never knew quite why, my brother always deflected the question. It was easiest to ignore all this and just to meet my brother on his own whenever I went back to visit.
Despite her frostiness my brother and us managed to keep our relationship going. But, five years ago, they had their first child. This is where the whole thing turned really sour. By absolute chance I happened to be in the country the week after the baby was born. Naturally, I asked my brother whether I could come and see them even if briefly towards the end of my stay (baby would have been almost two weeks by then), to give them time to recover. I said I only wanted to pop in, to say congratulations to him and hello to the baby and was not hoping to stay long at all. He said I couldn’t, that E had stipulated at least two weeks exclusion and that he couldn’t even ask her. He was sorry about that. I understand that as new parents you need space, but I wasn’t going to be there for another six months so I felt really sad that I could not see my brother now that he was a father. My mum was heartbroken about all this and so was I. I came back to the UK leaving with my mum the presents and money I was going to give them. They only allowed my mum to see the baby when she was six weeks old for one hour, after which E took her to feed and never came out the room again.
Since then it has been misery, my mum is not allowed to go and see the child too often and has only visited sporadically when E is at work and under secrecy. I have been to see them a couple of times with my own children but every time I have to go to their town and they don’t invite us in, so we have to stay outdoors, even in bad weather. Conversations are difficult and overly polite. I can’t talk to my brother openly. She barely looks at my children. It is all such a drag. My children asked me why they don’t invite us for lunch if we are so close to their house, they can not understand why they are not hospitable. I make excuses for them.
Last year he emailed me to say they are expecting their second child who was born a few weeks ago. My mum was allowed to go and meet her granddaughter a month after she was born. She was not invited into their house and she only held her for 5 minutes. She is heartbroken that not only she is not allowed to see her grandchildren in a pleasant way, but also that my brother is not allowed to take his children to her house for visits. She does not know what she has done to warrant this.
I was in the country last week. Although I wanted to see my brother I couldn't face being part of the charade at this point. I spoke to him and told him I was sorry, but that I had not the stomach to go and be treated like that, when I have never done anything to them. He told me he understood and that he was sorry that he had never managed the situation well and that now it seemed to be beyond repair.
He told me that E did not like our mum, never did. With time she’s put all of the family in the same undesirable box, for different reasons. It seems that every time we have met, which have been very few, we have managed to say the wrong thing, made the wrong gesture, assumed the wrong thing. My brother is not quite sure what we have done and says they can't talk about it anymore. E does not speak to her own family either, and according to my brother, she doesn’t like “families”.
My brother knows that E has no real reason to dislike us, but he can’t change that. I accept that. He explained that now that they have children, E can not stand the idea of her children having contact with us. He is trying to reach a halfway point with her, where we can come and visit for very short periods under her supervision, in their territory and under her conditions.
My brother blames himself for all of this. I was trying to explain that it is not his fault, that no one can change how E feels about us, but that is not really our fault or his. I think that what he is going through is emotional abuse. He explains that he doesn’t not want to argue anymore with her, that her position is immovable, that he hasn’t got the strength to talk about it anymore. He says he is just trying to go on. He feels he’s let everyone down, her and us. I tried to explain that in a relationship, if one of the parts feels that there are no-go areas because of the possible consequences, that the relationship is not equal, that one of the parts has all the cards, and the other has none. He thinks that I am taking it all to an extreme.
I am confident that we have not caused this, and that although occasionally we may have said or done the wrong thing, that E would have found issue with everything, so it was a no-win situation from the start. I think that E has a problem that she needs to sort out, because she is putting the father of her children, and supposedly the person she loves in a tough position for which there is no real need. I have no desire to interfere with their life and nor does anyone else. I only want to meet my brother and his children a couple of times a year and have a nice time. I'd like my daughters to meet their cousins. Since she is not allowing him to take the children to visit the family, my brother is declining all the invitations, because he feels that coming on his own to family gatherings will highlight his situation. My sadness at all this is that while I can give up on being an aunt to my nieces, I am having real difficulty in giving up my brother. I miss him when all the family gets together.
I am not sure what I want by posting this, perhaps just some release, or to know whether there is a way I can help my brother or whether I just have to accept that I have lost him.
I am sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.